Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sex?

Reason #2: We feel like our situation isn’t “normal.”

When Jeff and I speak at marriage events, worried couples often seek advice about problems in the bedroom. Although we do not address technical difficulties, we can wholeheartedly reassure them that they are not alone. In fact, almost all couples have at least one significant “issue” in the bedroom. You should see the lightbulbs go on! Hearing that many other couples struggle in the same way melts their fears and gives them courage to find a solution.

What to do: Shift your perspective of “normal” and instead focus on what works best for the two of you.

Here’s the short version of what we’ve shared with many couples at events: we have to realize that feeling like our sex life isn’t “normal” is normal! What gets us into trouble is when we retreat and become isolated. Then we spiral and falsely believe we’re the only couple on planet Earth having the issues we’re having, when in fact millions of people probably navigate the same issues we’re experiencing.

It will help to expand our view of “normal” and realize that the nuances of desire, frequency, and bedroom habits are unique to each couple. (Dr. Systma and I look into these in statistical detail in chapter 2 of Secrets of Sex & Marriage.)

Instead of worrying about what is normal, focus instead on communicating about your thoughts, feelings and what matters for each of you. This will allow you to build patterns that work best for the two of you.