On Second Thought: Episode 4

Trust me, it’s crazy to see your life on television. That’s why every week, I’m going to do a blog posts called “On Second Thought.” These posts are where I will go over the episodes of my Lifetime show as I process the issues presented now that I’ve seen them aired. I hope you’ll join me for these weekly posts – which will undoubtedly be part-confession, part-explanation, and part-celebration of my life right now!

Original Airdate: June 26, 2012

Fatherhood.

Just the word causes a little pang in my heart.

When I was skating with Tripp at the hockey rink in Episode 4, I said, “All men are dogs.” On second thought, I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not true in life generally and it’s not even true in my life specifically. I have my dad, who’s one of the best people on the planet. He can win the Iron Dog, braid Piper’s hair, catch salmon, teach me a life lesson, and make sure our truck engines don’t freeze overnight in the winter months. Then, there’s Track, my brother who’s tormented his little sisters my entire life… and is still tormenting me as I wait for him to return from Afghanistan! Of course, I also have my grandfathers who have held together our family with their character and strength.

I guess as I stood there trying to skate with Tripp, I was simply frustrated. I never thought I’d be the one teaching Tripp to skate. I always envisioned having a husband helping our son strap on the skates and glide over the ice.

And so, there’s a hole. In my family. In Tripp’s life. In my heart.

Talking to Andy while we were stacking firewood was really poignant. “I’ve seen my dad twice. Once at a golf course and once after I turned 18,” he said. “I’m fine. I’m the person I am today, because my mom taught me everything. My dad is just a name on a birth certificate to me.”

Of course, I think Andy’s great and his mom obviously did a great job. However, I know it’s not God’s perfect plan for boys to be raised without dads… especially when the father lives down the street. That’s why I said, in a previous episode, that I’d failed as a mom. That’s why it hurts my heart so much to be in this situation.

As we drove to Anchorage, I was so nervous. I didn’t want Tripp to be let down if Levi didn’t show. Of course, if you saw the show you know Levi didn’t manage to make it. Instead, I got an angry phone call from his girlfriend.

I never thought my life would be this way. However, I’m thankful for all of the blessings that we have. I’m thankful for all the wonderful men in my family and in my life. Especially Tripp, who was really thankful I let him eat that icing right out of the can when we were baking.

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