Why Is It So Hard to Talk About Sex?

Reason #1:  It’s just so…  awkward.

Maybe you didn’t have good guidance about sex when you were growing up. I can’t tell you the number of people in our interviews who said something along the lines of, “My parents just avoided the entire subject.” If your family felt awkward talking about sex, it is not surprising that you would have some awkwardness talking about it too. Thankfully, as you’ll see below, that doesn’t have to be the end of the story.

Or maybe your family was able to talk about the topic just fine – but your experience of intimacy in your marriage really doesn’t line up with your expectations based on steamy movie scenes. So you conclude there’s something wrong with you or your spouse. And it just feels too vulnerable or embarrassing to bring up the topic.

What to do: Approach your spouse with curiosity – about them, not just about sex.

Remember when you were a kid and you had a playful, curious mindset as you looked at people and the world? What if you approached your spouse that way? Think about it as being curious about how your spouse thinks and feels, rather than about something that might feel a bit more embarrassing (like sexual practices).

Take Brad and Susan for example. What if the next morning (not in the bedroom) Susan were to ask Brad something like, “I felt like we hadn’t talked in a while and it surprised me when you wanted to connect. I’d love to hear what was in your mind – other than the obvious! What was the reason you wanted to be together?” Perhaps Dave could think about it and explain that sex, for him, makes him feel closer to Susan, and that closeness is what he was trying to create.

That relaxed and curious attitude will then truly help with the next step in communication, which is to talk about sex itself. A few tips:

• Put on your detective hat to discover what is pleasing to your spouse – including what may have changed over time. It is a direct way of saying, “I care about you.”
• Be curious about your partner’s body. Being respectfully curious during intimacy allows for more playful and satisfying sex. Plus, the intensely personal nature of sexual curiosity can also foster a sense of safety in the relationship.
• Push through the awkwardness and just talk about it in whatever way that you can. To the degree that you can begin to talk, you’ll feel more comfortable with the topic. It’s like building a skill: repetition helps.

One way to comfortably talk about sex and about your spouse’s thoughts and feelings is to read a book together on the topic. Dr. Sytsma and I designed and wrote Secrets of Sex & Marriage as a book a couple could comfortably read together. Consider even reading out loud to one another, and stopping regularly to ask things like, “Is this true of you?”

Using a book as a starting point is a fantastic, simple way to get you talking and sharing.