by Suzanne Titkemeyer
Trigger warning for disgustingly male-centric ideas on sex and likely not very safe for work reading..
Larry Solomon of Biblical Gender Roles has finally published his rules for seducing your husband and they are just as vomit-inducing as you could imagine. We’re going to be looking at them in one very long post instead of a few lines here and there. It’s not enough to be sexually available twenty four hours a day or to have any sort of issues that preclude sex. You must also be a sex kitten seductress too.
Seduction Principle #1 – Ravish him with your desire for him
Seduction starts with desire. You can’t seduce a man to whom you show no desire. Think about it another way from your perspective as a woman. If you are like 99 percent of women you want your husband to sit down and talk with you. If your husband sits down to talk and acts like he really does not want to but he has too (sic) is that satisfying for you? Of course, it is not. In the same way as a wife you need to cultivate a sexual desire for your husband.
Whoa, whoa, wait a cotton picking minute here buddy! So even if he’s acting like interacting with you is a chore as odious as cleaning the litter box or taking out last week’s reeking trash you have to develop an inner horny-ness for him? Here’s the thing, sexual desire is not something that you can just summon up out of the air whenever you think you should. That desire or attraction is either there organically or not. Plus being treated like an annoying child tends to dump cold water on any desire you might feel for your husband. Larry orders you to develop desire but never explains just how you are supposed to accomplish that.
Seduction Principle #2 – Ravish him with your eyes
Are you one of those women that says to your husband when he gives you “the look” – “I know that look and you aren’t getting any today!” Or do you flirt back with your eyes? Would you even consider starting the flirting with your eyes? This is what is called for as part of seducing and ravishing your husband.
You could be at a friend or family members house. You could be sitting in some boring school meeting for your kids. You could be in line at the grocery store together. All it takes is a look to stoke the fire and ravish your husband’s heart!
Flirting with your eyes? So are we back in middle school now? Notice that everything Larry is advising does not involve the husband doing anything at all, it’s all one way action from the wife to the husband. Larry is not describing a marriage, he’s describing a fantasy out of pornographic film. This is not how most marriages work!
You might have times when you do that, but not all the time every day. Unless you are Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar, or an actress in a film.
Seduction Principle #3 – Ravish him with your lips and your tongue
Do not underestimate the powerful effect that your kisses can have on your husband. Kissing is a powerful teasing mechanism to seduce your husband and it is also an essential part of the sexual act itself. I have heard of women who rarely if ever kiss their husbands except to give him a kiss on the cheek. And how unnatural and unloving is it that a couple could have sexual relations and never kiss in this most intimate way the entire time? Yet this happens far too often in many Christian bedrooms. The Song of Solomon shows us that Christian women are to be letting their husbands get some tongue action! Yep right there we see French kissing in the Bible.
You know, not everyone is into kissing, and that’s alright. It does not mean there’s anything wrong with the marriage or the partners. Just like stars there are countless ways that couples show affection. It isn’t a all or nothing proposition and that diversity is fine.
What isn’t fine is insisting that ‘French kissing’ (gawd I hate that term!) is in the Bible. Extrapolating again. The verse Larry is using can be parsed many different ways.
Maybe if someone was paying more attention to personal hygiene there might be more kissing. If someone rarely brushes their teeth and their breath smells like the dumpster behind the local Chinese restaurant in mid summer they’re not going to be getting much ‘French kissing’.
Great, now I gotta go barf.
Seduction Principle #4 – Ravish him with your body parts
The allusion here in Song of Solomon 2:9 is that of her husband looking through windows at her or looking threw a wood screen that had vines on it. He was basically peeping at his wife. And guess what? It is perfectly ok for a man to peep at his wife anytime he wishes!
I could have titled this section “Ravish him with your beauty” but that would not have driven home the point that needs to be made to women. Women tend to see a man’s physical attraction in holistic terms where men see women as a collection of parts. It is routine for men to say “she has nice breasts, but her rear end is not as great” or “she has great legs but she is flat chested”. Women have a harder time breaking down men in this way and this is probably one of the hardest things for women to understand about the male nature. In fact this idea of men breaking women down by their various body parts infuriates many women.
So if I would have said “Ravish him with your beauty” and you are a typical woman you are thinking wear nice dresses, slacks, blouses, do your makeup and and wear your hair nice and to you as a woman that makes sense. While your husband appreciates all those things you do – those are not things that will cause him to be ravished by you.
You want to ravish your husband with your beauty? When you are wearing that pretty blouse and slacks – randomly pull up your shirt and show him your breasts. Sometimes instead of wearing that dainty blouse and pants you should find a nice tight pair of jeans or shorts(if it is warm) and a tight fitting V-neck T-shirt that will accentuate your breasts and reveal a little cleavage and make sure you tease him with your cleavage. Tease him by “accidentally” dropping something in front of him and bend over in front of him in those tight jeans or shorts.
Want to transform that long tee shirt you wear to bed and around the house? It is easy – don’t wear underwear. Who will know but him and you? And surprise him by pulling it up to reveal what you have hidden from him.
There is more about stripping in front of your man and wearing Frederick’s of Hollywood type underwear and nighties. He follows this up with complaining about how Christian women dress like old ladies and should wear sexy clothing.
So let’s break this down to it’s disgusting core. Larry is totally cool with being a Peeping Tom (a crime in many places!) and he thinks men only view women as a collection of sexy-time physical parts. This guy needs to get a Real Doll and not be married to anyone! He wants a woman that flashes him, who does not mind if he discusses her body parts with other guys in locker room type sessions, and dress like a hooker. That is realistic (rolling eyes here!)
He’s much too immature and misogynistic to be married to a living, breathing woman. Larry exhibits that he does not understand or like women in the slightest, that they are a necessary evil for regular sex.
