SATIRE

It’s not everyday a modern pope makes such a bold statement on something as simple as a drink. But it appears Benedict XVI has felt the spiritual calling to set the record straight. The Pope Emeritus has come out of retirement and assumed the papal chair while reading a letter of exhortation titled, “Capulus est Vita,” which translates in English, “COFFEE IS LIFE.”

A Vatican spokesperson states, “Papal infallibility is like that really amazing tool you’ve bought from the hardware store that was on sale for a screaming deal years ago, but you stored it somewhere and completely forgot about it. But then years later, a situation arises and you realize, ‘HEY! I’ve got this really cool tool I’ve had all this time and never used it! I should try it out and see how well it works!'”

When a Pope exercises infallibility in matters of teaching doctrine and morality, he speaks ex cathedra — which means he makes an official declaration from the apostolic seat of St. Peter. So far, there has only been one moment in history when a Pope has invoked infallibility, which would have been when Pope Pius XII defined the Assumption of the Virgin Mary as official Catholic dogma in 1950. It appears Benny loves his coffee so much that he has decided to put the underutilized invocation to good use and end the longstanding controversy surrounding the life-sustaining beverage.

From the chair, Benedict XVI states while reading Capulus est Vita, “We live in a post-truth era where nothing is what it seems. The world wants all the pleasures of sexual intercourse without the miraculous gift of life that comes with it. And now they want to make a counterfeit life-giving beverage that tastes watered down and gives no life to sustain our consciousness. Just as we drew a line when it came to contraception, we draw a hard line when it comes to contraceptive coffee!”

Benny’s strong words from Capulus est Vita have invoked strong reactions and division among Catholics and non-Catholics alike. Several protestors were gathered in the middle of St. Peter’s Square within the Vatican City holding up signs and chanting, “My coffee, my choice!”

Benedict XVI continues, “It is just as our Lord Jesus stated in the Gospel of John, ‘Unless you eat my flesh and drink my blood, you have no life within you.’ Should anyone drink from the cup of falsehood, they shall not have any life within them.”

In the question of drinking decaffeinated coffee in the case of personal health complications, Benedict states, “It is better to refrain than to partake in iniquity, though our Lord is merciful and understands our longing to taste the heavenly beans in the midst of our suffering. In cases such as these, an exception is admissible.”

After taking a sip from his own cup, Benedict closes his exhortation with this final statement, “If anyone saith that they drink decaffeinated coffee, except for those who cannot consume caffeine due to imminent suffering, let them be ANATHEMA!”