Happy

You know what? I feel really content and a peaceful bliss.

I’m not sure exactly what shifted but there’s been a few things that changed that allowed me to experience a deeper contentment and happiness than ever before in my life.

1. I’m not pregnant anymore! I struggle with very intense clinical depression when I’m pregnant, not to mention being tired and achy and nauseous, etc. I didn’t cook at all the entire nine months I was pregnant. We mostly lived on fast food. Getting back to cooking feels great because I’m coming back to myself again and it is a relief.
2. We moved to a house that I love. The previous house was fine and was what we could afford but it wasn’t a style that I like and it had a lot of projects to it. It wasn’t upgraded and modern. We took the opportunity of Brad’s new job to look for a house that was our dream forever home and we found it. This house is the style of house that I love, it has been cosmetically updated to the exact look that I like. It is laid out well. Inside and out it is beautiful.
3. Brad suggested putting our computers in our hangout room, which in this house is in the attic. With the computer no longer in the living room, I am no longer struggling to resist the pull of spending all day on the Internet! I didn’t think that was going to work for our lifestyle, but it’s actually been great. I use the computer in the evening after the kids are asleep and the house is put to rest. (More on that later).
4. I let go of some of my frugal mindset because I think that it led me to make do instead of buying the tools and storage items that would benefit taking care of the house.

Those are the main things. I took the opportunity of the move to turn over a new leaf and it seems to be working. Having a house that is beautiful that I love makes me want to take good care of it, I think. Staying on top of housework helps me feel content and I go to bed feeling so satisfied and like I’ve accomplished what I wanted.

I have been going to the temple each Navratri night. I’m not overthinking it, I’m just doing it. I will become part of the community there. I just will. And that makes me feel like I’m finally being the person that I wanted to be.

There is a part of me that is terrified I’m going to lose it. I have not excelled at consistency in my life. I can count on one hand the number of things I’ve been consistent with. I’ve also always, always, always struggled with messiness.

It frustrates me so much because I love the peaceful feeling of a tidy home. I want very much to have a tidy home but I can never seem to make it happen or keep it neat for long. I’ve never known why. I feel like there’s something wrong with me, that I am not able to notice clutter in the same way other people do. It feels like I blink my eyes and suddenly mess is there.

So every time I try a “system” or try to do better, I end up failing and I hate myself for it.

In this new house what I’ve been doing to feel like I’m keeping up with things is doing dishes every single night. I “put the house to bed” each evening by getting all the dishes in the washer. I empty the sink, try to get the kitchen counter clear, run a load of laundry, and try to pick up the toys in the living room.

Doing that is making me feel really great.

But I have a tremendous fear that if I ever miss it that will mean that I’ll lose all my momentum, the house will turn into total disarray, and I’ll be disappointed in myself again.

Something that is giving me hope, though, is a podcast I discovered. I was looking for something to listen to while I was tidying in the kitchen and I came across a podcast called A Slob Comes Clean. As I listened I was amazed by how much I related to her. She has the exact same issues with keeping a house tidy as I do.

She said some things that made me feel more confident that I can continue to choose to keep my house nice.

Being a “slob” is a part of who I am. It’s just the way my brain is wired. It has benefits too. That slobiness is the flip side of my creative, spontaneous and bright personality (a new friend recently described my personality as “bright” and it’s one of the nicest compliments I’ve ever gotten). But that doesn’t mean I just shrug, give up, and say “This is who I am so I’m doomed to always live in a messy house.” No, it just means that I accept that this is something that is never going to change. I’m not going to get fixed. This is something I will always struggle with but that means when I’m struggling with it it does not mean I am a failure. It’s not something I will overcome and then be better. I will have to choose every day to work on it. Some people are more naturally able to understand how to stay on top of clutter but I am wired differently.

So while I do have that fear that I could lose this feeling, right now I feel really good. I’m living my best life, being the person that I’ve always wanted to be. I am truly happy.