Sadness, Not Bittnerness

I don’t want anyone to get the wrong ideas about me or my childhood. My parents held the beliefs of Christian Patriarchy, yes, along with many of the beliefs of the Quiverfull movement, but I didn’t spend all of my free time cooking and cleaning, I had plenty of friends, and I received an excellent education. My parents are truly wonderful people, and in many ways I aspire to be like them. My mother had limitless energy, moving effortlessly and cheerfully from one task to another. My father was always learning something new, and always involving us children in learning it too. My dozen siblings and I built forts, created imaginary worlds, went swimming together in a nearby pond, and altogether got along fairly well. Life was a wonderful adventure, full of happy memories. My parents even sent me away to college, confident in my ability to stand on my own two feet. I don’t want anyone here to think that I am blogging because I am bitter or angry at my parents or my upbringing, or that I had some sort of Dickensian childhood. I’m not and I didn’t.

I blog not because I’m angry at the past, but rather because in retrospect I see problems with the past, problems with my parents’ Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull beliefs that I did not see at the time. I’ve blogged about these problems here and here and here and here.

But more than that, I blog because these beliefs took that idyllic childhood and destroyed it when I came of age. After I had left for college I began to formulate my own views, and at around the same time I met a young man. And with that, the whole thing fell apart. Everything I thought my parents would never be, they were. Everything I thought my parents would never do, they did. I couldn’t believe what had happened, and couldn’t understand how my wonderful home had turned into a living nightmare.

Christian Patriarchy places an extraordinary emphasis on children’s conformity and obedience even in adulthood, and when I refused to conform or obey, my beautiful childhood suddenly disappeared. I realized that I was realistically choosing between freedom to be who I wanted, do what I wanted, and believe what I wanted, and my wonderful, happy, awesome family. I knew that if I chose freedom, there would always be a wall between me and my parents, between me and my younger siblings, and between me and the happy home I had always called my own. But having once tasted freedom, I could not go back. And so I turned around and walked away and tried ever so hard not to look over my shoulder and think about what I was leaving behind.

I understand my parents’ concern for me, and I understand that they loved me. They didn’t want me to make a marriage I would regret and they didn’t want me to lose my salvation through bad doctrine. I get that. But ultimately, kids have to be allowed to grow up and make their own decisions. Yes, even daughters! Christian Patriarchy does not handle that growing up process very well. It dictates that daughters must obey fathers and that wives must obey husbands, and mandates that women’s place is in the home, not outside of it. There is no flexibility, no room for compromise. Christian Patriarchy places correct doctrine and obedience over love and kindness. It seeks to turn children into copies of their parents in belief and deed, and when that does not happen, it holds them to be a failure. I’ve blogged about this problem here and here.

I’m not bitter at my parents, and I’m not ungrateful for all they did for me. Instead, I’m simply sad that it had to be this way, and I wish with all my heart that my parents had not fallen prey to Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull beliefs. If only they had been okay with their children growing up and choosing their own beliefs and their own paths in life. If they had, my idyllic childhood would not have suddenly collapsed leaving me to look around in bewilderment and wonder what had happened. And this, I think, is a major problem with the Christian Patriarchy/Quiverfull mindset. What I feel, then, is sadness for what might have been, not bitterness for what was. And that is why I blog.

The Cold, Unforgiving World of Geoffrey Botkin
When Marriage Looks Like the Only Escape
Red Town, Blue Town
Monogamy Isn't Biblical, It's Roman
About Libby Anne

Libby Anne grew up in a large evangelical homeschool family highly involved in the Christian Right. College turned her world upside down, and she is today an atheist, a feminist, and a progressive. She blogs about leaving religion, her experience with the Christian Patriarchy and Quiverfull movements, the detrimental effects of the "purity culture," the contradictions of conservative politics, and the importance of feminism.

  • Erika Martin – Stampin’ Mama

    So, what is your relationship with your parents now? Have they come out of the P/QF mindset?Also, did they really think that you could lose your salvation??So glad you got out!

  • Libby

    Erika – Things have gotten better since I married and then had a child. It's been a few years now, too, and time helps. Still, though, there is distance and tension. Also, my parents have loosened up a bit with the younger ones, but more in the area of their exposure to outside influences than in doctrinal purity. And finally, yes, my parents believe that salvation can be lost if one ceases to have the correct beliefs. And finally, I'm glad I got out too! The world is a much bigger place than I was taught it was!

  • Erika Martin – Stampin’ Mama

    How long ago was it that you left and got married? Time definitely does help in most cases. I left home to marry the man of my choice and all hell broke loose, but that was 14 years ago and it has taken time here, as well. So, if one ceases to have the patriarchal/quiverfull based doctrinal beliefs, they've lost their salvation? That's so sad. I pray they'll see freedom and truth one day.

  • Incongruous Circumspection

    Some days, I wish I had your story. In some respects, I did. But, I think my childhood was exacerbated by my parent's divorce, then my bi-polar mother discovering Bill Gothard. Her happy moments were awesome! We had an adventurous life. But, her angry moments became more frequent until that was all that existed. She used those angry moments to teach her happy moments how to act when her happy moments had inputs that would fire her into orbit during her angry moments. Life fell apart at that point.Keep writing. I really appreciate it.

  • bluebleakember

    Liberty,I can relate to so much of what you wrote here! There's this tension between being grateful to my parents, yet realizing I really did *not* benefit from some of the choices they made that were supposed to be in my best interests.

  • Libby

    Erika – it's only been three to five years since it happened thus far, so not really that much time in the grand scheme of things. Also, I wasn't simply questioning my parents' CP/QF beliefs, but also how they viewed the Bible, and I was looking into other denominations that were more mainline. What surprises me is that they couldn't just trust God with my salvation. I mean, why can QF parents trust God with their fertility but not with their adult children?Incongruous – I'm so sorry about that! CP/QF beliefs might not have created your mother's problems, but they sure didn't help!Blubleakember – Exactly!

  • Erika Martin – Stampin’ Mama

    Libby- That's one of the things that really bothers me about P/QF. They put so much emphasis on raising their children to be godly, but they don't trust enough in their raising to let them act like adults when the time comes. If what they're doing is so "right," then why shouldn't they trust their adult children to make the right decisions.