What Happened to Teaching Kids to Respect People’s Name Preferences?

When I was in middle school, I briefly tried out the youth group at my family’s evangelical megachurch. I was homeschooled, and wasn’t used to being around so many public schooled kids, and I had no idea how to fit in or even identify with any of the kids there. But the real problem I ran into had to do with the youth group leader. See, he wanted the kids in youth group to call him Andy*. My parents forbade me from calling him that, and required me to call him Mr. Jones*. And because I refused to call him Andy, he would ignore me if I had a question.

At the time, I was angry at the youth group leader for refusing to understand that my parents had literally forbade me from calling him Andy, and even today I absolutely think he was in the wrong for not being more willing to understand my situation. But I now realize that my parents were in the wrong too, not because they were “old fashioned” but because they refused to let me call the youth group leader by his preferred name. They thought they were requiring me to show him respect, but in requiring me to reject his name preferences they were actually requiring me to disrespect him.

It was this situation that came to mind as I read a Washington Post piece by Danielle Larkins titled What happened to kids addressing adults by their last names? Larkins argues that addressing adults by their last name is a sign of respect, and states that she will never allow her children to address an adult by their first name—even with a Mr. or Ms. in front of it. And so in response I have to ask, what happened to teaching children to respect people’s preferred names?

Forcing your children to address adults by their last names whether those adults want them to or not is not a sign of respect. When I introduce my children to an adult, I first ask that adult what they would like my children to call them. This is what respect looks like. I do not want to be addressed as Mrs. Lastname. It makes me sound like my mother-in-law, and it puts more distance between myself and kids than I want. But Larkins doesn’t care. She would make her kids call me Mrs. Lastname regardless of my wishes. That is not respect.

What does it mean to teach children to respect others? Larkins writes that children should be taught to respect adults by virtue of their age and experience. I believe that children should be taught to show respect (and kindness) for all people, including peers. But even by Larkins’ own measure,  requiring children to call all adults by their last name whether those adult want them to or not is not respectful because it disrespects adults wishes. I would argue that we need to teach children to respect other people’s preferred names, whether adults or kids. And yes, if an adult in my children’s life wants to be called Mrs. Lastname, that is how I’ll introduce them to my kids and that is how I’ll expect my children to address them. Is respecting people’s preferred names—regardless of their age—really that hard?

Larkins speaks of “Midwestern sensibilities,” but I live in the Midwest, and you know what? Most adults I introduce my children to prefer to be called by their first name—and not with a Ms. or Mr. attached. And again, yes, I ask. Even my daughter’s teacher prefers to be called by his first name when his students see him outside of class. If I were to require my daughter to call him by his last name when we see him at the park, that would be disrespectful because it would be disrespecting his expressed name preferences. Now yes, I live in a fairly progressive area—a college town—but I want to note that even the Midwest is not a monolith.

The idea that kids calling adults by their first names is always and automatically a sign of disrespect simply doesn’t jibe with my reality. I introduce myself to kids with my first name and only my first name, and I don’t feel disrespected at all when kids call me by my first name because that is my preferred name and the name I ask them to use. But none of that matters to Larkins. She would require her kids to call my by my last name even though having kids call me by my last name makes me uncomfortable. And you know what? That is not respect.

We need to reject this idea that kids calling adults by their last names is a sign of respect. Instead, we need to teach all people—adults and children alike—that true respect means calling people by their preferred names. Some adults will prefer children to call them by their last names. Others will prefer children to call them by their first names. We should teach children to respect those preferences rather than teaching children that those preferences do not matter.

Before anyone suggests that it’s more complicated to ask children to respect adults’ name preferences rather than giving them a hard and fast rule to adhere to, let me point out that if children don’t know what to call a person, they can ask. I’ve had this happen a number of times myself. “What should I call you?” a child from my daughter’s class will ask while over for a playdate. Teaching children to find out what people want to be called and respect that also prepares them for an adulthood, where they will be able to continue to apply this skill as they interact with others in both professional and family settings—and it may help cut down on bullying, as they learn to respect their peers’ name preferences as well.

When I was a child, I had an aunt who was only a few years older than me. My parents required me to call her Aunt Amanda* even though she very much wanted me to just call her Amanda. My parents were unrelenting. They refused. I understand that they thought they were requiring me to show my aunt respect, but in fact they were showing a great amount of disrespect for my aunt by rejecting her name preferences and forcing me to call her a name that made her extremely uncomfortable.

Larkins has it exactly backwards. She thinks she is teaching her children to respect adults, but in fact she is teaching her children to disrespect people. I can only hope that her children someday realize, like I have, that true respect means respecting others’ name preferences (regardless of their age) rather than adhering to rigid and unbending rules.

*All names changed for privacy reasons.