The following is from the Preface to my recently-released book Learning to Float, with Michelle Collins. I think you’ll enjoy it. Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so. Are you sure? What happens if you don’t love him back? I’m good. I go to Church. I read my Bible (sometimes). I got baptized. But you also watched porn today. And yesterday. And the day before that. Yeah, but every Christian’s a sinner. I’m fine. I’ve... Read more
I was raised Evangelical. Bible Studies. Retreats in the woods. Worship team practices. Potlucks. The whole nine. I knew the faith. I knew what I had to believe in order to be right with God. And I stayed true to the path as best I could. But here’s the God’s honest truth. It was basically all a lie. Since leaving the church over 10 years ago, it has become the very thing it preached against for all those years. It... Read more
One of my life’s passions is gardening. Though it is just a hobby, I take it very seriously. When my plants are healthy, I am happy. As the old saying goes, “Happy plant, happy Matt.” Currently, I manage two gardens: one at my home in Chico, Ca and another at my best friend’s in Paradise. Because the latter property is huge – around an acre in size – the garden, too, is massive. And on top of that, we have... Read more
Carmel, IN – Former Vice President Mike Pence has decided he is going to run for the GOP nomination for President in hopes of becoming the 47th President of the United States of America. After pandering to the 45th President for over four years, which ended in his followers chanting “hang Mike Pence,” he has decided his best course of action is to again cozy up to the same Christo-fascists who called for his head during the January 6th riots.... Read more
Austin, TX – Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton, a Republican, recently came under fire for suggesting that he would look into enforcing so-called “sodomy laws,” which have historically been used to criminalize same-sex intercourse. “Yeah, look, my job is to defend state law, and I’ll continue to do that,” Paxton said. “That is my job under the Constitution, and I’m certainly willing and able to do that.” In the past two days, however, Paxton has changed his tune after a... Read more
Rabba, Jordan – A team of archaeologists from The University of Jordan have recently made a discovery that will forever change how we think of politics in the first century. Being dubbed “The Wadi al-Mujib Scroll,” it details some of the political ideas of a group of early followers of Jesus, highlighting a schism that caused a split not mentioned in the New Testament or other Christian writings. “This is an incredible breakthrough,” said Dr. Adnan Al-Shayyab. “We had no... Read more
Silt, CO – The pro-life movement secured a decade’s long victory this past week after the Supreme Court overturned Roe v. Wade. Now, conservative House members are introducing a bill that would take things one step further by making it illegal to masturbate all the way to orgasm. “We have to use this recent momentum to make America even greater, ” said Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert during a recent interview on Newsmax. “Reversing Roe was the first step, and now... Read more
Emeryville, CA – Disney’s Pixar is again in the news, this time for featuring a “gay kiss” in their latest film, Lightyear. While some on the Left are praising the company’s decision to acknowledge that gay people actually exist, many on the Right are up in arms. “It’s disgusting,” said conservative preacher, Rev. Clint Dickman. “These leftist elites keep shoving this stuff down our throats and we have to sit there and take it. It makes me want to gag,... Read more
New York, NY – Just days after a group of white supremacist incels were arrested in Idaho for planning to riot during a Pride Parade, a group of New York sex workers have come up with a plan to “stop the next mass shooting before it happens.” Charmingly dubbed “F*ck An Incel,” the group plans to tackle gun violence with a two-pronged approach. “We have all noticed a pattern in this country,” said Eva Vazquez, a successful Brooklyn-based sex worker.... Read more
I hate the doctrine of eternal conscious torment. I won’t apologize for that. As a child, it tormented me with persistent nightmares, existential angst, and what I can only imagine is a bit of C-PTSD. As a post-Evangelical, perhaps even post-Christian adult, I find the doctrine morally, philosophically, and metaphysically absurd. In this piece, I’d like to explain why. God As Moral Monster If eternal conscious torment exists, then there are basically two ways in which people end up in... Read more
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