1 Man, 2 Women In A Polyamorous Relationship

(A woman wrote to share with me that, in all ways but legally, she is equally married to both a man and a woman. I asked my new acquaintance if she would be willing to let me interview her about that. At first she was reticent—but, as she put it, “the opportunity to share with others a glimpse into our life is too good to pass up.” So here’s our interview.)

Could you give us a quick definition of what polyamorous is/means?
Honestly, the term “polyamorous” wasn’t on our radar when we fell in love. It was later that we discovered there was a term for what we were. If we need a term, we consider ourselves “poly-fidelitous,” which is what poly’s call those who love more than one person in a long-term, faithful kind of way. Some people consider themselves polyamorous because they believe they need and/or want to be in multiple relationships at any given time. This is not a good description of us. We all feel we could be satisfied with just one person. It’s just that we fell in love with two, pretty much all at the same time . . and we discovered (through lots of open and honest communication!) that we were all not just okay with it, but that it was something we wanted.

Truthfully, we don’t think of ourselves as polyamorous. We just think of ourselves as us.

 

How many people are in your relationship?
Three. One man, two women.

 

How long have you guys been together?
We have been dear friends for a very long time, with children who grew up as babies together.

 

How old are you guys?
38, 39, 41.

 

Were any two of you in a relationship before the third one of you joined it?
I was a (divorced) single mother, and they were a happily married couple. After my divorce, I had the joy of finally being free from an abusive marriage. I was supporting four children with very little support, but managing. She had been my best friend for years, and we’ve always been closer than sisters. People used to always comment on how close we were, but we never realized that could be sexual, too. Both of us were raised to not even be aware that was a possibility.

Long story short, the three of us began doing more and more things together and it just . . . worked really well. We got along incredibly, the three of us, and at some point, my best friend realized she had feelings for me. She was the one who began the conversation about, “What if . . ?” A lot of talking, a lot of thinking, all of us talking together as well as doing a lot of thinking on our own, individually. I realized I had feelings for her (and for him), all feelings that were completely buried (since it was impossible to love either them like that, right?) . . .

 

So it was something the three of you consciously worked out together.
Yes. We all felt very excited when we realized that we were in love and that we all wanted the same thing (a long-term committed relationship as three). And then there was a LOT of open and honest communication, of course. There has to be with any successful couple, and so with three people, even more so. It was very important to us that every single person was on the exact same page, or there was no way we were doing anything. No one felt pushed or coerced into anything. We really tried to look at this from a number of different angles, including the potential problems we could have, and kept feeling okay about taking another step forward. Every step forward just felt so right on so many different levels, and doors kept opening up right and left. There were numerous points where we would look at each other and say, “It’s so weird, but if I was still a fundamentalist Christian, I would say that God is blessing us…”

We took very small and careful steps forward, hesitantly, every inch of the way being shocked at how nice, how perfect, how healthy, how “just right” it always felt. Our fears about each next step were always replaced by fearfully taking it and then finding it delightful.

We laughingly still can’t believe we had the guts to even try this in the first place!

 

Do you all live together?
Yep. Wouldn’t have it any other way. The year that we lived apart was HORRIBLE. Fun, in that it was a new relationship, so it was exciting, but totally exhausting. The minute we bought our big house together, we all breathed a collective sigh of relief. Then came the adjustment of blending two families. That takes time, but we parent in very similar ways, and the children and teens already were very close, so it all meshed together well, too. If we didn’t think the two families had the ability to blend well together, we never would have done it in the first place, because we feel very strongly about our kids and want the best for them.

 

How long have you been living together?
Two years this spring.

 

Is jealousy a problem? Like, if one of you feels left out of something the other two are doing or feeling?
Jealousy was something we struggled with at first. We were excited that we all loved each other, but it was easy to feel insecure. If I saw them being super affectionate, I might worry, “Oh, no! They have all these years of marriage together. There’s no way I can ever compete!” If he saw us being affectionate, he might worry, “Oh, no! They have been best friends since forever. They probably won’t even want me around!” If she saw us being affectionate, she might say, “Oh, no! They are going to hit it off and decide they don’t need me!”

That was what we would worry about, but it wasn’t ever actually true, as we would discover when we would share our fears with each other. We had yet to learn that love can be bigger than two. The realization that each leg of the relationship must be strong or the whole thing falls apart was a major discovery for us, and one that helped us shift into a truly solid loving relationship as a three.

We learned that if I am deeply in love with him, it strengthens and supports my loving relationship with her (and her relationship with him, too), and so on. Normally, you think that if your significant other is in love with someone else, it weakens your relationship with them. In our case, since we are a three-person relationship, seeing my lovers relate happily together means that our three-person relationship is stable and supportive. Their love strengthens my individual relationships with them both and our relationship all together as a three.

It took a little while for us to wrap our heads around that one, because it is so different than how we grew up thinking about the way love works. Once we learned to see our partner’s individual relationship together as a strength and not a threat, we found ourselves released from the trap of jealousy and insecurity and that let us nurture and grow a deepening love. Insecurities still arise from time to time, just as they do in any relationship, but it’s on a much different level now—just normal occasional stuff. Mostly, we just have a lot of fun together.

 

To what if any degree do you guys feel compelled to hide your relationship from the rest of the world? Is that hard on you psychologically, not being able to be open about who you are and how you live?
I personally feel very compelled to be in the closet, almost entirely because of our children and for the safety of our professional careers. There are eight kids in our house, and we live in an extremely conservative town in a very Republican part of the South. The kind of town where a gay kid will probably commit suicide one of these days. There is a conservative church on almost every corner, and the few people who have been brave enough to be openly gay have experienced a lot of trouble.

We decided we didn’t want to risk our children being persecuted for our choices. Also, employment-wise, we are all professionals in our careers and while we do great work, we know that many employers are openly right-wing and openly homophobic (and so we can only guess what they would feel towards us, if they knew). One man I have to work with sometimes, someone with a lot of power in my field, openly expresses that he believes gay people have a psychological illness.

So we live as just “house-mates,” including in front of our children. We have differed a little bit on this, as I mentioned, and I am the one who is the most hesitant about coming out. My two lovers have been really kind about respecting my fears about the children and agree to keep it private for now, but we all look forward for the day when we can just be open.

The teenagers know that we are all in a relationship together, since it’s pretty hard to keep anything from teenagers, but the younger children do not. They just know that we are all best-friends. The teenagers were upset at first, but have grown to like it. One of them recently said, “I can’t believe I ever thought it would be weird for you all being together. I love having two moms!”

One set of our parents found out, through extremely disrespectful snooping, and pretty much disowned their adult child. They told my partner that they wished she had died in a car accident because at least then, she would have still gone to heaven. They said and did some pretty horrible things, along with then spreading “Christian” rumors (you know, asking for “prayer”). So, um, that was fun to go through. With family like that, who needs enemies, right?

I haven’t had the joy of my family finding out yet, but I expect the reaction may be fairly similar. Maybe I am wrong. That would be nice, but I’m not getting my hopes up. It’s strange to think your own relatives would rather see you in an abusive marriage than be in a healthy, happy and stable relationship with two partners. That’s the world we live in, though. It’s just how people are trained to think. It helps if I don’t make it personal and instead just remember that this is how our culture teaches us to think. I was plenty judgmental myself, before I began questioning the religious views I’d grown up believing to be true.

As for being “out” at home, we have a great time at our house and it’s very open that we are all best friends. There is always something to laugh about going on. The three of us are very light-hearted and playful and loving and it makes for a fun living environment. The kids are supported by three adults who love them, and there’s always someone there for the kids when they come home from school or someone to attend the important school event (we arrange work schedules so that the kids are always taken care of).

We consider our home a gift from God to us. Best of all, the master bedroom and office bedroom are attached by a bathroom, so that allows us an adults-only “wing” of the house to be in privately. It will be nice, someday, to be out completely, but that will have to wait until the kids are grown and we can move. For now, the adult wing is our slice of heaven at the end of each day.

 

How does it work socially? To the world, are you pretending to be really just ONE couple—with, like, a roommate? So that if, say, a married couple asked you out, would just (the same) two of you go, or would all three of you show up, or what?
We often show up as a three. I am the best friend, and they are the married couple. That really bothers my two partners, but, like I said, it’s what I prefer for now. Just as often I will go with one of them to something, and the other adult will stay home with the kids (whether it’s a sporting event or an activity at one of the kid’s schools). People are now pretty used to the fact that we come as an interchangeable unit of three.The other thing is that we really don’t go out all that much. Between raising this many children, all of whom are very active, and working in our professions, which can be demanding, and somehow keeping up with the gigantic amount of laundry our house produces, we don’t have a lot of spare time to go out to social events, even if we wanted to.

 

What’s the sexual deal? Are each of you bisexual? Do you all sleep in the same bed?
He is not bisexual. I suppose that both of the women are. Well, honestly, I don’t even know if we are. I just know that I love her. And she loves me. And being intimate feels like it makes sense, given the depth of our feelings for each other. We had been incredibly close friends for years, prior, and it never seemed close enough. Now, it feels just right.

We all sleep together every night. The person in the middle gets seriously snuggled on. It’s fun.

Sexually, we have learned a lot about how three people can have an amazingly wonderful experience that feels like making love for everyone. We occasionally joke about the best-selling book we will write about “how to have amazing threesomes” one day. It was delightful to learn that you can have that feeling of being “one” with three. You totally can. That was one of the things we worried about at first—what would we do about sex? Now, my mind automatically assumes that making love takes three.

We are sexual as couples, too, just not as often. We prefer three, as the norm, but enjoy time as couples on occasion, when opportunity allows, which is maybe once a week or so for each of us.

 

The world is pretty set up for couples. Do you ever feel a desire to be just a “normal” one-on-one coupley relationship? You know what I mean? Does it ever get kind of lonely knowing you’re living out such a radically different kind of love/relationship from the rest of the world?
The only reason I would want to be only a couple is just to be able to walk outside the door of my home while hanging all over my partner. If I wanted to, anyway. I can’t do that. I always took that for granted, as a straight woman in a heterosexual marriage. I never thought about the fact that I “got” to hold my partner’s hand in the grocery store. I just did it if I wanted to. I never thought about the fact that he “could” put his arm around me in a social setting. I just took it for granted. Now, I don’t take those things for granted anymore. It is something that bothers us all. One of my partners swears that this whole experience might just turn her into a full-on gay rights activist marching in parades. We felt bad for gay couples before, but we never actually understood what it FELT like. It’s horrible.

In the beginning of all of this, when we were first talking and wondering, I realized that the only reason I would not be willing to do this was because my society did not approve of it as a valid choice. It just seemed a shame to turn down something that felt so right on so many levels, all because of wanting to maintain social approval. On my death bed, am I going to gasp out, “Well, turned down a joy-filled life with my two best friends, all so that the world would like me!” Never! I like social approval as much as the next person, but it’s not worth choosing over love.

And I do I love my two partners. I love our life together. I love our big happy home. But I do not love the fact that I live in a community that would rather me live as a struggling single mom to four children than to have the support of two adults who love me dearly as a life-partner. The fact that my community would believe wholeheartedly that my sexual relationship with my abusive ex-husband was righteous, but that my sexual relationship with two committed life-partners (if they knew about it) is unrighteous, just seems so hypocritical. It especially makes no sense how they define “biblical marriage,” when the Bible is full of life unions with multiple partners. “One man, one woman,” really? What Bible are they reading, anyway?

 

Do you know any other polyamorous, or poly-fidelitous … relationship units? (I guess couples isn’t the right word, is it?) But do you know any others like yourselves?
No. I’m sure they are out there, but we don’t know of any personally. That’s okay. Honestly, I don’t think this would work for very many people. The reason it does for us is that we are just the right three people for each other. It’s hard enough to find just the right one person for yourself, much less two! When I think about my relationship as a three, I mostly just feel incredibly lucky, like God is smiling at us. I get to be loved by two best friends and lovers. I get to love two amazing people back (and they really are amazing). I get to love a whole house-full of children. It just feels like so much goodness. When I come home from work and pull into our drive, I smile. I love us!

We knew of a couple who were recently trying to be polyamorous, but, honestly, it seemed like trying to make it okay to have an affair. One partner really wanted to bring in a third, while the other partner pretty much cried and cried and cried about it, and then reluctantly agreed to it only because she felt like she had to. There were kids involved too, to make it even worse. This made us mad. This is not at all what we are or who we are. We felt like it was 100% not okay to force a partner into something like this. We work because we ALL wanted it—no coercion, no pressure, no pushing down the needs of one partner to meet the needs of another. To us, it is not loving or respectful to try and make three when one partner only wants two.

 

What do you want people to know about people like you, and relationships like yours?
That we are normal solid citizens. That we are professionals that you work with at the office. That we are the teacher in your child’s classroom, the person who delivers your mail, the doctor who looks at your injury. That we are the mom at the soccer games. That we are the dad at the geography bee. That we are the people with the really huge cart of groceries ahead of you in the supermarket line. That we grew up in conservative Christian America and certainly never imagined that we would do something like this. That we certainly weren’t looking for something outside of the norm, but that love found us, and we were willing to step outside of the norm to meet it.

We are not monsters. We are not weirdos. We are just normal every-day people who found that, for us, love could be bigger than two.

