Fundigelical Advice for Women with Higher Sex Drives

When looking at posts by patriarchal blogger Lori Alexander—in which she berates women for not joyfully hopping in bed every time their husbands so much as incline a finger—I’ve often wondered whether Lori is aware that sometimes women have higher sex drives than men—or that women have sex drives at all. I finally found an answer to my question. In one post, she referenced such relationships and linked to an old post on her former blog platform titled Women Who Have Higher Sex Drives.

Several women have asked me about a situation where they have higher sex drives than their husbands. Since I have never experienced this, I wasn’t sure how to mentor them. Thejoyfilledwife had this problem in her marriage and gave a wonderful comment on one of my posts. So if any of you struggle with this issue, this should be able to help you.

Honestly, I have gotten the feeling from Lori’s posts that she does not know that women even have sex drives—consider the way she talks about women “giving” their boyfriends sex and then “selfishly” withholding sex within marriage, as though there is no reason a woman might ever want to have sex. So it’s handy for her, when someone started raising questions she may intuitively see as impossible, that someone left a comment on her blog that she was able to post rather than grabbling with the question herself.

Just what does The Joy Filled Wife say about this issue? (Bear in mind that The Joy Filled Wife is responding not to Lori, but to the person commenting on Lori’s blog with her question; in other words, any time The Joy Filled Wife says “you” she’s referring to the other commenter, not to Lori.)

If there’s anyone on this board who can relate to the subject you’re asking about, it’s me. To put it plainly, I have an unusually high sex drive for a woman. My husband is a bit older than I am, and he has a naturally high sex drive as well, but I am even higher than he is. Maybe twice over. And this is not a result of exposure to anything or a byproduct of promiscuity.

Wait, what? A byproduct of promiscuity?

I was a virgin when we married and was not exposed to all of the garbage that most people are growing up with. It’s just the way I’m wired.

Phew. She admits that you can just be wired this way.

This leads me to a question, though. If promiscuity results in women having a high sex drive, and men as an almost absolute have high sex drives and want sex all the time, couldn’t you make the argument that women will be better, more responsive wives if they dabble in some promiscuity, on the sly like, before marriage? After all, Lori says women better fake it even if they aren’t feeling it—wouldn’t it be easier for all involved if they were feeling it? In other words, if promiscuity before marriage makes one all responsive in marriage—while most women are cold fish—might promiscuity before marriage make you a better wife?

It’s a question worth asking.

Although it’s worth noting that no, it does not work this way. 

Anyway, back to The Joy Filled Wife:

To add to it all, my husband is most desirous in the early morning and I’m most tired at that time, especially if I’ve been up several times that night with our little one and their night terrors. I do best in the afternoon and especially evening. He is usually busy in the afternoon and is very tired by nighttime. Our energy and desire levels are almost never matching at the same time, but that’s usually the case in marriages.

This is the kind of thing that merits a conversation. I know my own husband and I have sometimes changed certain practices—making a no cell phones in bed rule, or moving the time we get in bed up—to accommodate our love life. But that requires communicating about these things. It also requires both of us listening to each other and each taking the others’ needs and desires seriously.

As you probably know, my husband had a former porn addiction. He also was very promiscuous prior to becoming a believer. Once he was saved, he was not with anyone sexually until our wedding night, but his porn addiction was growing behind the scenes.

The Joy Filled Wife eventually explains that once her husband kicks his porn addiction, he ends up with a sex drive as high as hers, and all the problems go away. I have a problem with this portrayal because it seems to suggest that if your sex drive is higher than your husband’s, there is a problem with your husband. This is not always the case. Not every man is wired identically.

If you teach women to think that men are horny lust-monsters, and they marry a man who isn’t, they will think that something must be wrong with them—or with their husband. This is not healthy.

You can imagine how hard it was for me having to deal with his lack of interest in sex, especially being that I already had a higher sex drive than him. When you desire intimacy twice a day and are denied sexually for up to a month at a time…to say that it was hard to deal with would be an understatement. In order to cope with this, while at the same time trying to “win him without a word”…every night, after my husband fell asleep, I would work out hard in the next room to release as much of that energy as possible. Then I would spend hours in the Word and prayer so that I would not fall into temptation.

Is it just me, or does “fall into temptation” read like “masturbate”? I’m going to go out on a limb here and guess that Lori and her followers are likely completely and totally against masturbation. I don’t think this is that shaky of a limb, either, given that far-more-mainstream Josh Harris argued that masturbating even within marriage was cheating on your spouse. Look, masturbation is not a replacement for sex, but it can be super handy when one partner is horny and the other is exhausted or otherwise not into it.

The Joy Filled Wife never mentions the possibility of masturbating (except perhaps with her reference to “temptation”). Instead, she says she would go into the other room and work out hard—she later specifies that she would do cardio—to “release as much of that energy as possible.” She earlier said her husband was most interested in sex in the morning, when she was most tired, so this seems counterproductive—wouldn’t staying up late exercising while her husband sleeps contribute to her early-morning exhaustion?

The Joy Filled wife finishes by giving a series of suggestions:

1. My first question is how often are you and your husband having sex? Every man’s sex drive is different and I don’t think I’ve ever come across a married couple whose sex drive was identical. Some men like to have sex every day, some a few times a week, some once a week. If a husband is going longer than that without wanting it {and provided he’s not getting up there in years}, then there may be something up. Are you asking him for it and he’s refusing? Or are you not asking him for it, but he’s only initiating infrequently?

