Honoring what your spouse values (even if you disagree) is the core of what you have to talk about
But we can’t stop with sharing what is in our own mind. We have to share and honor what we think is in our spouse’s mind as well. This is the crucial step that moves money challenges from being an opportunity for conflict to being an opportunity for connection.
For example, when Jeff shared his bubbling resentment, he also dug deeper to try to recognize and appreciate what was behind my desire to handle money in a certain way (trips, eating out, movies). Here is what he said:
“I’ve always seen spending money as a net loss – dollars out the door. But I think you see it as an investment that will come back to us in better ways. Those times we took the kids bowling or when we went to Disney, you were creating memories and closeness as a family. And now we’re all stuck in quarantine on top of each other – and we like each other! I still might have spent money differently –like a picnic in the park instead of a restaurant night out – but I really appreciate that you were investing in our family.”
Suddenly, all my defenses lowered. All the negative feelings that used to make things spiral out of control when we talked about money were gone. Which made it so much easier for us to then lean into the tough conversation about embracing a strict financial austerity plan that would not only get us through a difficult financial season but also was also very personally important for Jeff.
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