About John Shore

John Shore (who, fwiw, is straight) is the author of UNFAIR: Christians and the LGBT Question, and three other great books. He is founder of Unfundamentalist Christians (on Facebook here), and executive editor of the Unfundamentalist Christians group blog.  (In total John's two blogs receive some 250,000 views per month.) John is also co-founder of The NALT Christians Project, which was written about by TIME,  The Washington Post, and others. His website is JohnShore.com. You're invited to like John's Facebook page. Don't forget to sign up for his mucho-awesome newsletter. If you shop at Amazon, help support John by entering the site through this link right here--Amazon will then send John 3-4% of the cost of anything you buy before exiting the site again.

 

  • Larry Petry via Facebook

    awkward.

    • Kai

      Pretty sure the only person making it awkward is you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/NEWolfe Nathaniel Wolfe via Facebook

    I keep liking you more and more ;) I just posted a poly piece on my blog too…I don’t understand why people don’t get us :-D

  • Felicia Shamoomoo Burkhardt via Facebook

    Wow. Well least some people can do it; me, well it probably won’t work out too well lol. ;)

  • http://www.facebook.com/mattsipe Matthew Sipe via Facebook

    Sounds like Jacob from the Bible, without the deception from Laban.

    • http://luwandi.wordpress.com beth luwandi

      And a lot more happiness. No debilitating jealousy between sisters, rivalry among children. I have long wondered precisely when the accepted polygamy of OT Bible times changed and how that transformed. Anyone know? (I mean, I could research, but if someone knows, please be my source.)

      • vj

        I’m not sure if it’s precise, but the NT recommends that a person desiring leadership (within the Church) should ‘be the husband of one wife’. This was really a practical consideration – there was clearly a long history in Israel of polygamy and the problems it causes (jealousy etc), and the more wives (& therefore children) a man had, the more concerned he would have to be about ‘the things of the world’ instead of ‘the things of the Spirit’. I’m guessing that, once Christianity went ‘mainstream’, the ‘ideal’ of one man + one woman took hold in the wider ‘Western’ culture as well?

        There are still lots of cultures that consider polygamy completely normal – the President of South Africa has 5 wives, and is apparently not done looking for further wives. Islam permits a man to have up to 4 wives, and there is a sizable Islamic community here as well. Makes for very ‘interesting’ legal issues….

    • Nicole

      Except that I really doubt Leah ever wanted to share her husband with Rachel (and vice versa).

      • Gary

        This is true. Interestingly enough there is reason to believe God was not happy with the jealousy between the women. But Had no problem with the arrangement…not even the additional two kept women. When God expresses dissatisfaction in scripture pertaining to sexuality…it always has to do with some type of abuse or lack of love. I have believed for a long time that what God cares about is that our hearts are right…not with our sexuality.

        • Diana A.

          The polygamist relationship between Jacob and his two wives should have never happened because it was based on a trick by Laben. Jacob wanted Rachel and was tricked into marrying Leah first. And because Jacob obviously desired Rachel so much more than Leah, God compensated by having Leah be the primary child-bearer while Rachel was barren for many years. I just thought I’d share this as further explanation of your point.

          • Gary

            Yes great clarification. I love how even in this relationship that was not begun with mutual agreement and trust…God still wanted it to be so. Also even in a relationship that was started on a lie and became stranger still…God’s objections were never with the “arrangement” (2 wives and 2 additional lovers) but rather with the jealousy that existed. Even in such circumstance He desired trust and love.

        • vj

          I think God cares that we HONOR each other. When Abraham fathered Ishmael with Hagar (something that Hagar had no choice in), and then Sarah got jealous and sent her away, God took care of Hagar, even though it wasn’t exactly His original plan. He didn’t allow Hagar and her son to be treated dishonorably. I also find it telling that, when Abraham died, BOTH Isaac and Ishmael buried him – both fulfilled their familial duties, even though Ishmael’s mother was not ‘officially’ married to Abraham.

  • Tyler Simonds

    This is by far my favorite article on the site. <3 I've never met someone who was truly polyamorous (or should I say polyfidelitous?) and it's refreshing to see one source that treats them with love and kindness.

  • Tyler Simonds via Facebook

    The way she responds to everything sounds like it’s something she’s been wanting to say for a very long time. Thank you for giving that opportunity, John. :)

  • Anji

    Thank you for this.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nwbuckeye Pat Hux via Facebook

    I just read a post about how Christians need to get their sexuality out of the shadows and be real. Of course, in most church settings, this will not happen. God forbid the unmarried who are sexually active should ever admit it…… and we just could never say that God is not only OK with it, but He has given us this gift.

  • Andrea Claassen

    Fascinating. Thanks for sharing your story, Moraine. I don’t know many one-man, one-woman couples who relate to each other, communicate, and appreciate each other as much as the three of you seem to — I have to think that the bond you share among three is a relative rarity. Sounds like a house full of love, and isn’t that what righteousness is about? More power to you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/john10423 John Gragson via Facebook

    have to agree it sounds more than a little awkward, but not my place to judge.

  • http://luwandi.wordpress.com beth luwandi

    Thank you, John, for exploring this further. You asked the good questions. I’m curious about one thing…to her: if the teenagers know there’s sex between three going on as a part of their family configuration, isn’t it probably true that others in your small community will also know this… already or fairly soon?

    It’s really interesting and especially disturbing that societal structures favor mistreatment of people over what sounds like love that works. Ahh, the blessing of loving and being loved.

  • Larry Petry via Facebook

    John, it’s okay to speak up and say SOMETHING though. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Elizabeth-Rossano/100001148589372 Elizabeth Rossano via Facebook

    I consider my self pretty open minded, but this I have a problem with.

  • Kelli Joyce via Facebook

    I couldn’t do this without someone getting hurt – me or someone else. But for others who can? Good for them!

  • Kayla Pennington via Facebook

    Love it! Thank-you!

  • Laurel Hedge via Facebook

    The concept of polyamory is surrounded by misconception and fear. Hmmm. Sounds kind of familiar.

  • Shelley Krasean Flavell via Facebook

    I have a hard enough time with just one relationship. I think this would not fit my personality at all.

    • Gary

      Indeed Shelley…and this is why it certainly is not for everyone…probably not for very many in fact. Problems between two can be even more between three. (Or four as in our case) But we have found that problems between any two can be helped by the remaining partners rather than hindered. Of course there must be genuine love and trust or it most definitely would not work.

  • Gary

    Wonderful answer Moraine. I especially love the way you describe poly-fidelity and differentiate it from the typical swinger lifestyle. This is something very few Christians can believe or are willing to accept from those of us in this situation.

    As I shared with you on the other thread, we are a blending of two couples also in a poly-fidelity situation. Like you…we did not seek it out and never dreamed we would ever find such a thing. I mean after all…we were all good Christians in long term marriages. But love found us anyway some 5 1/2 years ago and the blessings have been incredible. We all dream of the day we can live together like you three do…but it just is not yet possible. And also like you…we maintain secrecy as much as is possible…for now.

    Thank you for being such a wonderful spokesperson for us and handling John’s excellent questions so well.

  • Anonymous

    I normally don’t post anonymously but this time I am. My hubby and I are swingers. Yes swingers. We have a select group of friends that get together occasionally and yes sometimes sex happens. I can see making the step toward polyamory and even might consider it some day. Thank you John for an informative article.

    • Gary

      My statement “typical swinger lifestyle” probably sounded quite judgmental to you. Apologies if you were offended by it…did not mean it to be so.

      Personally I believe God’s rules on sexuality are pretty straight forward. The law of love governs our actions…period. No deception, no harm, no coercion, no exploitation, etc. But so long as these things are not present…I don’t think God cares.

      • Anonymous

        Gary, thanks for that and actually I didn’t read your post till after I posted mine and no offense taken. :)

      • Scot Miller

        Gary, you are exactly right about “God’s rules on sexuality.” It’s not the particular arrangement of folks in a relationship that matters, but whether that relationship truly expresses love, mutual respect, and trust.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Otto-Christian-Beyer/1764265676 Otto Christian Beyer via Facebook

    Good one, John.

  • Nai-nai Gonzalez via Facebook

    I love this article! I am not sure I would be able to do this, but I don’t judge others who are able to do so in such a way that all involved are doing so voluntarily and are feeling loved and respected. Marriage is based on societal norms. In some societies monogamous relationships are the norm, in others multiple partners are the norms. In others marriage is falling to the wayside as more people decide to co-habitat. Honestly, I don’t think there is anything inherently right or wrong about any of the arrangements.

  • Anon

    I wonder how sex talks work with the teens? My wife and I realize we can’t truly control what our daughter is doing (it) despite the fact we’re concerned about std’s, pregnancy, and not yet being able to find a committed spouse/life partner to share sex with. Do the teens take the usual flippant attitude to sex? Or do they have a higher view of it seeing the commitment these three have made?

    Also, has this family been able to find a church they feel safe and fulfilled at?

    PS Why isn’t this on TLC yet? Lol

    Kudos to you and your family polys.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      I got kicked off The Christian Left, is why.

      • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

        How did that happen? What did you do? Was what you wrote too conservative or *too* liberal or just plain cantankerous or what?

        Inquiring minds want to know.

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

          Let’s just say I asked the wrong question.

          • Diana A.

            Well I’m sad about that. :-(. Isn’t the notion that there’s a such thing as “wrong questions” the whole reason for there being a Christian Left?

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            Only if no one’s got anything they’re trying to hide.

          • Diana A.

            Hmmmmmmmmmmm. I understand. That’s too bad also.

          • http://patricewassmann@yahoo.com Patrice wassmann

            OMG YOU got kicked off TCL?? you practically are TCL. So sad to hear about this.

      • Diana A.

        Yes, tell it!

      • Valerie

        I would like to know the story too!

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

          There’s not much of a story. I was an admin on the page. I asked a question (in the admin area of the page) that the guy who owns/runs the page is extremely keen on people never asking, and boom–no more admin for me! But it’s cool. I’m glad to be outta there.

          • Diana A.

            So, what’s the forbidden question? I know. It’s probably ethically improper for you to tell me. Nevermind.

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            No, it’s not ethically improper at all (though I certainly appreciate your discretion!). I just don’t want to get into a public pissing match with those clowns.

          • Diana A.

            Yeah. I get it. You’re smart like that!

          • vj

            :-( That really sucks!

            There should be NO un-ask-able questions!

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            Absolute rulers can make absolute laws.

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            Absolute rulers are free to make absolute laws. It’s a one-man show over there.

          • vj

            Still seems a pity to me, but maybe I was being too optimistic about what TCL stood for? I mean, I joined because the ideals of the group appealed to me – I’m not interested in joining anyone’s fan-club (apart from yours, of course!). And the presence of multiple admins made it feel more inclusive, which is just an illusion if even the admins aren’t always included…

            At least no-one can kick you off your own blog :-)

          • vj

            I think this highlights one of the main problems of the ‘we can just be an online community’ approach to ‘church’ – it’s hard to imagine that someone you were in a face-to-face situation with would cut you off so abruptly (although, perhaps, if you did know him better up front you might not have joined the page in the first place…). Shared ideals alone are not enough to sustain community, there needs to be real relationship as well – including questions and disagreements.

            Proverbs 27:17 “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            It wasn’t much of a relationship going in, to say the least. I knew from the beginning it was only a matter of time until I was booted from that page. I was surprised I lasted there as long as I did.

          • vj

            Hope you had fun while it lasted…

          • LSS

            Can you tell us what the unaskable question is so we (a) don’t ask it or (b) if it bothers us too much we could leave?

          • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

            It would bother you too much; you would leave.

          • LSS

            This is NOT helping my curiosity to be less (>_<)

          • vj

            Me neither!

  • Caitlin ‘Cake’ Gateaux via Facebook

    Beautiful to just be who you are. I wish them much joy and love.

  • Past Letter Writer

    First I would like to say that I have learned through my on struggles to never judge anyone on anything and I certainly do not judge this situation. It sounds loving and seems to be working for this family. When people truly love and respect each other, it is hard to find any fault in that even if it is not something we might do ourselves or feel comfortable with. So God bless this family. I shared this blog with a few of my Christian friends that I thought might be open to the discussions we have here, because John had suggested that sometimes, when people read his responses to complicated situations and all the comments of support for people going through different circumstances, it helps to use that to start a conversation with others. I thought it would be a good way to open up the lines of communication I had so long avoided.

    The first thing these “friends” said a few weeks ago when they read JohnShore.com for the first time was, “You know if you keep reading that crap the next thing you know they will have you believing there is no sin in this world, that if it feels good do it, God is all about love and there is no such thing as punishment for sin, that Jesus died for nothing because we can all do whatever we want to do with no consequences as long as it makes us happy and makes us feel good. You just wait and see, first they are okay with abortion, then they are okay with homosexuality, then polygamy, then drunk and drugged orgies in the street, as long as it satisfies their human lust, no problem. As long as no one is being hurt, no problem. If there is no conviction of sins, if everything in the world and anything you want to do no matter what is fine, then why did we need salvation to begin with? Why don’t we all just stop trying to lead good lives and just do whatever? Is this really what you think the Bible teaches? You went to this page to make yourself feel better about your sins, it is simple as that and we will pray for you, but you cannot believe this stuff and be a Christian, stay away from it!”

    Well, so much for opening doors and a new way of thinking. I would say I can’t wait till they read this, but they said they would not allow this site on their computer ever again. LOL

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Yikes, PLW. You definitely need new friends. Sane ones might make for a nice change. I love this chain of thought that goes, “If it wasn’t for my belief in God and the Bible, I’d be a crazed, immoral animal.”