Oddly, this suggestion seems to be an acknowledgement of a lack of communication. If your husband is going for weeks without initiating sex, her question is whether he knows you’ve wanted sex—whether you’ve tried initiating it. Whether you’ve told him you’re interested. There’s an inconsistency between this and Lori’s teachings, though, in that men—Lori seems to suggest—will be horny and interested no matter what. In fact, I suspect Lori wouldn’t be as nice as The Joy Filled Wife is being here—she might ask whether you’ve done anything, even unintentionally, to make your husband afraid to approach you for sex.

2. Secondly, there is a myriad of reasons that a husband may not be wanting sex very often. You [the initial commenter] named many of them, such as porn use, medical issue, E.D., and the like. Some of the biggest contributors are stress, depression, or tension in the relationship, such as a husband feeling very disrespected by his wife. He may not even say that he feels disrespected, and some men don’t even pinpoint it, but it can make them feel a lack of desire toward her. Could this be the case in your marriage? We should always examine our hearts and be willing to ask our husbands if we could be treating them better and how.

…such as a husband feeling very disrespected by his wife…

Lovely.

If your husband isn’t into you, The Joy Filled Wife says, you need to ask whether it’s your fault because you’ve been a bad wife. Certainly, conflict in a marriage can create problems for a couple’s love life, but that’s not really what we’re talking about here. The Joy Filled Wife does not ask “are there conflicts in your marriage?” or suggest marriage counseling. She says “does he feel disrespected by you” and suggests asking your husband if you can treat them better, and how.

Also, as sensitive a subject as it may be, I also encourage wives to make sure they are taking care of themselves. Shower, dress up a little nicer, do your hair, and put on a little makeup before your husband comes home from work. If you haven’t been taking care of your body by eating right and exercising, start doing that daily. Most husbands don’t care if their wives don’t look like supermodels. They just want to know that they are trying their best to be attractive to them. This, coupled with being more flirtatious, respectful, and fun, will usually go a long way.

Look, I’m all for spicing things up! But being all flirty and dressing special because you want more sex than you’re getting and can’t figure out any way to get it feels problematic to me—at least, combined with the lack of any suggestion of actual communication. Especially when, if you’re not getting the intimacy you want, you won’t necessarily know the reason for this unless you actually bring it up and talk about it.

Spicing things up when your husband hasn’t been interested in intimacy because he’s going through a really stressful situation at work and coming home exhausted and interested in nothing but bed isn’t going to help anything. In fact, it might make him feel even worse. You have to communicate about things like this.

3. If your husband is a believer and he is denying you intimacy, appeal to him from a Biblical perspective in a respectful way. If he is not a believer, appeal to him as your husband. Tell him your desires and need for closeness. Use descriptive words to let him know how much you want to be close to him. Say it respectfully and tell him how hard it is for you when you aren’t regularly intimate … that you don’t want to have a wandering mind and desire that all of your affections and desires be aimed at, and fulfilled, by him alone. Make sure you are respectful in your delivery because, sometimes, men have physical issues that they are embarrassed about and they are too ashamed to articulate them.

This is the closest to actually good advice in this entire post. All the being “respectful” that’s peppered in, though, makes me feel like women in these relationships must be constantly on pins and needles in how they can approach their husbands. Also, if a couple has a good, healthy relationship, each partner should be able to talk to each other about things they are ashamed of. Sure, it’s not always easy. But in a strong relationship, you know your partner has your back. This whole hiding things and feeling shame within marriage suggests to me that these marriages aren’t on the best footing.

And again, there’s no mention of something like marital counseling. Of course, maybe that’s a good thing, since any mention of counseling would likely be accompanied by insistence on a Christian marriage counselor, and the advice these individuals give can sometimes be pretty terrible.

4. If your husband is not a believer and refuses to have sex with you …

What if he is a believer and refuses to listen to you?

… along with all of my suggestions above, I am going to recommend that you develop some of the habits that I did when my husband denied me regularly. When you are feeling sad or rejected, go into the other room and workout hard. Do cardio and strength training. Get your body moving and expel energy. This can do a world of good for your mood and for releasing what is built up. Secondly, and most importantly, pray, pray, pray, and spend time in the Word. Seek the Lord’s help … ask Him to draw near to you, to fill the void you feel, and to help you become more like Christ. Pray for your husband’s salvation.

Maybe the fear here isn’t just falling prey to masturbation, but also the possibility of cheating? In The Joy Filled Woman’s post, there seems to be a lot of acknowledgement that women have sexual needs too, something Lori often seems to completely deny—or at least be unaware of—in her posts.

There is not a one-size-fits-all answer for every scenario, but my final recommendation will help, no matter the reasons for the disconnect. Please know that I truly know how it feels. I cried myself to sleep many nights as I dealt with this same void in my relationship with my husband. Praise be to God, He is able to heal! Once my husband began to overcome his addiction, things completely turned around in this area. Now, just as I had been an example to him by never refusing him, he now will often ask me if I need him intimately at that moment, even though I can tell he is extremely tired. We reap what we sow, dear sister. Don’t lose hope. God is truly able to heal even the most neglected marriages.

I told you this was coming. Her husband couldn’t possibly be simply wired to have a lower sex drive. I feel for men who actually have lower sex drives and are married to women reading Lori’s blog—with their wives reading things like this, these poor men are going to be constantly suspected of porn addiction, even if they just naturally have lower sex drives than other men. Meanwhile, other women will become convinced that they simply aren’t attractive, or that there’s something wrong with them.

Is simply talking it through really so hard?

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