Gloomy Glenn Beck and Talking to God, Self-Declared Prophet Glenn Beck made a simultaneous appearance on his show on Wednesday as he reacted to the shooting of a couple television anchors in Virginia by a former reporter for the same station. God told him that this is the last warning he’s going to give us before…well, something. And Beck knows that the end is near because he’s now reading from the Bible on the air.
As everyone knows by now, the stock market took a huge dive on Friday and Monday, though it rebounded some on Tuesday. It’s being blamed on the economy of China being in the tank and most analysts are saying relax, it’s not that big a deal, we aren’t in for some huge economic crash. But for the paranoid far right, of course, it’s proof that God is punishing us, a harbinger of the end of the world, you know the drill. Glenn Beck, you’re up:
Of all the various sides to his personality he likes to show, it’s hyper-emotional, sentiment-soaked Glenn Beck that makes me laugh the hardest. He gets all weepy-eyed over some bit of pop culture schlock and declares that if only everyone would see this, we’d all join hands and sing in perfect harmony forever. The latest object of his teary obsession is a Broadway play called Amazing Grace that left ol’ Glenn quivering with boundless love.
It always cracks me up when Glenn Beck claims, as he seems to do every few weeks, that everything he has warned everyone about for the last decade is now coming true. Of course, it’s really easy to have a flawless record of accuracy when your “prophecies” amount to “mark my words, bad things are going to happen.” Yeah, no shit — bad things happen. A lot. Everywhere. So here we go again:
Glenn Beck took a month off from his show due to exhaustion, but he’s back now and one of his first orders of business was to bring his buddy David Barton on the show to spout more nonsense about the government and Christianity. He said the entire Bill of Rights is based on the Bible.
The multinational agreement to keep Iran from creating nuclear weapons has Glenn Beck frothing at the mouth, once again declaring himself to be a prophet and throwing out ridiculous predictions about a new holocaust. And he shows that he has no idea who is who in the Middle East.
There were rumors of a shooter at the Washington Navy Yard on Thursday morning, but turns out there was no shooter and nothing had actually happened. That did not stop Glenn Beck from spinning a harrowing tale of Muslim terrorists and Obama taking away our guns, even while admitting he had no information at all.
Glenn Beck has generally been opposed to boycotts, even by conservative groups, but he’s now rethinking that position because Disney is going to make a movie about Charles Darwin’s voyage on the Beagle. Apparently that’s the last straw for him, for some weird reason.
The amusing and inane reactions to Friday’s marriage ruling are coming in like the firebombing of Dresden. I think my favorite so far might be from Glenn Beck, who absurdly told his audience that the ruling could lead to the government shutting down his show because he’s in favor of “traditional marriage.”
Glenn Beck has an idea that I’m sure he thinks is pure genius. He knows how to stick it to those evil gay people and stand up for free speech and he’s encouraging his followers to go to black-owned bakeries and ask them to make a cake with a Confederate flag on it — then sue them if they refuse.
Gloomy Glenn Beck has returned and that means we’re all going to die. The Dark One has come to harvest our souls and Obama the Terrible is going to begin to close his iron fist around the Christians, round them up and kill them. And don’t worry, he’s totally not exaggerating.
Glenn Beck is agitated that the Supreme Court ruled recently that the executive branch has the authority to determine whether someone can list Jerusalem on their passport or not. He says this breaks our covenant with God and he’s now going to punish us.
Dispatches From the Culture Wars
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