      • Past Letter Writer

        Love that John! Well, sometimes people’s religious beliefs are so rooted in sin and hell they can never get away from that doctrine. Let’s face it, some of us were “scared into believing as children” hell, fire and damnation being the motivation. Only through truly reading and studying the bible and being sensitive to the Holy Spirit do you find your own way to the true miracle and beauty of God’s eternal love for us. Your blog can stay on my computer anytime!

        • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

          PLW: You’re very kind. I’m actually going to use your “friends” mini-rave in a blog post, if that’s cool.

          • Past Letter Writer

            That is fine with me, I bet some other folks have heard the same raves many times…:)

        • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

          In my experience, when it comes down to it (if you are in any way concerned with “right” and “wrong”) you just *know* what the right thing to do is, and you can discern between “not hurting anybody” and just *saying* “I’m not hurting anybody” when you know you are. One’s drinking might be something that’s a personal decision that’s “not hurting anybody” but if you’re spending the money you’d use to buy milk for your children on your booze and are prone to flying into rages when drunk, then you know it really *is* hurting people, whereas the guy with a lot of self control who can enjoy a beer with a steak dinner and limit it to just one is a different matter.

          As for me, I’m very often curious as to what it’s like to die and very often think that I am burdensome to the world – that I should just “do the right thing for the world, making it a better place” by exiting it. Some people would say that I should either because I am this/that/the other thing they don’t personally like or say that “it is RIGHT because it is my right as an invidual” (even though I’m not terminally ill and my issues are psychiatric/emotional). However, I know that it’s the wrong thing to do because, as “worthless” to the world at large as I am, I do have people who care about me whom I would hurt by taking that action. I am aware that I would cause harm.

          Right and wrong can be tricky, not so black and white, something you have to think about.

          • Valerie

            First, Shadsie, I want to say that you are not “worthless” to the world and the only people this world would be better without are those that consciously hurt others for their own pleasure and since I doubt you are one of those then you are not worthless. Secondly I think you are absolutely right about right and wrong. God gave us the knowledge and left us to make our own decisions.

            Don’t listen to anyone if they tell you you don’t matter or that your contribution is worthless. They have no idea what you may mean to someone. Blessings and Peace to you.

          • Past Letter Writer

            Ditto to what Valerie just said, you are far from “worthless”. Just think about all the support you give to people on this blog alone.

          • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

            I go through bouts of this… it’s just my brain, my disorder, I guess. I very often start endlessly analyzing my place in the world, then sometimes something sets me off. (Like, sometimes I wonder if I really am weak-minded because I cannot shake the *feeling* nor do I want to give up the hope of there being a higher power and a spiritual dimension to life, or I wonder if because I have failed to become “successful” that I’m just taking up space). I worry that I’m not doing enough for humanity and that even good things I do are negated in some way by some aspect of who I am.

            It’s…. bipolar disorder is a bitch, okay? The brain just focuses on the negatives and perceived negatives and insecurities. I tell it to shut up all the time, but it likes to scream. There’s no cure, it’s merely managed. Things like “happiness” and “peace” are fleeting things, the rest of my mental experience being one big fight.

          • maemae

            I totally get it Shadsie. I feel much the same. Up, down, and all around… mostly in the “down” area. The “management” of my symptoms leaves me “somewhat stable” in a moderate depression… the baseline from which my mental state varies.

            Do, please, know that you add so much here. We love you.

          • Past Letter Writer

            Shadsie, my son has been dealing with this for a very long time. You just described it perfectly. I hope unlike him you have those around you who understand that. My heart breaks for him and how he suffers and then breaks even more that it is something we can hardly discuss with other people. They just say things like, get over it and why doesn’t he grow up and put his big boy pants on, he is being selfish and immature. Oh, if it were only so easy. I will pray for you just as I pray for him every single day. God bless you.

          • Diana A.

            The people around your son don’t understand that it’s a biochemical thing? Man. Why are people so ignorant? It’s just sad.

          • cat rennolds

            Shadsie, I’m bipolar too, and one of the things I have learned to do that actually helps me is from the therapies for borderline personality disorder.

            Trying to feel “better” becomes a feedback loop. You start feeling guilty for feeling bad in the first place, ad infinitum. The stop to that loop is to turn around and look the bad feeling straight in the face. “Yup, I sure do feel bad. Would ya look at that.” And then sit with it. Don’t TRY to fix it or deal with it or stop it. Just sit with it. and then go, “Okay, time’s up. let’s go do something else. Bad feeling, you’ll have to take care of yourself. I’m moving on.” And then go do something else and just ignore it…as much as you can, that is. Some days you have to keep on saying, yup, okay, I hear you. I’ll get back to you in a minute. Some days you have to give it more time to whine than others.

            The first umpteen times you try it, that bad feeling stays right there shrieking at you. But one time, one time, you’ll get up to go do whatever…and the bad feeling just sort of metaphorically sits in the corner staring at you in disbelief. like, hey, where’d my power go? And after that it gets easier every time.

            No, the chemical mood never goes away. Sigh. and sometimes you’re too tired and you’ll relapse, or something legitimately emotionally painful will magnify it. But in the end…it’s like a cold or a bad leg or diabetes. It limits us, but it ISN”T us. Just because we have bipolar disorder doesn’t mean it has us.

            Shadsie: IT ISN”T YOU. Or me. There’s more and more happy and peace every day. We can reprogram ourselves. We CAN. the trick is not to feel bad because we feel bad:)

            Tag me any time.

          • Diana A.

            This. Right here!

    • Brena

      People like that just ignore the part of the Bible where Paul said that all things are permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial. The arrangement of consenting adults very much can be biblically based on its benefit.

  • Amethyst Gilmour via Facebook

    I’m sorry to comment on a post by someone I don’t know — but even the comments on the article are delighting me to the point of giggling. Thank you.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisa.n.weigand Lisa Noelle Weigand via Facebook

    “Love found us…” :)

  • Peet

    Such a great article. Yet another example showing me the difference between ‘how i think things are’ versus ‘how they actually are.’

  • Tim Gray via Facebook

    … some f*cker’s being played for a fool…

    • Elizabeth

      A happy f*cker.

  • http://www.sparrowmilk.blogspot.com Shadsie

    Thank you for reminding me how little I care about how other people live their lives. That end-bit about how “we’re your doctors, your office workers…”

    I pretty much apply that to everything. I have begun to realize just how “utilitarian” I’m getting about people and relationships. If you’re my co-worker, for instance, I want peace with you, therefore I don’t care about your religion or lack thereof, or about who you choose to date. If you’re my doctor, please just get our head out of your ass and tell me what the hell is wrong with my stomach… As long as we’re all being civil and helping one another I can care less and whenever I come online and see arguments where people seem to *really freaking CARE* about what other powerless Internet strangers believe or do with their personal lives like their lives depended on it, I’m a bit baffled. “If you do your job well enough, or provide something people greatly enjoy, people will forgive you for almost any percieved wrong or weakness” seems to be a recurrent philosophy in my short stories lately.

    Not that you are wrong, just for the people who think you are, it’s like “Hey, I’m your doctor and saved your life.”

    I can see where you can justify this Biblically with ease – not just the Old Testament which was full of “men of God” who had not only multiple wives but full-out harems in some cases, but I seem to remember Paul talking about it (the whole “A man leading the church should be the husband of but one wife”) seems to be, along with the Adam and Eve “ideal” the basis of the “One man, one woman” thing, but I always saw what Paul said as less of a condemnation and more of a practicality (loads of responsibilities at home vs. dealing with a “flock” ).

    Can’t say it’s for me, though, even though my “lifestyle” is also weird. I’m in a romantic one man, one woman relationship but we’re both asexuals. Believe it or not, the idea of sex actually bores us. Weird brain-wiring, I suppose.

  • Floyd Miller via Facebook

    Cue the Joel Grey and Liza Manelli music.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jennifer-Edwards/1196313106 Jennifer Edwards via Facebook

    Sorry, I think “polyamorous” is CRAP. My ex-husband tried to convince me that was just the way God made him and if I loved him enough, I’d let his girlfriend move in. I kicked his ass OUT!

    • Gary

      That’s NOT polyamory…that’s manipulation. Your ex does not represent us at all.

    • mzklever

      Jennifer, I think you missed the point of the article. She specifically says that all three people must be in agreement or it won’t work, and that they don’t believe in forcing a partner into a polyamorous relationship. What your (good for you that he’s your) ex-husband wanted was to have his cake and eat it, too. You did not love his girlfriend, and she did not love you. That’s not polyamorous. That absolutely is crap.

  • http://www.facebook.com/MidlandJesus Paul Keen via Facebook

    It’s not for everyone, polygamy. But on reading this article, it seems all three of these people love each other equally. Key word there being love. They have a family that they love, and lucky kids that have 3 loving parents. I lost my dad at 13 and have have never been close to anyone in my family apart from my mum, who died 5 years ago. I’m only 25.

    That is one HELL of a lucky family.

  • Lymis

    How cool to find you using that design as the art for the article. It’s my design, and I sell it on t-shirts (under a different screen name). You totally have my permission to use it for this, if that matters. I’m honored!

    • Will

      Cool t shirt. I always wanted one with the finger pointing up to my head and the caption reading, “I’m with stupid.”

  • Melissa Gammons

    This is a wonderful article/interview and I would be delighted to meet this family! I know of some poly families – I’ve seen things crash and burn and I’ve seen the healthiest relationships and family bonds develop because of their HEALTHY relationship. Love is love and sometimes three ISN’T A CROWD! Sometimes it just means having a really full loving heart!

  • Christy

    Meanwhile, over on the fundy chat circle where I have been, we’re discussing whether or not it is biblical for a married partner in a heterosexual marriage who comes out as gay to divorce their spouse. The overwhelming answer there has been: No. That would be wrong. Temporary happiness is, well, temporary as opposed to, you know, burning in hell.

    The chasm is great.

    • maemae

      Makes me sad.. my dad is gay and didn’t know until 20+ years into the marriage. They divorced, not for that reason, but my mother still doesn’t know. They are better as friends now than as spouses anyway. Both are much happier.

    • Ashley C

      Hell is being trapped in a marriage that does not meet your needs. So, if the choices are theoretical hell in the next life, or actual tangible hell in this life, I would take my chances and getting out of the marriage.

  • Barbara Rice

    I am friends via blogging with two polyamorous families, one in the Northeast US and one family currently living in The Netherlands. At first it was difficult to wrap my little brain around their situation, or why anyone would want to “complicate” their lives that way. But now I have a much better grasp on it and understand what they are about, and the concept of being able to love more than one person at a time. They too are experiencing the same kinds of rejection and hatred from their parents & families, to the point of excluding and rejecting the grandchildren of these unions. Even though they live in relatively progressive communities, they feel they have to be cautious and careful about revealing too much of their relationships to outsiders.

    • Diana A.

      Sad. Especially when these relatives reject the children. Why should the children be punished for what the adults do?

      • Will

        Maybe because Bible thumpers like the part where “the sins of the father is visited upon the children”?

        “for I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me”

        Exodus 20 King James Version (KJV)

        • Diana A.

          But that’s the LORD and even he eventually takes it back–in Ezekiel 18 the whole chapter is about that:

          “19 “But you ask, ‘Why is the son not punished for the father’s sin?’ The son has done what is fair and right. He obeys all my rules, so he will surely live.20 The person who sins is the one who will die. A child will not be punished for a parent’s sin, and a parent will not be punished for a child’s sin. Those who do right will enjoy the results of their own goodness; evil people will suffer the results of their own evil.” Ezekiel 18:19-20, New Century Version.

          But yeah, you’re probably right. Nothing haters love more than hating, right?

          • Will

            Diane, how dare you pick and choose a verse to counter the verse that I’m picking and choosing to condemn those people who pick and choose verses to condemn others for not believing in the verses that they picked and choosed. er uh darn I mean doh! :D

          • Diana A.

            What can I tell you, Will? I’m just that kind of girl.

          • Will

            Diana. doh! Break (it) down. :D

            Anybody got an edit button I can borrow?

          • vj

            ;-)

  • Diana Avery via Facebook

    @ Jennifer: Paul is right. The key with this relationship was that all three agreed to it and took their time going into it. Nobody was forced. What your ex-husband attempted to do to you was wrong and you were absolutely right to kick him out. Polyamory only works when everybody is on the same page and accepts all partners with willing joy.

  • Brena

    That’s a biblical marriage! :)

    But, seriously, consenting adults in love and truth and fidelity…where is the harm?

    • Brena

      I still think “secret” betraying polygamy of having a secret family should be illegal based on fraud.

      • Diana A.

        I agree. Unless all parties consent it should be a no-go.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mscowper Kai Cowper via Facebook

    @Jennifer I mean, good for you, not standing by and letting something that you didn’t feel comfortable with happening within your marriage happen, but I think you are letting your personal experiences color your opinion of polyamory. Much like people who dislike gay men because a gay man once managed to break up their family in some way (yet people never claim to hate all straight people because of some wrong a straight person committed against them). That isn’t fair to members of that community. Not all of them are the same and, clearly, the people written about in this article have it figured out and are quite happy. So, polyamory may have been crap in your case, I don’t know, but it isn’t crap in all cases.

