5 Reasons The Pill Sucks

C‘mon maaan, you’ve already made your big 5 Reasons Contraceptives Suck post! Now everyone knows you’re a good Catholic and we can all go on with our lives, right? Wrong. Firstly because it is a general principle that someone must see an advertisement six times before buying the product advertised (OK, admittedly, it has nothing to do with that, don’t expect four more posts). Secondly, and more truthfully, I have serious issues with The Pill. With most other contraceptives, individuals can be convinced of the reasonableness of the Church’s teachings by way of a good chuckle. Seriously, if someone mentions that they use the female condom in their marriage just chuckle like you’re in 6th grade. At some point, someone has to admit it’s ridiculous. But The Pill is a little sexier than that. So:

1. Makes it harder for women to find a good mate. I know, I know, pretty old-school terminology. A mate? You mean a committed sexual partner? Whatever. The issue here is that women on the birth-control pill lose the natural ability to pick out – actually to sniff out – a man with an immune system that compliments their own. In the wild and wonderful world of mating, you’re going to be naturally, chemically attracted to a man with an immune system unlike your own, because two varying adult immune systems have a good chance of creating one healthy, balanced little-baby-immune-system. To put it simply, women on The Pill end up unnaturally attracted to someone – biologically – like their brother. What’s the problem with this? If you come off the Pill – which so many contracepting couples do at some point in their relationship – you’re not likely to remain attracted to someone like your brother. And, if the goal at some point is to have children, you’re fertility is reduced. It’s the way nature works to keep the future generations healthy.

2. Screws with women’s natural desire for sex. This is just whack, as far as I can tell. And I know, I know, I’ve mentioned it before. But I only mention it again because I truly don’t mind being the guy who constantly stands up for women having better sex. So, Biology 101: A female most wants to have sex when she is ovulating. The Pill ends ovulation. A woman’s hormonal cycle flatlines, and guess what? That strong desire to have sex flatlines with it. Now whenever I write this, whether it be here or here,  I tend to get a bunch of dudes protesting. This always strikes me as odd – and perhaps even just a wee, tiny bit sexist. So, men, why don’t you ask your wife/committed sexual partner whether basic science applies to her, instead of just assuming she’s having the time of her life. And then there’s the fact that men are most attracted to women when they’re ovulating. (Spoiler Alert: This is not a coincidence.) It’s interesting to note that, given 80% of our fertility-aged women are on birth-control, it’s distinctly likely that there are men out there who have no idea what it’s like to really, really, naturally want to have sex.  More on that in a second.

With a little hindsight, the enthusiasm of the 60’s is amusing. Does that mean she’s going to have sex with all of them? Or is she saying, “I’m not as sexually excited as I used to be, so go away, I’m trying to tan.”

3. Devalues women. I apologize for moving into the philosophical, but it really does. It seems the more you know about a woman’s body, in all its gorgeous nature, the more you approach her with reverence. She is not a mere thing, she is a cycle, like the changing seasons. A woman’s uterus is the only place in the human body that cleans itself, washes itself, restores itself. A woman is not something you can take for granted; she is change, birth and rebirth. There’s a reason we say ‘Mother Earth’ and not Father; it’s because no Father is a moving isochronism. There’s a reason why the Greek goddesses are held in such splendor; they are in splendid motion. For all the bitter and necessarily depressed jokes men make about PMS and mood swings, there’s a truth behind them; that, on an entirely biological, chemical and natural level woman is the inconstant constant, a secret to be deciphered. To marry her, to love her and to know her is to understand – not just a singular personality – but a journey and a story. In comes The Pill. You might as well be dating another guy, for all the work you have to put into it. Woman is something you can have sex with ALL THE TIME OMG, and never worry about children. Forget the cycle, forget the journey; you’ve got her down to a ‘t’. The Pill is a device created for the purpose of making women easier to handle.

4. Attacks guys. This is a consequence that doesn’t get talked about as often, but is undeniably scary. Mostly because I’m a guy and I’m projecting. But seriously, imagine you’re a guy, with the natural inclination to mate, surrounded by women with whom you are not – chemically, biologically – inclined to mate with. I mean, we saw what that did with the monkeys, remember? The increase in confusion, violence, masturbation and homosexual behavior? All well and fine, a cute experiment, right? It’s what your average, American, teenage boy is growing up with! The truth is we don’t know exactly what it’s doing to the modern man, but it certainly isn’t something we can conveniently gloss over. We would never look at a chemical that causes cancer in monkeys and say, “Oh, but this couldn’t happen to us! We like this chemical!” But no one seems to be worrying about The pill’s affect on men. I am willing to bet my life that the rise in pornography-use/masturbation in adult men does not mirror the rise in hormonal contraceptive use by some strange and coincidental accident. On the plus side, it makes women less attracted to manly men. So that’s cute.

5. Turns guy fish into guy/girl fish. It works like this: Woman takes pill. Woman urinates. Pill goes in water. Fish is in water. Fish gets a hit of estrogen. Fish gets deformed. OK, moment of honesty. I don’t care about the fish, as long as they are still tasty. I care about human beings. What’s happening when we  bathe our children, when we drink from water fountains? Not to be to much of an APOCALYPSE IS COMING person, and not to pretend that I’m a science major, but drinking estrogen-tainted water can’t be good for you. So.

I’m off to go wash me some dishes with this awesome, industrial-sized sprayer and a dish-machine twice the size of my dorm. You think I’m kidding, but it’s the best job ever. Bye!