***SATIRE***

In a bold move, modern scholars have decided to update the language in the American English translations of the Holy Bible. After U.S. Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver ended the opening prayer with ‘Amen and A-woman,’ an entire theological can of worms was opened up that nobody saw coming.

In the wake of the controversy, an outspoken atheist critic weighed in on Twitter, “What kind of a loving sky-daddy only gives one flavor of manna? Torturing people with feeding them the same freaking food every day is immoral! Checkmate, Christians!” With a drop of an imaginary microphone, the groundbreaking comment shook the very foundations of Christianity’s 2000-year history/herstory. This motivated pastors theologians and scholars to hone their bible interpretation skills and come up with a more modern and progressive bible translation.

“God’s love is impartial,” says Dr. Dan Fibb of ForeWord Seminary, “therefore why would God create just one gender of food to fall from Heaven? I mean, it’s kind of misogynistic.”

The new progressive bible translation contains an additional passage in the 16th chapter of Exodus between verses 12 and 13. It reads, “‘I have heard your grumbling, O Israel. It is not good for manna to be alone. I will make a suitable companion.’ And so the Lord caused the manna to fall from Heaven to the ground, broke off a piece as it lay and it called it ‘womanna’ — for it had come out of manna.”

“See, womanna would have been pink in color and had a more sweet taste in comparison to plain, old manna,” claimed Fibb. “Some might argue that it probably tasted like cotton candy or unicorn feces. The spectrum of Heavenly food is something to consider when we reflect on God’s divine and diverse nature as revealed in the bible!”

“What do you mean womanna was pink and had a sweet taste?!” reacted seminary student Heather Bothersome. “Stop trying to put femininity in a box! Read the original Shebrew womanuscripts, you ignorant heathens!”

As it turns out, even after the newly modernized and inclusive bible translation was published, the scholars and translators came under heavy scrutiny after being heckled by progressives that the new translation accidentally implied that there are only two genders. In light of this controversy, ForeWord Seminary announced plans to update the American English translation of the Holy Scriptures, starting with the New Testament description of the Trinity being addressed as, “In the name of the Parent, and of the Child, and of the Holy Essence.”