  • Caitlin ‘Cake’ Gateaux via Facebook

    Well, you know some of us…

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jennifer-Edwards/1196313106 Jennifer Edwards via Facebook

    I completely understand that for some people it works. I’m just still bitter because he insists on using that term as an excuse for the breakup of our marriage. Probably TMI, but that word strikes a very raw nerve in me.

    • Amy

      You poor dear. : ( I’m sorry you had such a horrible experience. That’s wrong in every way, and a terrible excuse for hurting someone you promised to honor when you married them.

  • Ben

    Wow.

    I can’t believe there are others like me out there. I’m a bisexual man in a loving relationship with a man and woman.

    We’re still young in this relationship, but we’re making things work. Communication is key.

    I started out in a very right-wing Christian home. I suppressed any notion of homosexual feelings with the same intensity fundies know and love. I carried the signs. I told gays they were sinning. I did it all. To this day I still lose sleep over how I used to be.

    All that changed in college. I fell in love with a man and coming to terms with it was terrible. Needless to say, my mother was less than supporting. After a second suicide attempt I got out from under her hateful roof.

    Now I’m living happily in my home with my male partner who is also my co-business owner. As yet, our female partner is long distance, but it doesn’t diminish how much we love her.

    I’d be a fool to say we’re living happily ever after, but we’re living in love and that’s as close to a fairy tail ending as one could hope for.

    • http://notjustablondemomwith3boys.blogspot.com Not Just A Blonde

      Ben, I just think it is interesting that you were anti-gay before you were able to come to terms with your sexuality. I think sharing your experience now should somewhat atone for your mistakes. ;o) We all live and learn. I’m just glad you did not actually kill yourself and that you were able to realize before it is too late that God loves us no matter your orientation! I hope you get your happy ending… but love seems to be more of a journey so I hope more that you feel loved loved loved along the way! :o)

  • http://www.facebook.com/JohnShoreFans John Shore via Facebook

    “If you really loved me you’d let my girlfriend move in with us.” That has got to be one of the lamest things I’ve heard of any man saying to his wife. It’s just unbelievable. What a waste of perfectly good plasma that guy must be.

  • maemae

    The last little paragraph made me cry. It’s so true. In the course of my relationship with my fiance, we have discovered that he is very much polyamorous. He has who we call “other loves” online. He has loved them since before we met. He has never met them in person, but that is something we are working towards.

    I don’t know about myself yet, but I could potentially see a situation like in this piece working for us. The only reason I don’t know about myself yet is because it has been hard for me to adjust to the idea after a lifetime of being taught societal norms and seeking the approval of society.

    Not all poly relationships are in this same form. It sounds wonderful, and there are all sorts of relationship structures under the umbrella of polyamorous relationships.

    I do know that we would not be supported by my fiance’s family if they knew about our different ways of looking at and feeling love relationships. I don’t know about my family. I suspect they would be wary of this type of thing, but would ultimately just want to know that I am healthy, happy, and stable.

    Thank you, John, for this piece and for the interviewee (new acquaintance!) for sharing her life!

  • mike moore

    wow. what an amazing interview. thank you for letting us see into your life and love.

  • Will

    Definition of Heaven; A place where everyone is loved, lovable, and loving.

    Definition of Hell; A place where everyone is hated, hateful, and hateing.

    Look at your world (our world) and guess who’s in Heaven and who’s in Hell.

    • Diana A.

      Way to break down, Will! I love how you bottomline things. It’s cool!

      • Diana A.

        Way to break IT down. I can’t take me anywhere! ;-)

        • Will

          :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jennifer-Edwards/1196313106 Jennifer Edwards via Facebook

    Let me further explain my situation. My ex-husband had (and still has) a group of couples that are, or were polyamorous. Of those couples, 1 has a relationship similar to this woman’s, 2 couples are on the verge of divorce (both have small children), and 5 (including us) are divorced. He thought, and still thinks, it’s just a fine and dandy way for everyone to live. It’s not that I don’t have any exposure to the “lifestyle.” Maybe I’ve just had too much…

    • Don Rappe

      If you married first and then were asked and pressured, you were betrayed. Consent must come first.

      • Diana A.

        Agreed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Albert-Kingma/662988911 Albert Kingma via Facebook

    What a unique and beautiful thing for these three people. This isn’t a situation where one of them thought it might be fun to have a threesome, but where all three of them noticed that they had feelings for each other and discovered that it might be possible for them all to be in a loving relationship together.
    How courageous of them to take the risk! And good for them for being wise enough to address the myriad problems that came up to stop them.
    I just pray that the people of their town can grow to accept them.

  • Barbara

    Wow, what a great interview! I’m glad to see you posting this open-mindedly and exploring other ideas of what love can include.

    I also consider myself polyamorous, although in my relationship it takes the form of my bf and I having other partners separately, not together. Like the letter writer, we decided on this very intentionally, consensually, moving slowly in a direction that we BOTH wanted to go, with no lies, deception or hiding. I do not think that this is the best relationship choice for everybody, but for me, I would not go back to monogamy.

    Polyamory, in its varied forms, is becoming a more acceptable lovestyle choice among younger and more liberal groups. It’s not just a hippie thing anymore! I first met people practicing this in high school, although I didn’t find a name for it until college. Now, 15 years later, I am friends with or know of hundreds of people in “poly communities,” spanning across states and nations, ranging in age between 21 and 81. Many of the people I know have been in stable, loving, poly relationships for decades. The community encourages “ethical non-monogamy,” which means open communication and conscious agreements that meet everybody’s needs. Cheating is intensely frowned upon. Most major cities have meetup groups or social events designed for people who are poly or poly-friendly to just live their life openly. In smaller cities, people who practice polyamory tend to be more closeted, but they are still out there.

    I applaud the letter-writer and her family for taking the steps to be more authentic to their loves, and wish them all the happiness in the world.

  • Ashley C

    To the woman who did this interview: You so incredibly brave to open up and shed some light on a much misunderstood and persecuted lifestyle. Thank you so much for allowing us a glimpse inside what truly seems to be a loving and healthy relationship. I wish you and your lovers many long years of happiness with your families, and I pray that one day you will not have to worry about your relationship affecting your standing in career or community!

    John, thank you for writing this. I’m not personally poly, but I have long defended it as a viable lifestyle when ALL involved are willing, consenting, and trusting. Everyone always looks at me like I have a 3rd head when they whisper that gay marriage will open the door to polygamy and I respond “and…so?” I believe anyone who is truly in love ought to be able to openly express that love without condemnation and have the sanctity of their relationship protected.

    • cat rennolds

      “when they whisper that gay marriage will open the door to polygamy,” I usually think to myself, yeah, but I’ll be long dead by then.

  • Jenna

    Thank you for this! “Feels right on so many levels” is how I feel with my current partner. And I also get being self-conscious about being affectionate in public–we get weird looks, but we just defiantly hold hands because we DARE you to stop us, that’s why. Though we are young and have less to lose than you, letter-writer.

    I also did not consider that I could genuinely be a woman in love with a trans woman and be loved back. I just had this idea that I would marry a Christian guy, have 2.5 kids, white picket fence, and that would be that. No other way. Am I ever glad to be wrong!

    That sounds like a dream come true for me, living in a big household with multiple partners and surrounded by kids. Even now, I have to pinch myself whenever I think about what I have, but that it could get even better…well!

    Thank you, letter-writer and John Shore! :D

    • Fiona

      Hi! I just wanted to say that I am in a triad with my bisexual husband and our trans girlfriend. It has felt very right to us as well. I have grown up pretty conservative and also had a very specific dream of being married to a christian guy(my husband is Christian just not they *type* of christian), “stay at home mom/wife” and lots of kids. I am excited for our future together!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Hannah-Givens/100002425395444 Hannah Givens via Facebook

    An awful lot of people seem to use “polyamory” as an excuse to date as many people as they want without committing to any of them, which is just plain selfish. That doesn’t diminish how incredibly sweet these three are, though!

    Maybe one day triples can walk down the street holding hands just like couples… And then we singletons can wibble about how cute they are and feel doubly inadequate for being single.

    (Kidding about feeling inadequate. Mostly. :) )

  • anonymous

    I wish that this were something to which my husband would be open. I have several disabilities that impedes any normal sex life. We do still have sex, but it is rare, and he always feels guilty after, because he knows I will be sick for days. I need the sexual connection as much as he does. I think if we had a third person, someone who could do all the things that I cannot, but would allow me the opportunity to interact with my husband in the ways that I can, we would both be happier (assuming the third person is also happy with the situation). Sigh. Is there a matchmaking database for this?

    • Ashley C

      I am so sorry to hear about your trouble, Anonymous. I would encourage you to talk openly to your husband about what you told us here, and decide what is right for BOTH of you. Remember, if he isn’t open to it, then pressuring him into it won’t do any good (not that I think you would do that). Best of luck with whatever you two decide.

      • LSS

        Yeah what can you lose by proposing the idea to him openly?

    • LSS

      I actually know a person with a condition that affects her similarly, who i believe is in a polyfidelity relationship. Now i don’t know how it’s working out, or if all 3 are intimate with each other or not, becos i haven’t kept up with her for some years (it’s a person i know online through a hobby but we got talking about personal things sometimes)… Anyway i guess i just wanted to say you are not the first in the world to have such an idea.

    • http://deeplanguage.blogspot.com/ Pam

      The matchmaking site is: http://www.polymatchmaker.com/

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ashley-Cohea/100000024967834 Ashley Cohea via Facebook

    Hannah, those who use ‘poly’ as an excuse for dating multiple people are missing the point completely. It’s not about having multiple partners, it’s about multiple partners all participating equally in the SAME relationship.

    • Gary

      Ashley…so well put. Looking for excuses to date multiple people is NOT poly.

  • Joann Stephens via Facebook

    Good interview. I only wish she hadn’t resorted to being judgmental in her comments regarding other non traditional relationships.

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      Joann: I must have missed that part.

      • Ashley C

        Me too.

      • http://notjustablondemomwith3boys.blogspot.com Not Just A Blonde

        Me three. I thought she expressed herself very well. I am hoping one day she writes a book… she seems to have a knack for writing. Very informative and interesting.

    • http://patricewassmann@yahoo.com Patrice wassmann

      I didn’t see any judgement, just a lot of joy!

  • Don Rappe

    I sure hope this works out well for all those in this big family. There is a danger that too much discourse of this type could lead to a legitimate Christian ethics. I do think that those who believe that harming someone or not harming someone is irrelevant to the question of sin should take a closer look at the 10 commandments. Of course, not harming someone is not the same as pretending no one is harmed.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ashley-Cohea/100000024967834 Ashley Cohea via Facebook

    Joann, I just reread the article and I’m still not sure where she ‘resorted to being judgemental about other non traditional relationships’?

  • http://www.facebook.com/NEWolfe Nathaniel Wolfe via Facebook

    polyamory is about love and commitment AND relationship…not screwing around…and it works and is as natural, if not more natural, than societies induced paradigm of monogomy. And it has as many variations as any other group. We define our own relationships.

  • Estelle Irene Kinkade Wilson via Facebook

    This is why the bi-sexual community and trasgender community seem to get along……..Theirs is an external expression, ours in an internal expression and visa-versa. Honey I’ve been making God chuckle since 1961, when they decided what gender I “should” be.

  • Liza Chigos via Facebook

    Great interview…I wish them all the luck and I hope they find a way to be out at some point.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pagandenma Kathleen Young Rybarczyk via Facebook

    I love living with my two guys, and they are genrous enough to share the tons of love I enjoy giving them. They are a blessing!

  • Barbara A.T. Wilson via Facebook

    Sorry, but I’m gonna say something really un-PC: Either your are too young to have enough life/relationship experience to know better yet, or you and Nathaniel are “yanking our chains” here. Been there, done that, found it immensely empty except when fraught with self-preoccupied, narcissistic drama. Good luck with all that.

    • Gary

      I’m not sure what “experience” you have had that you believe makes you wise enough to make such aggressive accusations against us but I suggest you consider the following.

      If your “been there, done that” experience was empty and fraught with “self-preoccupied, narcissistic drama”, perhaps it was because that was what you brought to the relationship.

      You clearly have no comprehension of what it means to poly at all.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Ashley-Cohea/100000024967834 Ashley Cohea via Facebook

    Barbara, I once heard a gay man describe his marriage to a woman the same way. Just because it’s not what is right for you does not give you the right to play judge and jury for others.

  • http://www.facebook.com/pages/Kissing-Fish-christianity-for-people-who-dont-like-christianity/188533647842714 Kissing Fish: christianity for people who don’t like christianity via Facebook

    some of us can only handle one mother in law at a time.

    • LSS

      There is that. Even though my MIL treats both of us better than my own mother treated both of us (past tense because we are not in contact anymore)

      • vj

        Both my mom and MIL are great; if we should ever end up getting divorced, I think I’ll sue for custody of the in-laws…

    • Amy

      I’m estranged from my own mother and so is my husband, sadly. It will be wonderful if a future spouse of ours has extra parents or in-laws to share. One draw of polyamory for us is the idea of having a big, loving family – building what we haven’t had so far.

