Caitlin O’Rourke on Girl Altar Servers

I didn’t mean to throw the alarm clock at Cousin Chelsea and hit her on the head  I only meant to scare her but then it slipped out of my hand when I was pretending to throw it and I’m not lying I really didn’t mean to hurt her and I’m sorry she got a cut over her eye but she made me mad because she was teasing me because at her parish where she lives in California she is an altar server and we don’t have girl altar servers at St Bridget’s and I don’t mind because I don’t want to be one anyway and Cousin Chelsea who Aunt Margaret says is big for her age in more ways than one was saying that I was only pretending to not to want to be an altar server because I was jealous of her and I’m not and it’s not true and I really don’t want to be an altar server because Father Florsheim says it is for boys because boys might become priests one day and girls can’t be priests so why should they be altar servers and I said to Flora that Cousin Chelsea makes me so mad because she always comes for Christmas with Aunt Jules her real name is Julianna but she doesn’t like it because she’s a lawyer and  anyway whenever Cousin Chelsea comes to visit she teases me about something and last time she kept saying I loved Jimmy Pochowski which is also not true and then she always leaves early to go skiing with Leonard who is her father but she calls him Leonard because they’re divorced and I got mad at her because I was trying to explain why I didn’t want to be an altar server but it was hard because she said it was equal rights and Father Florsheim was a mail shovenist whatever that is but I think it means he doesn’t like girls which isn’t true because he is always very nice to me and Flora and I said that not only was altar serving for boys but I didn’t want to do all the dumb stuff boys do all the time anyway like who wants to be a boy and never wash and pick your nose and run around playing army and fighting all the time and anyway why is it always that the girls have to do all the boy stuff but the boys never want to do the girl stuff  like you never hear of boys who want to join the girls scouts do you so if you always want to do the boy stuff then that means you think they are better than you which they are not except at some things then Chelsea said girls should have choice and I said it was stupid to have the choice to do something wrong and why should I choose to do something I didn’t want to do anyway and then I said that when I see Jimmy and the other boys up there being altar servers it makes me feel more like a girl too and I like that and if I was up there with them I wouldn’t feel so much like a girl and then she said that was dumb and that I was in love with Jimmy Pochowski and I should just admit it and she said it in that stupid grown up way she has even though she’s only eleven and she pretended like I was her little sister and she started to talking to me like she was the school nurse or something about what boys and girls do and kissing and other stuff that Jules told her about so then I blushed and she laughed at me and said it was true I really did love Jimmy Pochowski so I got mad and threw the alarm clock at her and I’m sorry she was hurt at least I wish I was sorry that she was hurt and when  I had to go to my room I took my mom’s phone and called Aunt Margaret and she told me not to listen to Chelsea or Aunt Jules because they were just poor ignorant feminists who had more between their shoulders than on their shoulders I don’t know what that means but it made me laugh and Aunt Margaret always makes me feel better then she promised to come over and take me and Flora out for ice cream on Tuesday.

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