  • Susan

    I have found in this life, that there’s a kind of 95%/5% rule in “out of the mainstream activities and relationships. Like the interviewee mentioned above, 95% of the people I’ve known to push for a “poly” situation were one partner just wanted an excuse to cheat, both partners were done with the primary relationship, but didnt want to admit it, or there were past emotional issues for one or both partners that made a deep, one-on-one relationship too threatening. And those relationships are

    Bad- they don’t bless or help those around them, they just muddy the waters with more drama that allows those involved to repeat the abuses that were perpetrated on them, or support selfish behaviors. Also in play is power- someone in that dynamic is pushing for the poly situation, while the partnet with less power is going along, for fear of losing love, or financial support of social position. And to be honest, it’s that 95% that makes me leery of “polyamory”. Not in a “shun you, push the boss to fire you” way, but in a “unless I’d known you and trusted you for years, the kids will have their sleep overs at OUR house, thanks” kind of way.

    And then, I guess there’s the rare, healthy 5%. Where the same-sex partners are honestly interested in each other sexually, no-one has been “procured” into the relationship as underaged or lower income “property”, and it’s an equally consensual and blessing situation all around. I can’t say I think it happens often, but if everyone feels loved, cherished, and powerful, and it’s a committed relationship, I’m going to let God worry about the right/wrong on this one, and just be glad that the kids and grow ups here seem to be in a loving committed home.

    • Gary

      All of what you describe here as the unhealthy 95% (though that estimate seems exceptionally high) has nothing to do with the type of relationship whether traditional or non. What you describe is simply individuals in a relationship not built on genuine love and trust or at least walking away from it.

      How does this have anything uniquely to do with polyamory, or any other type of relationship?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      There’s real wisdom to what you’ve said here, Susan.

    • http://www.HumanPotentialCenter.org/poly Bob

      As a counselor I work with a lot of poly couples, triads and quads, and have not noticed anything like 95% of those who come to me trying to coerce their partners-to-be into a poly relationship. If anything, it seems to be the reverse.

      Certainly, there are people who just want to get laid and want to manipulate others to make it happen. But most of the people I see are genuinely connected to their partner(s), love them deeply, and are trying to work out the intricacies of a new and different kind of relationship, a relationship that most of us have no role models to use as a template for “how this should work.”

      There are a lot of poly groups all over the world (see http://www.polygroups.com/) and national conferences, too (see http://www.lovemore.com). In every group I’ve visited and in every conference I’ve attended and/or presented at, there is always a shared fundamental ethical principle of consent, respect for everyone, open communication, love and caring for each other. In fact, people who attend local groups with an agenda of manipulation or coercion tend to be ostracized rather quickly, because respect for others is such a deeply-held value for polys.

      So I hope sometime you have a chance to meet other polys than the ones you’ve met so far. Feel free to attend some of the local groups and/or visit some of the national conferences. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised.

      • Gary

        Thanks for this Bob.

        Indeed “pushing” your partner into a relationship they are not comfortable or want themselves is against everything we stand for. It is not genuine poly.

    • Amy

      Abusive, manipulative people suck. Dishonesty sucks. Just a note though: all parties do not have to be interested in each other sexually to make the relationship work, as long as everyone is treated with love and respect and equality. The “V” style of relationship (two people sexually involved with one person they have agreed to share) has, if anything, a better track record of success than full triads.

      Oh, and the underage property thing? That’s polygamy motivated by religious fanaticism, not polyamory – those people make us sad too. : (

  • Marcey Schwarz via Facebook

    I have always been jealous of sister-wives. Split up the work; don’t multiply it. Great for the wives. I don’t know about the husbands.

    • http://patricewassmann@yahoo.com Patrice wassmann

      I’d prefer brother-husbands, ;)

  • textjunkie

    I am glad the interviewee has found a loving couple and that is working out. There are lots of polyamorous couples about, but you have to go north and toward the coasts. ;) A lot of them are waiting in the wings for their chances at legitimizing their relationships after the fight for gay marriage winds down, which is going to be very interesting indeed. (It’s hard enough figuring out who gets the kids and who pays childsupport in a two-way divorce; it’ll be really interesting in an n-way divorce…)

    • Gary

      I doubt if we’ll be seeing any n-way divorces any time soon. Not even sure what I think about that possibility yet. I don’t know how other’s in poly relationships feel, but for us marriage is simply not necessary. Our relationship already includes 2 strong marriages and the only child left at home is in high school and in the dark so to speak. He does not need the kind of drama in his life he would undoubtedly face if we were in the open. Our choices are personal and we have a strong commitment to avoid having them cause him hardships.

      • LSS

        Gary, i have a curiosity, are there ever any poly relationships that are all same-sex? I never heard of that yet so i wondered. The ones i knew before reading this interview and the comments here, all involved both male(s) and female(s) and some of all of the members were bi. And if i have read the comments carefully, all the ones described here would also fit that description. I don’t want to know this for any particular reason other than, like i said, basic curiosity, really. Like i’m not trying to draw a conclusion out of it or anything.

        • anonymous, today

          LSS, there are many many “threesome” households in the gay community, and they tend to either live a low-key life or live/work within a gay subculture that doesn’t blink at their living arrangement. Most are low-key not only to avoid professional/family problems, but also to avoid social ostracization. (Gay men, in their heart and soul, really are quite conventional.)

          With that said, gay guys are also, almost by definition, sexual outlaws and, as such, are used to “making up the rules” as they go along. I think it is easier both to engage in an out-of-the-norm relationship and to stay in the threesome closet, as the existence of a household of three gay men – even middle age guys – tends not to raise eyebrows.

          My husband of 26 years (now legally married for 3+) and I lived in a threesome for about 4 years. The complexities of how we came to be aren’t pertinent, but those years remain treasured years because of the depth of love, because of the good times and hilarity, and because of the enduring friendship and bond we three still have.

          As you’ve read from others, family and career concerns create difficulties, but inside of our relationship, it was beautifully easy. Traditional gender roles and sexual politics didn’t come into play, and none of us were wired for jealousy, and these elements seemed to be key to our success.

          Job relocation and other career/life demands split our relationship between coasts, and we missed each other terribly, but when, 2500 miles away, our partner found a new love, we could only be happy for him. (He and his husband have now been together 14 years, and we see them, platonically, as often as possible.)

          Some friends have said that the 4 year duration of our relationship shows its inherent flaw, but we look back and only see 4 years of exceptional love.

          • LSS

            Thank you for telling your story. It must be because i don’t know enough gay friends that i had missed that this exists. from your description, that sounds like it was a real kind of love.

          • LSS

            I should say “is”, not “was” because if you are still friends, that is also a kind of love.

          • LSS

            A real kind.

          • Anonymous, today

            It’s probably not that you don’t know enough gay friends. I don’t think successful threesomes are common, they definitely stay quiet about it, and I’m not sure we would ever have fallen into one except for a very specific set of circumstances. (living in San Francisco and LA didn’t hurt … it’s hard to raise eyebrows in those towns.)

          • vj

            “(Gay men, in their heart and soul, really are quite conventional.)”

            This, really, is why it’s such a shame that so many churches continue to exclude those LGBT people who wish to join. I am reminded of Jesus’ words to the religious leaders of His day: “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to.” (Matt 23:13)

        • anonymous, today

          PS – I’m sitting here smiling at memories. Remembering that our biggest domestic squabbles were over clothes and shoes … all similar sizes, laundry day confusion, the mistaken wearing-0f and temptation to borrow each other’s things … “you fag! our friends have seen you wearing my brand new shirt, so now I can’t wear it without looking like I wearing your hand-me-downs, grrrrrrrrr.” Excellent times.

        • Gary

          I know there are some yes…but I don’t believe they are as common for whatever reason. At least this is my observation based on the forums I have participated in and it is certainly not any kind of scientific sampling.

  • Moraine L

    Thank you, John Shore, for the interview and thank you all for the kind and supportive thoughts. Speaking to some of the concerns brought up, in relationships with more than two people there will always the potential for problems. Just like there are always potential problems with two people relationships. Couple problems are just ones we are more familiar with, since that is the normative relationship in our society, and that is why no one blames couple problems on heterosexual marriage. Who would say that a man hitting his wife is the fault of heterosexual marriage?

    Cultivating good relationship skills is important for all humans in relationships, whatever those relationships may look like. Becoming poly is not any sort of answer for relationship problems in a two-person union. I think that if someone thinks adding more people will fix a relationship problem, all they will end up with is a much bigger problem. This is particularly worrisome to me when children are involved.

    Straight, gay, couple, poly, trans, and such, if it is unhealthy and harmful to the people in it, that is not indicative of a relationship worth staying in. For those who have a love that is real and growing in its depth, give thanks to the God of love and rejoice in your good fortune. Not many people on this earth get to experience such a thing. It is a gift.

    Thank you again, John Shore, for your helpful writing and for your acceptance.

    • Diana A.

      Yes, what you say is true. From what I’ve seen, it takes even more emotional maturity to handle polyamory than to handle a two-person relationship–and a two-person relationship requires a lot of maturity all by itself.

      “I think that if someone thinks adding more people will fix a relationship problem, all they will end up with is a much bigger problem.”

      Yes. It’s like the people who are having marriage problems who think having a baby will solve the problem. If the marriage isn’t already healthy, bringing a third party of any kind into the relationship is not going to solve the problem.

      • cat rennolds

        It’s actually a poly cautionary proverb: “Relationship broken? Add more people!”

        • Gary

          What??

          • RF

            Meaning, that’s a big fat “DON’T” in the form of a pithy quip. Take it as sarcasm, warning against the obviously-bad idea it describes!

            A general comment: I can’t even remember how I stumbled on this page or website (chain of links, of course) but I’m glad I did. Like Brynn, I’m also a woman in a poly “V-formation” with a longtime male partner and a newer male partner who was our good friend. And like the interviewee, this is a new situation for us (though not a new idea) and we’re working our way through the feelings and the quirks every day. I love how she described it: “love found us, and we were willing to step outside of the norm to meet it.”

            Anyway, it warms my heart to find religious people who embrace difference, including divergence from what some fundamentalists claim is a “one true rulebook” to be a good person. Thanks to the writer and readers here for having open hearts.

          • Gary

            I kinda figured that’s what you meant. (At least I was hoping so)

            If you’ve read the comments you know that my wife and I are in an exclusive 2 couple quad relationship. And contrary to what most fundies would be willing to believe…we are very much Christian. We too believe there is “one true rulebook”, though ours only has 2 rules…love God with all your heart and love others as we want them to love us.

            Glad you found John’s blog. A lot of good nuggets of wisdom can be found here, both in his posts and in the comments.

          • Will

            Matthew 22:36-40 New International Version

            36 “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

            37 Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’[a]

            38 This is the first and greatest commandment.

            39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b] 40 All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”

            Have you ever noticed that a fundie will quote from Leviticus and Deuteronony all day. They’ll quote Saul/Paul who never met Jesus. They’ll quote from Revelations, an obviously drug induced dream.

            But a fundie will rarely, if ever, quote from Jesus the Christ himself.

            It’s too hard to condemn others when you quote Jesus.

          • Gary

            @Will – “But a fundie will rarely, if ever, quote from Jesus the Christ himself. It’s too hard to condemn others when you quote Jesus.”

            This is so true. Before I left my “fundamental bible believing baptist church” I taught an entire series on love to my very large adult SS class. Some of them got it and were in agreement…others would look for every reason they could dream up to not have to take Jesus’ words at face value. Now I think about them and I feel sadness…and pity.

          • Will

            Thanks Gary.

            What is SS?

            Adult Sunday School? or Schutz-Staffel?
            :D

          • Gary

            LOL – Yes it would be Adult Sunday School.

          • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

            “But a fundie will rarely, if ever, quote from Jesus the Christ himself. It’s too hard to condemn others when you quote Jesus.”

            Awesome quote. Will promptly steal and repost.

    • Amy

      There’s nothing wrong with a monogamous marriage. Staying in a situation that makes you unhappy is the problem – including trying to share a partner if that is not what your heart wants. There are potential problems with any relationship, regardless of the number of people involved; both monogamy and polyamory require emotional maturity and communication to work.

  • Cynthia Haug-West via Facebook

    Amazing interview, and amazing people. Thanks for this, John.

  • Marie

    Thank you for this. I am a long time reader who recently found myself in a poly relationship. Currently I am seeing the husband of a long time poly-married couple and am friends with his wife. I am at the beginning stages of exploration and everything has worked out very well at this point. There is love, understanding, respect, honesty and communication.

    Also, if you are interested in more info on poly activism check out http://www.modernpoly.com. I found the site very helpful.

  • LSS

    For my husband and me, i think getting along with one life partner is hard enough. But totally worth it.

    And i think that this relationship is great because of how it works out for the interviewed person or rather for all 3 of you. really hope that things progress in the society so that you can all live openly one day. From what you said about your location, you could be my neighbors (although considering your jobs you probably live several blocks away in a nicer neighborhood LOL) but seriously i don’t anticipate things changing that fast but i wish they would for you and for everybody.

  • Bryn

    I am in a “V” formation triad, and live with both of the men I consider life partners. I am married to the first of them that I met and committed to, but obviously, cannot marry the other. I would if they let me, but they won’t, so a hand fasting and joint property is as close as we can come. What I would dearly love to see is more representation from the other side of the coin. We see these sorts of arrangements (one man, more than one woman) from the polygamous quarter all the time (“Big Love” and “Sister Wives”). But women with more than one partner is rarely given air. But, we’re out here.

    • cat rennolds

      having read said comments: yes, poly fidelity is harder than monogamy. but way too much of that is cultural. if it were culturally supported, just like gay marriage – that is, completely taken for granted as a normal lifestyle – it would be considerably easier. It’s harder to be patient and committed and forgiving when everyone around you is telling you the whole relationship is wrong in the first place.

      • cat rennolds

        whoops. that was meant to go in general comments, so if it seems disjointed, it is.

  • Michael

    this is the only website i know of where i end up usually feeling the conservative man in the progressive people soup. im not really okay with this. is it okay for me to not be okay with it? i wouldnt try to outlaw it or anything, i just dont think its right. does that make me xenophobic or something?

    • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/johnshore/ John Shore

      No. That’s … well, not what xenophobic means. (And I often feel like the conservative man in the progressive people soup here. I think at times we all do. That’s kind of why it works.)

      • mike

        You’ve created a monster, Dr. Frankenshore. A big, out-of-control, and lovable monster with whom all your wild children can play. Deepest thanks to you.

      • Michael

        well thats comforting. i certainly dont like to think of myself as being judgemental.

    • vj

      I think it’s perfectly okay to not be okay with anything that strikes you as not okay… That’s what boundaries are for – knowing when to speak up if our own boundaries are being violated, and also recognizing the boundaries that other people have to stop us judging/interfering/expressing unsolicited opinions. Basically – MANNERS.

      In specific cases, if you came across a situation that you felt was abusive/coercive, it might be good to speak up in some Holy Spirit-inspired way (if you are a Christian), but for the most part I think we should keep our opinions about other people’s choices to ourselves (and these blog comments!)

    • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

      I think the best first instinct might be to say – “This doesn’t feel right to me, so that probably means it isn’t right *for me*” and then just let that sit awhile. What works for some definitely won’t work for everyone, and a moral-seeming aversion to something is likely just a good indication it would be very bad for *you* to do. Then we just shrug our shoulders and say “I don’t get it, I can’t understand it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for someone not me. Maybe someday I’ll be able to emphathize.” Then just let it go.

      From experience, this has worked for me for various issues. The aversion can be accepted – that “ick” feeling doesn’t have to turn into personal shame that we are too jugdemental. And it can also prevent us from looking like an idiot if our views do shift in the future. Sometimes wisdom is just keeping our mouths shut.

  • cat rennolds

    Whoa, see what happens when I step out into real life for a couple of days? Must read comments now before opening mouth….

    • vj

      I know what you mean – I get so frustrated when my actual life interferes with my ability to spend every waking moment on this blog!

  • http://Www.ask-Isaac.com Christina

    Thanks to the interviewee for telling her story. It was beautiful to hear how happy you all are. Loved the part about how the love between each pair of you reverberates out into your relationship and makes the love of the group stronger. Like when you have more kids the love in your house just grows. There is no finite “Love Pie” and you really do get more when you give more! Enjoyed hearing how that applies to poly relationships too (when we can let go of “separateness” and truly experience it!)

    So happy for you and your big family!

  • http://rindle.blogspot.com Lyn

    For some reason, this makes me think of a family… not quite story, but situation from my husband’s family. He’s done some genealogy research and ran into a snarl a couple generations back. Seems there were two female cousins with the same last name who had been also given the same first name. They married two brothers, thus resulting in them still having exactly the same name. They both had kids (some with the same names as their cousins because the hubby’s family is notoriously uncreative with names). And then one of the brothers died.

    So far, a pain to try and track genealogically, but not too awful. But then, the widow and her kids moved in with her brother-in-law and cousin/sister-in-law, creating a huge rambling family with two moms (of the exact same name), one dad, and a whole passel of kids (It was out West somewhere, so I can use ‘passel’). Census records afterward are rather a pain to sort out, since there’s now no separate addresses to distinguish the two women or their similarly-named kids.

    When my hubby told me about this, I immediately thought of some of those polygynous marriages of old (and not so old). Now, I have no real reason to assume there was anything marital going on between the widow and her in-laws, but that’s what my mind’s eye pictured. And it was a nice image– all these kids in this huge ranch house and the two women working side by side, and the dad/uncle coming in from the range with the older boys and, you know, just this sort of idealized hard-working family sitting down to dinner and sharing their day.

    Of course, this is the hubby’s family with their Southern plantation roots and range wars, complete with shootings and murder trials, so my idealized image is probably far from the truth.

  • http://www.felinedreamers.com Nikki

    Great interview! It was passed along to me because I just wrote my own story about our family’s experience with polyamory. Our experience is different in some ways, but similar in philosophy – the importance of love, sharing, taking everyone’s feelings into account, etc. If you’d like to read my article, called “Surrounded by Love: Our Alternative Family,” it’s in the March issue of Rethinking Everything, an online magazine. Here’s a link: http://www.remagazinesex.com/issues.html

    Thank you for being willing to speak up about these issues. I’m not a Christian myself, but I certainly appreciate when people are open-minded about complex moral issues.

    Nikki

  • TDC

    We are in the same type of relationship as the person being interviewed above. We’ve found it extremely difficult finding someone like then to ask questions to etc.. We are doing great together and are interested in the societal challenges along with the family and professional ones. We think our families know something is there but they don’t know exactly what it is. Our biggest concern is work. We are all professionals and two of us find it even more of a challenge because our work frowns upon anything resembling it. One thing we want to know is, is it that difficult to keep it quiet? We’ve kept it quiet for 2 years now but want to know will it get easier or harder since we’ve already done it this long?

    I really wish the interviewee were available to discuss and help us.

    • Gary

      I am not in the exact same type of poly relationship but ours certainly faces the same challenges you speak of. We are two married couples who have blended our marriages together. We are hetero so the dynamic is that each of us basically have two spouses and a best friend. We have been this way for more than 5 years now so the dynamics of it have been pretty well worked out and in harmony. We don’t live together so that does allow us a bit more ability to shelter our relationship from the world. Though the extra car frequently in the driveway all night has lead to some rumors spread around our small town, nothing has progressed more openly than rumors. None of us work in our town so no issues there.

      We are not open to our families…though many of them suspect and a couple have knowledge…all are discreet and just treat us all as extended family. We would love to live together some day though practically we know it would be very difficult to be accepted in society. So we keep our relationship as private as possible yet still allow ourselves the freedom to spend as much time together as possible. Unlike friends who can only be together so much without damaging the relationship…we have come to crave the same kind of togetherness any loving couple does. Basically we consider ourselves to be very blessed as our lives have been enriched tremendously.

      I would say yes we have found it is difficult to keep it totally quiet, but without us deliberately putting it out there so to speak…most people seem to take the approach of live and let live.

  • Anna

    I am in a situation where I love a man who is married. And I am married to. I tend to poly relationships but my husband does not like it. Calling things cheating is stupid because you can only judge from the outside when you are not in the situation and don’t know how it is really.

    My guyfriend would want to be with me as well if he could. Social restrictions and christianity are excuses for us to not follow our bliss. There is something that will be worked out however – that is why we met.

    My husband will not stay my husband (divorce) and will not be included into any poly relationship should one come up for my guyfriend, me and his wife.

    I read above that it is not ok to go for poly (or my interpretation) when one partner is not ok with. Then what is the option? To say I stay in the shitty marriage because husband is not ok with poly?

    I have enough of those people who judge and don’t know what they say!

    • DR

      It’s my understanding that all adults involved meed to be supportive and consenting. If your husband is not into this then there’s your answer. I’d not call it “poly” so you can have a boyfriend. Everyone has to agree and want the same thing. That’s not a judgment, that’s the definition.

    • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

      If your relationship is shitty and so you want a new one, that isn’t poly – that’s half the population.

      If you sleep with someone not your spouse and your spouse is not cool with it – that’s cheating.

    • Amy

      What are your options?

      1) Get divorced.

      2) Stay monogamous with your husband, since you married with the expectation and agreement of monogamy.

      3) Continue to lie, cheat, and make your husband miserable while blaming your own unhappiness on him. Misuse a perfectly good word, “polyamory”, in service to this. I hope you don’t take this option but suspect that you will.

      Source: a woman in a happy polyamorous marriage

  • http://www.facebook.com/KJoyBunn Karen Bunn via Facebook

    This makes more sense than most relationships if you ask me. I’m a former fundie — and I was taught there that God is three in one, too. Good enough for the holy trinity — good enough for humans.

  • Shannon Sanderson via Facebook

    I’m poly. My husband, boyfriend and I have lived together nearly ten years. We have raised our kids together, the youngest two are still at home, ages 5 & 12. All of our kids know as do extended family, friends and coworkers.
    We are just a family with 3 adults. Thumbs up to the lady you interviewed. Yes, we are out there and yes we do have wonderful, loving, committed families. :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/robert.b.foster1 Robert Banks Foster via Facebook

    How right you are John. Seems like a very healthy relationship. I guess we can simply say LGBTP or better, Loving.

  • Shannon Sanderson via Facebook

    @robert- thats awesome! Lol. @karen- our youngest child is named trinity in honor of the effort of three parents and the holy trinity. ;)

  • http://www.facebook.com/jonathanvitale Jonathan Vitale via Facebook

    Ok, I know we’re not talking about “official” marriage here, but doesn’t this reinforce the concern that once we remove the one man one woman constraint on marriage the flood gates are now open? If Brown had seen this link, couldn’t he have said, “and see, gay marriage isn’t even settled yet, but here are people getting us ready for the next move away from traditional marriage. Where will it stop?” Just playing devil’s advocate here.

    • Gary

      Traditional biblical marriage very much included poly relationships. Which form of “traditional” marriage are you referring to?

      • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

        Indeed, mariage has already been changed so many times. The floodgates have long been open (never were shut), and they aren’t going to close – to considering lagalizing poly or anything else – any time soon, with or without SSM.

  • http://www.facebook.com/mark.schieber Mark Schieber via Facebook

    As a guy who’s 46 and raising two boys alone for the past ten years, all I can think when I see stories like this are, I wonder did one of those guys get my wife? I know it’s illogical to make things that personal, but statistically, polygamy isn’t sustainable unless society is ready to absorb a LOT of sexually frustrated guys.

    • Clyph

      Mark, polyamorous relationships come in a lot of other flavors besides 1 guy and multiple gals. I personally know several triads consisting of one woman and two men. It’s a two-way street and it all balances out. Equality is funny that way.

      You might consider spending less time blaming other people for your relationship failures and more time figuring out what you’re doing wrong. It’s pretty telling that you blame someone else for taking “your” wife, and don’t even consider the possibility that a woman could have multiple male partners.

    • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

      Maybe your wife is just waiting for her second husband – you.

  • Tom Maxwell via Facebook

    Many who call themselves polyamorous are just polysexual.

    • Gary

      Many who call themselves Christian are just religious.

  • Terri Antonovich via Facebook

    If it works for them, who are we to judge …..better than living in a forced by wrong beliefs violent relationship, that’s for sure …more power to them

  • Roger Wolsey via Facebook

    as for me, I couldn’t handle more than one mother in law.

    • Gary

      LOL

  • http://www.progressivechristianitybook.com Roger Wolsey

    IMO, it isn’t wise for a man to have more than one mother in law.

    • Tavdy79

      If he has more than one mother in law, he has only himself to blame.

    • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

      Poly for orphans only?

  • http://www.facebook.com/andrewchow01 Andrew Chow via Facebook

    Thanks for sharing, John. I saw a video clip of a man with three “wives” and call ‘em his three independent monogamous relationships. The women are friends, and not bisexual. I am sure there are other variations on the theme of polyamorous relationship. Indeed, relationships don’t even have to be intimate and sexual, i.e. platonic committed long term relationships between two best friends. It is not about marriage. And in this case, if they want to have the same tax advantages of raising their children together, and having medical rights etc, they need to be free to do that, through similar commitment ceremonies.

    Love is not about gender, nor sex, nor numbers, but faithfulness, commitment, and sacrifice.

  • Elizabeth Fullerton via Facebook

    Isn’t polyamory normal?

  • http://www.facebook.com/bob.ingle.3 Bob Ingle via Facebook

    always thought if I had two wives it would be big-o’-me

  • http://www.facebook.com/belltower Andrew Bell via Facebook

    Jonathan, one thing to remember is that, since Lawrence v. Texas (2003), you are legally allowed in this country to live with and have any non-financial relationships with other consenting adults. What you still can’t have is legal protection for those relationships (right to make medical decisions, automatic inheritance, etc.) We can certainly argue whether and what protections such relationships should have, but it’s much more complicated than saying “OK, the two people getting married don’t have to be of the opposite sex.”

    • catrenn

      actually, in Georgia you could be arrested for bigamy if there are more than 2 partners, and any one of them is legally married to anybody. cohabiting with a second person as if married – common law marriage – while legally married already – counts as bigamy too.

      personally I think it needs to be set up as thus: govt gets out of marriage altogether, and only does civil unions. civil unions are basically family contract law, and can apply to any number or gender of consenting adults. civil union agreements would come in various types, one of which would be the default, looking like today’s legal marriage in every other way: cohabitation as equal partners, everything shared equally including children, least legal fees, sign in front of the Justice of the Peace and you’re outta there.

      the more complex forms of polyamory would require different contracts, yes. but I don’t see it being any more complicated than multiple serial monogamy. the more complicated they are, the fewer tax breaks they should get and the more fees they should pay.

      • Diana A.

        That makes sense.

      • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

        Cohabitating (with no claim to being married or common-law) while being married to someone else seems highly unlikely to be illegal (and estranged spouses do it all the time). I could be wrong, though.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jonathanvitale Jonathan Vitale via Facebook

    My point is that we can’t argue (about four blog posts down on my wall from here) that the conservative in the Brown-Savage debate is ridiculous and stupid for saying that gay marriage will lead to polygamy (yes, I know not the same as polyamory), and then go ahead and advocate for it in the background.

    • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

      But the point is is that there is nothing in the shift from viewing marriage as being about procreation to marriage being about the people involved that would lead to polyamory/polygamy. Changing the numbers is a separate shift who can support or oppose separately from SSM.

      *IF* that shift was made, the view of what marriage means would change what the ultimate outcome looked like. A view of marriage being about procreation would lead to traditional polygamy arrangements that maximized a man’s siring potential. A view of marriage as about the people involved would lead to multiple partners by equals and relationships among more than two. *IF* that shift was made – but neither view of marriage inherently facilitates or prohibits that shift in numbers.

      What Brown is really trying to say is not that the shi in views could lead to ploygamy – but that allowing *any* change might allow for more change. But by that logic, letting women vote and own property brought us closer to polygamy (because it changed the view of marriage from being the union of a male public representative and a female private caretaker) – when the exact opposite is likely true, given that increasing women’s rights would have lessened the sociatal tendency toward traditional polygamy (with modern-style polyamorous relationships having been far from attaining any legal status).

      What Brown is really doing us using a pure slippery slope argument, that any change could lead to more change. But that in and of itself should not be an argument against. Change is not necessarily bad. What that argument says is “Change scares me” or, maybe more accurately “I have no good reason for my position now, but I know I don’t want this, so I have no confidence I can stop any further changes I don’t want in the future”.

      Particularly by governments, but also as a general rule, such decisions need to be made on their merits. If there is a good reason to oppose polyamory/polygamy, then there is no need to worry about any other changes leading to that. If there isn’t a good reason, then we don’t have to worry about it happening, because it won’t be bad if it does happen.

      Ironically, by advocating for a procreation view of marriage, Brown is actually advocating for the basis of the type of poly that has been shown to be harmful for society (given th tendency to view women as property to be collected by men like trading cards) and making less likely the type that wouldn’t be harmful, were poly to be legalized.

  • Barbara Harris via Facebook

    Co-wifery is a GOOD thing!

    • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

      That really sounds gender-specific – like either a man needs two women to be satisfied, or that women can only put up with a man half the time. Either way, I’m not sure that’s what you were going for.

      • Scott

        Some of the comments you’re replying too are a little gender-problematic, but you’re really stretching to get offended here.

  • charles

    im also in a 1 man 2 women relationship, im trying to figure out the sleeping arrangements i have been putting one of my women to bed and then going into the others room and staying until dawn/morning and waking them both up. I love both women and i could not give up either one, we have gained alot of respect for this gift from God and parts of me feel like its a trinity with the love we share together, its not for everyone but we dont hide our relationship we are open to the world sure people turn their heads when they see me be loving and affectionate to two women its taboo. I remember what God said in the old testament about judge not lest ye be judged and he is the Alpha and the Omega. I just would like to hear from people who have succeeded in this type of love.

    • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

      “one of my women” Seriously?

      As much as I respect the person who was interviewed for the post, it does seem to bring out some creepiness in the comments. I think the word “also” there was misplaces, as you are not in a three like the original subject of the post.

      *you’re* still working out the sleeping arrangements – i.e. you are in charge and making the decisions for two other people who you view as belonging to you. and you also refer to your partners as if children – putting them to bed and waking them up

      If these are the types of relationships the interviewee gets lumped in with, I can see why there’s such a barrier to acceptance.

  • Robert G.

    I’ve been with my ex-wife and my fiancé for four years now. We all love eachother very much and spend alot of time together. Our relationship is based on companionship and not about sex. The girls argued one time at the beginning of our relationship and not since. We cant imagine not being together. Even though were open to others about our relationship, we would like to find other like us. Our outside family has excepted and see how happy we are when were all together. They have commented on how the girls interact together like they are one.

    • http://www.unnameablecuriosity.blogspot.com Christine

      As much as I have nothing against polyamory, the description of your partners as “girls” kinda gives me chills. And that it wasn’t a collection decision originally, if I read correctly. Are you all in a relationship together, or is it really that you have two wives, who you refer to and discuss as if children, who didn’t really want this whole thing to begin with?

  • Nico

    would really like a situation like the one above. lots of love to go around

  • vicky

    My name is Vicky i am from United States, I was in a relationship with Ben and we loved and cherished ourselves for 3 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, 2012 a day i can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because i answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but i refused,and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and i begged him because i love him so much but he refused me i was so down cast and i felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back,a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first i was scared but i have to give this man a trial because i love Ben very much and i am not willing to loose him to any woman,so i ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex came back to me with much love and a caring heart…i am testifying to this great spell caster The Great Esango Priest. if you need his help you can contact him on:esangopriest@gmail.com.

  • Hailey

    Your story is very moving. I’m in a three-way relationship with a married couple and we’re working on me moving in now. I’m glad I’m stumbled upon this article because it answered a lot of questions I had about jealousy issues and being the third addition. I wish you all the best of luck!

  • Zero

    This is really a beautiful relationship, and I wish them all the best, but I do have one egoistic remark to make: With the male/female ratio being 50/50 in the world, wouldn’t polyamorous relationships leave some men without a partner, because another has 2+?

    • http://www.HumanPotentialCenter.org/poly Bob

      That’s incorrect math, since in a poly relationship those women can have multiple relationships too, so the women involved with the first guy may well be involved with the second guy as well.

      • Amy

        Yep, it works both ways. I know an amazing triad who have been together for over twenty years and who raised their two children together. They call each other “Husband” and “Wife” but there are two husbands. The men in the picture are heterosexual but still consider themselves to be part of the same marriage, since they are both married to the same wife.

  • gerardo

    ooops, well I never think about this as an option but I had it, to make the story short my meriage ended after the third part was pushed away from the relationship. and to be honest the main problem in our three persons relationship was the fact that people started to talk a lot about us and worries arrised. now divorced, but dont get me wrong, I really believe in this type of living cos It made me a lot more interested in my big family as a supporter and children watcher as she mentioned, good to see you have that in your lifes.

    I know you will get far in time togheter, the best from a mexican to you

  • Jenn

    I’ve been Married for 12 years and my best friend now lives with us. She moved in after any ugly break up a year ago. We all decided she stay until her divorce was final. However, we’ve blended our lives on every level. We share 6 children who are completely I unphased by our non traditional love. They treat us all as their parents. My best friend and I have always been overly affectionate so when she moved in it wasn’t weird at ll for them to see us behave the way couples do. When my husband became apart of the affection they didn’t have any problem with it. My son’s (14 and 20) intial responses were like high fives. They both feel like its just one more reason that they respect their Dad. How many men can take care of two women and 6 children and everyone is happy and healthy. This article sounds a lot like our life but I would live to know the wife’s take on it all. I don’t often feel insecure but when Ido I’m terrified. I don’t want to jeopardize my beautiful, somewhat unique, family by acting out of that insecurity. My husband and best friend experience the same thing but we all express it in different ways. Our church, family and friends have no clue about it all but even if we told anyone they still wouldn’t know. So much of us is indescribable and undefined. I would really love to be able to befriend others in our discreet situation. Interviewer: please contact me but I don’t want my identity shared.

    • Gary

      Proving once again that poly relationships can and often do work with wonderful results. I am in a 2 couple poly quad for going on 7 years and it is awesome. We don’t live together at present (would love to one day) but our love is free and each of us (having 2 spouses basically) live lives full of wonderfully rich blessings.

  • http://www.KelleSparta.com Kelle Sparta – Thought Alchemist

    I have also been in a relationship like this one. My boyfriend and I met another woman at a personal growth workshop we were all taking. The woman was fresh out of a divorce and was really exploring her homosexuality. I was more bi-sensual than bi-sexual, so I didn’t consider myself an option for her. But we really liked each other, so we became friends. That friendship evolved quickly into us being more like best friends and with the three of us hanging out more often. One day, she brought up the idea of spending some time together in the bedroom. She made it clear that she didn’t know what it looked like and that she was really interested in me, but liked my partner too, so that would be OK. Our first time together wasn’t super sexual – more sensual with a lot of kissing and touching and then we all slept together. It was more than a month before the sexual encounter happened. Over the following months, what had been my partner and I as a couple, inviting in a third person to join us became much more of a triad. We each grew together in our experiences in diads and as a triad. Until it became second nature for me to just be part of three rather than having the “primary” designator. It was such a beautiful experience – one I didn’t plan to have, but one I miss a lot now.

  • Ranee

    I am a 25 years old bi and a mother of 3. I’m in love with my kids father and i have love for his other child’s mom but doesn’t mean I can’t learn more about her like he did. I do love her and care so much for her baby girl. I know she love me and my kids but she loves me a little more then I love her but I do want to love just as much. We have lived together for 2 years now and we had own ups and downs. We had jealseaes and hurt feelings but we didn’t want anyone to get hurt or feel alone. She’s bi as well but guy isnt.

    I don’t see anything wrong with three people loving, caring and living together with our 4 kids under one roof. I think it’s great. I have two loving and trusting parents watching over my kids when I’m at work. We have a schedule everyday and we all have fun together. It’s about the love and feeling you have for two people. It’s not just about the sex. It’s about loving for the person they are.

  • Louis

    I soon plan on entering in to a relationship with two beautiful women. Origninally I met one and she just happened to have been living with her best friend for many years. The thought of parting to them was not inviting and they believe they are twins to each other in many ways. They claim never to be envious of each other and want to share their life with me together. I will marry the one who I originally met and am excited to have a new life with both of them. Since this is a new concept for me, it is also very exciting and gives me the opportunity to share and give some pent up love I have. I look at it from the standpoint that if they are not jealous of each other and I treat them both equally, I will be the luckiest man on this earth.

    • Treno

      “I will marry the one who I originally met and am excited to have a new life with both of them”

      unless the other lady has expressed that she does not ever want to get married. I would curb the talk of marriage with only 1, sure they are best friends like sisters even.. but even sisters fight..and buy outlining that 1 is to be married while the other is to sit on the side lines ( wedding day,etc ) will only cause trouble down the road. Maybe it is hypocritical of me to say that u can have two, loves or life partners but marriage is a personal bond between two ppl and vows cannot be split or shared…

  • Gabriel

    I am 33 and in a relationship with Dew, a 30 year old woman since 5 years ago.

    By the time I met Dew, I also was in contact by the WWW with a 4 years younger girl (is now 26); Gina.

    At that time, she was engaging in a serious relationship. We started to become closer. There was no subject we could not touch. She opened her heart wide open to me, telling me things she would not tell to her then partner. I truly fell in love for her and I told her so. She made me know that the same thing was happening to her. We decided that for the best of both, we should get apart one from the other in order to be able to think about what was happening to us, by believing that if that was true love, we should return to each other instead of staying apart.

    One month or so later, she called me telling me that she was going give a try to the relationship she had started before and that the love and confidence she shared with me was so upsetting for her to get really involved with this guy, that she needed to get to a closure.

    She told me that she loved me, but that because of the distance (we live actually in different cities) and other tiny differences in other subjects, she decided to give the “GO” to her other relationship and needed to get this closure. I complied not to look for her, and let her live her life next to that guy that (I felt it honestly), would make her happy and complete.

    I did complied with my word… until December 2011 when I looked her up in facebook, and found her. We started to get in touch, slowly. Just as friends. What I felt about her was so intense, that I needed to know about her welfare.

    Since 3 months ago, it became very clear that we are… and have never stopped being… in love.

    She is now in a relationship that has no north and is willing to be with me, and she tells me so. Also tells me that she is feeling me so deep, and has opened her heart (as she did it 5 years ago) so wide open to me, that I must be THE ONE. That she loves me and cannot see her future, but beside me.

    The problem is that actually, my relationship with Dew is excellent. Nevertheless, I fell in love again (or never stopped being, that is not very clear to me) with this wonderful girl; Gina. And to worsen things, they are both in love with me…

    I will not leave my relationship, because I also love Dew and I know that to break up would be as lethal for her as for me. But now, I find it that cannot live without Gina.

    I have found that I need them both.

    I have been reading about this kind of relationships between 3 people and I think that would be the way to be able to make them both complete, protected, supported, and HAPPY. Both of them beside me.

    I have been touching the subject with Gina, and she is very skeptical. She is between her desire and need to be with me, and her desire not to hurt Dew, but she finds it difficult to start this kind of relationship.

    She has asked me not to give her too much information about Dew in order not to start liking her. That for me has one possible reason: she wants to fight back to win me.

    I do not want that contest to ever happen.

    My question is:

    How can I touch this subject to Dew?

    She should be involved in the relationship, and I want to tell her about the existence of Gina and my feelings about her. I want Dew to become my partner in this new crusade.

    When Dew was a teenager she had an approach with her bisexual side, but never again since then. When we were meeting, at the beginning of our relationship she was eager to know what I thought about threesomes. By that time, I told her that I though that a third part was not necessary and she left that kind of conversation behind.

    Almost 5 years have passed by since then, and now I don´t know how to touch this subject without upsetting or frightening her

    How can I make Dew and Gina get to know each other in order to become a couple of three?

    Can the love that I feel for each one of them and the intense love each one professes me, make them love each other?

    I need some advice…

    • Lymis

      You can’t make them like each other. You can’t make them like each other socially or as friends, much less make them like each other enough to marry each other, which is essentially what you are asking for, whether there would be any legal (or even social) recognition of it or not.

      At most you can clearly and openly discuss your hopes with them, and if they both agree, introduce them to each other and let them decide whether they hit it off well enough to pursue a friendship. Expecting two straight women who have until now expressed only a desire for monogamy to fall in love at first sight and swear everlasting fidelity would be a bit… ambitions.

      Of course, doing so risks that they hate each other on sight, and by extension, you, for putting them in the situation. It also risks that they become the bestest of best friends and decide they can both do better than you. There’s a tiny chance that you’ll reenact the King Solomon and the Case of the Slicing Baby, and one of them will declare that she wants you no matter what it costs, and the other flips you both off and leaves.

      You can love them both. You can’t force them to love anyone.

      And any idea of “The One” is just a romantic myth. There is no The One. There are people we may be lucky enough to fall in love with, and there are others out there with whom we could also fall in love with. Just because you happen to find two at once doesn’t mean you’re absolved of making choices.

      • Gabriel

        Thank you Lymis, for your reply.

        Straight, direct, concrete and truthful.

        I felt you got involved in answering me, and that means that you had to read me very carefully and that is exactly what I was eager to. Thank you again.

        I read your reply in the moment you posted it, but took a few days to think about it. Trying to know what I feel, having all the ideas you put to words in my head… making a brainstorm with flashes that eventually collapsed to what I will write below.

        Although, I cannot find but a perfect logic in the phrase: “Just because you happen to find two at once doesn’t mean you’re absolved of making choices” and is obvious where it is oriented to, I choose to take it in a completely different way.

        There is a saying in my language, and I do not know whether there is a similar one in English, but the translation would be: “To choose is to renounce”.

        Choosing one of them, means to renounce to the other. I choose not to renounce to any of them both. I choose to take the higher risks.

        I would rather try to fly these (now) crippled twin engine aircraft to base through the storm than to bail out because of fear and wait for rescue to come.

        Why do I put “now” between brackets? Because I have something seeming to a plan to try to get the sides closer. Something that came up reading “… at most you can clearly and openly discuss your hopes with them, and if they both agree, introduce them to each other and let them decide whether they hit it off well enough to pursue a friendship”. Maybe, that should actually be the final leg.

        As you said, I cannot force anybody love anyone. But to “force” is not the idea. Neither to “convince”. Maybe to “pursue a friendship” and let things go on and see what happen. The “sexual” barrier to “be” in a one-night stand with another woman has been torn down from their side. As I said, it was me the one that didn´t give that desire any importance in the case of Dew. And Gina has told me that she would give it a try; but only in a one-night stand.

        The big deal is the adult and lasting relationship. That is what frightens/upsets one of them; and what I am afraid would happen the same to the other one.

        I believe that the one-night stand scenario, should drive me away from what I pursue, because both will see each one as a sexual toy and not as a person; someone I want to add to us (in one case) and someone I want to be added (in the other).

        Of course there is a big chance (as you said) they decide to renounce to me, because of the situation I get them involved in. If that happens, then maybe that is what it had to happen, but I really feel that I have got to a point where I do not want to get rid of none of them, and doing it, will inevitably make me regret.

        You can do nothing against freewill. If that is theirs decision, I will be able to face it. I don´t think I can face to have to choose between them both. I know that sounds childish and immature, but is the way I feel right now.

        Thank you, for the advices.

        Made me think and plot a new trail to get to where I want… well… I hope.

        Have found that this entry is now getting out of the topic of the article, so I will leave this as my final entry… unless… everything goes by “my book” and I am able to start a lasting relationship involving Dew AND Gina.

        In that case, I will come back to write down my impressions, feelings and experience. If that is not the case, then my twin engine must have been taken down by the storm. Well, after all, I thought bailing out was not an option.

        • Elizabeth

          Brave. Personally, I don’t think it works but you’re willing to go down with the ship. (Get your mind out of the gutter.) Godspeed.

  • Treno

    Have been in a M/F/F trio for 5 yrs now. Sure we have had some decent blues but honestly The hardest thing was not careing about what others thought.(proffesional & social ) Of course our friends and family quickly came around once they saw us happy together but the social taboo and judgement was the hardest, but after a while we realised that we didn’t care waht the others thought and have grown leaps and bounds since…

    We all contribute to the realatonship giving a little something that the other cannot, but instaed of getting jealous of the fact we learned to realise that it actually makes us stronger as a trio as everyones needs are meet, emotionally, psyhically, etc

    We and i use the term We, have kids. 1 to each woman. and this is the only outside problem we’ve have encounterd. we fear our children will be left out or alienated due to the other parents narrowmindness or petty fears, so school is really the only place we r not open about our living arrangements but would still not deny it if approached. Maybe because of my upbringing where i was always told that you cannot help who you fall in love with, white,black, thin, fat, male, female, 1 or 2 , doesn’t matter, love is love

  • frankie

    I’m a dutch male of 47 year and in a relationship with 2 women as well.

    My women are 41 and 42 years old.

    It started a year ago when a close girlfriend divorced and needed a place to stay for her and her 2 children. Because we had 3 spare rooms and we both very close to her she moved in with us.

    Soon we started to started to share more and more and after 2 weeks she moeved to our bedroom. Luckily our friends and her children support our relationship.

    My parents had more problems but they are starting to accept it as well.

  • http://amy@princeofcups.com Amy

    I’m polyamorous with my husband. We date other people in a way that is respectful to everyone. We haven’t found a special third yet (in any case we date separately) but it’s fantastic to see that this is being recognized as a valid way to live. We love each other and are happy together; we aren’t poly because anything is lacking in our relationship, but because liking other people doesn’t threaten our commitment. We are planning to adopt a daughter and if we also add another adult to the family, we look forward to our child having another loving “Aunt” or “Uncle.”

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    I opted in for your Feed too.

  • Dan G

    I am 50 yrs I live with 2 of the best women a guy could want. they are also 50. My wife to be on Aug 30th of this year we meant in 1989 and been together since 1998. my other love well we meant in the 8th grade. She moved in with us about 7 months ago, now I have always had a thing for her and my other love and her have always loved each other never sexual just love as friends. our kids grew up together for most of there lives well people go there separate ways but for the most part of our lives we have stayed in contact. so Sharon moved in with us 7 months ago and just to let you know she brought a very big spark to our lives. we live on a island in the Puget sound so we are not around a lot of people. and Sharon being a city girl well it took a little getting used to. can you love 2 women the same???? WOW huge question and a lot of thought. I say no all women are different and they all need to be loved in very different ways. so we had to learn this. Lisa my wife to be and Sharon are 2 very different people and there needs and wants are different also. so we all had to learn and are still learning everyday how to love each other. sure we have had are struggles but we talk a lot and that brings things out in the open and us closer together. you never plan on falling in love with another women but I have to tell you it feels really great to all of us. 3 people in love way better than 2. well we still have issues with all our kids you know social media teaches us the way and 1 guy 2 women is not the way we are taught. so we are still struggling with this and our kids well the older ones they know just have not said anything. we also have 9 grandkids between us so this is hard also. so we keep are cool around the grand kids they will find out when they understand more.. you know I remember when I told Lisa that I was deeply in love with Sharon and she looks at me and says i am in love with her too. now Sharon bi sexual Lisa not so much but we are all learning how to be together. Its not about the sex its about the love and how 3 people can bring so much joy and love to each other lives. We have no kids living with us so the 3 of us enjoy our farm and the animals. I work they do not they have lots to do on 23 acres. we are learning and there was and still is some moments of jealousy but we talk get it out in the open and tell each other that none of us are going anywhere we are stuck together. we all do share the same bedroom when family or kids are not visiting when they are at the house Sharon has her own room. people love and fall in love is 3 better than 2 hell yes I loved to be loved by both my partners and I am always happy to see them love each other holding hands hugging what ever its just happy love. and to have 2 very lovely ladies in my life that I get to kiss and hug everyday and say I love you too everyday its the best thing and we are very happy.

    the key is no drama talk get things out have fun love each other and enjoy live and each other.

    we are new to this so please any advice please email will be more than happen to respond to any…

    thanks

    Dan

  • indianoutlawmormon

    So…… Why then do people get all angry when ‘Mormons’ practice polygamy?My wife and I have a friend that we love dearly…. Because of our religious preference and the threat of excommunication we are still apart. We have openly admitted our love for one another, but today’s LDS Church does not tolerate polygamy.

    So…. You tell me: What can we do? I love my faith, but we love each other too.

    • Amy

      The reason for all of the outrage is because of various extremist groups, such as “The Family”, that did some truly terrible things to children in the name of “divine polygamous love.” Mormons don’t want to be associated with those people in any way. “Big Love” was more of an egalitarian group of sister-wives, while still in a religious framework; I heard a lot of monogamous people talking with admiration about the way they ran their relationship, though most of them found it strange and said it wasn’t something they could do themselves. So, I’d imagine that stressing that you respect each other and are there consensually (and made your choices as adults!) would be a good way to distinguish yourselves from various groups with (well-deserved) horrible reputations.

  • Lisa

    I have done some research on polyamorous relationships. This bio of the three people in this story is awesome, one of the best articles I have found so far! How they all have worked together in their lives to make it all come together, to be happy and committed to each other lovingly and respectfully. I recently came out to my husband that I am “Bi.” I love my husband with all my heart, we don’t have a jealous bone between us, we have been married for 19 years this is 2nd marriages . Its a very loving and compassionate and a rock solid marriage. He said he sensed I was Bi. He told me, he wants me to be happy and he wants to make me happy. I to want to make him happy to.

    We have had many talks about finding someone for me to be close to, to love us both as the three in this article. How do we do this? It’s so hard to trust some websites, most that I have looked and some have been disgusting! This article above these three people, they are so lucky, so happy. I am missing a part of my life I long for so much, like them. Maybe someone here could offer some suggestions? We live in up-state NY. Thanks…

  • KapG

    I’d really wish there would be an author like you in our country… as open minded as we are known to be most of the people here can not imagine love greater than tw0 being real.

    Just a small sidenote: Please keep in mind that poly relationships come in countless flavours, there is no “real” type of poly, there is only the kind that feels right and makes you complete. Even in the poly community a lot of people tend to make their relationship setting the standard for others, disqualifying other relationships as “lesser than”. Guess that should change before we can even expect society to accept poly :)

  • Elizabeth

    With all due respect for the pain you incurred, that’s not polyamory. That’s cheating. No number of spells fix that. I’m down with witchcraft, though.

  • Christina

    Ran across this article last night while doing some research, and it really hit home.

    I am currently going through a divorce with my husband of six years (friends/dated for 20) due to his desire to bring another person into our marriage. The problem was, I did NOT agree to this woman. He tried forcing her into the marriage, and completely disrespected me with his behaviors.

    However, during this time, I fell in love with my best friend. I could not ask for a better relationship than I have with her. And while there have been very limited sexual encounters, the love that her and I feel for each other is vastly NOT sexual. We raise our children together (have since we met), support each other emotionally, have trust and respect for each other. The whole nine yards. I realized a few years ago that I loved her this deeply, and waited a while before I told her. It has now been two years since I revealed my feelings.

    Recently, she proposed that we engage with her husband. I agreed, and I must say, I felt at home. I can see this going very far for all of us. He has always been a good friend, and we both have been there for each other when things go wrong. My children have a love and respect for him. This is all so new, but we are in the process of discussing making it “official” to fully enter a triad. He finally admitted to me that he knows I love her deeply, and is fine with it.

    I hope that one day, this can become my life. I may have birthed my own children, but I fully admit to having all six of them as mine. As well as does she. We openly admit that we “co-parent”. It helps explain why one or the other of us are taking the children to their respective appointments, or why one or the other of us are correcting children that aren’t our blood out in public.

    I don’t know. Just feels right. Feels like home. to be able to wake up next to both of them is a strong desire. And from the conversations we have recently had, they feel the same way.

  • Carla

    Sounds alost exactly like a mariage that I know of, one man with three women. The guy is straight with three bi sexual young women. The women can have each other but no other men except the husband and they all sleep together.

  • https://elizabeth-fullerton.squarespace.com/resume Elizabeth

    Strange spam for a post on polyamory.

  • kitsunemoon

    I’m in the same boat here I have one man and one woman who I love more than anything but right now we are not living together we have known each other 8+years and been in a relationship with him and her together before

  • Toliniega Szebora Dobrowieść

    This just reminds me of “Niels & Gang” (my favourite comic by the way) but I used to think that the relationship from this comic is a complete fiction, impossible in practice due to the jealousy of each of the partners. It’s difficult to have a happy relationship with one person so how can that be possible with two? Apparently I was wrong. I hope you will be always that happy and that God will continue to bless you.

  • mff

    Since it has now been 2 more years of living together in this arrangement, I would love an update. We are at the beginning stages of a remarkably similar relationship and I found this interview deeply comforting.

  • Tita

    This is exactly what I needed to read! Thank you for sharing :)

  • Andre Leonard

    “She had been my best friend for years, and we’ve always been closer than
    sisters. People used to always comment on how close we were, but we
    never realized that could be sexual, too. Both of us were raised to not
    even be aware that was a possibility.”

    The bond and closeness presented here is amazing.. I’m impressed..


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