Seduction Principle #5 – Ravish him by tasting of his apple tree
In ancient middle eastern poetry, the apple tree was a euphemism for a man’s genitals. The image that the woman “sitting under his shadow” portrays is that of a man standing over top of his wife with his shadow over her and her down below him performing Fellatio (oral sex on a man). The Scriptures tell us she did this “with great delight” or in other words with enthusiasm and desire. What is the fruit of his tree? It is his semen. The woman says of her husband’s semen that it was “sweet to my taste”.
A lot of women are reluctant about performing fellatio on their husbands but the fact is that it is very difficult to seduce and ravish your husband without doing this. Most men do not even understand their own feelings about their desire for fellatio from their wives but they are there even if buried deeply for some. When a woman kneels before her husband and performs fellatio on him and completes the act this is a show of submission, acceptance and sacrifice toward him.
Is Larry talking to Vaughn Ohlman to come up with this load of codswallop? We already covered the apples analogy, but the apples represented virgin daughters. Now Larry is claiming that references to apples in the scripture are really about penises? Links or it’s completely made up! Scholars and regular guys have been speculating that much of the scriptures references dick. See Boners in the Bible.And fellatio will not happen in any marriage if there’s no personal hygiene going on with the husband. That is just a deal-breaker that makes me wonder about the personal repulsiveness of Larry if he’s trying to add blow jobs as a marital duty. Why isn’t he adding cunnilingus to the marriage requirements. Oh, because it requires something of a man’s efforts and we cannot have Larry putting out any effort to please his partner.
Whoops! I am wrong. Larry’s next point involves this very thing.
Seduction Principle #6 – Ravish him by inviting him to taste of your pomegranate
In the same way that the apple tree was a euphemism for a man’s genitals in ancient middle eastern erotic poems so too the pomegranate was one of the euphemisms for a woman’s genitals.
Many women think of Cunnilingus (oral sex on a woman) as something that is simply for their own pleasure. In other words, their husband is only doing it to please them and he gets little to nothing out of the act. But this could not be further from the truth in most cases. Because men are such physical beings they are often drawn to perform cunnilingus on their wives and this gives a man great pleasure to experience his wife’s body in this way. In the following passage the husband of the Song of Solomon expresses his desire to perform cunnilingus on his wife.
But notice that Larry is completely unconcerned about increasing his wife’s pleasure by oral sex. It’s all about his pleasure.
Seduction Principle #7 – Ravish him by opening yourself to him
If you have not figured out by now, the Song of Solomon is a very erotic book. It speaks of sexuality between a husband and wife in very free terms as God meant it to be. It has constant allusions to the bodily fluids that are exchanged between a man and woman. Again, here as in other passages throughout the Song of Solomon it compares a woman’s vaginal secretions to myrrh. Why are the woman’s hands literally dripping with her own vaginal secretions? It is because she was touching her own vagina moving the fluids in and out around her vulva.
This literally has the picture of a woman who is completely comfortable with her own body and she is opening herself to her beloved – spreading her legs and then using her fingers to open her vagina bringing its fluids out for her husband to see.
Larry just needs to come out and admit he wants to watch a woman masturbate. It’s pretty obvious yet again that all of his ideas about proper marital sex come straight out of expectations built out of his porn viewing habits. None of these things are bad to do or required to do during sex. What Larry fails to realize again is that his views on human sexuality might be different than others and that’s okay. Most of this stuff he is spewing isn’t even involving seduction at all.
Hang on, we’re almost done here.
Seduction Principle #8 – Ravish him with your voice
Do you know how to whisper sweet nothings in your husband’s ear? While a husband might like to hear a soft whispered “I love you” that is not what will ravish him. No – the sweet nothings that will ravish your husband is “I can’t wait to get home and do [fill in the blank] to you” or “I can’t wait to get home and you do [fill in the blank] to me”.
Look at the speech here from the woman of Song of Solomon toward her husband. She has literally told him that she loves to sit in the shade of his “apple tree” (his penis) and she take thought his fruit(semen) was sweet to her taste.
As we previously showed the woman of Song of Solomon literally invites her husband to “to drink of spiced wine of the juice of my pomegranate” (Song of Solomon 8:2). In addition to this she invites her husband to “blow upon my garden, that the spices thereof may flow out. Let my beloved come into his garden, and eat his pleasant fruits.” (Song of Solomon 4:16)
It’s not enough in Larry-world to dress provocatively, to give and receive oral sex or any of the other actions on his list. Now you have to talk dirty to him too. Not everyone is comfortable doing that, and it strikes me again Larry is putting pornography film requirements on everyone else.
I leave you with this:
As I said at the beginning of this article – For a woman, the difference between “slutty” and “sexy” is one word – Marriage.
The truth is that for most women reading this one of two things will be holding you back from following this guide based on the Song of Solomon. Those two things are Fear and Pride. You might be afraid to open yourself sexually to your husband in the ways I have described. You might have too much pride getting in the way and you may be telling yourself that the things I mentioned here are degrading to women.
What if the modern world has it all backwards? What if the world’s formula that “men must romance women first and earn sex from their women” is wrong? What if they are getting the cart before the horse? What if it is the woman that must ravish her husband’s heart first to cause him to have affection and passion towards her?
Put down the porn, Larry, put down the porn and learn what women are truly like. Develop some respect for your partner, empathy to her needs and love her. You might find you might just end up with the sex you keep trying to force her to have.
Great. Now I gotta go scrub my eyeballs, brain and fingers with bleach and take a pile of anti nausea meds. Up yours Larry for evoking this dirty look into your psyche.
Suzanne Titkemeyer is the admin at No Longer Quivering. She’s been out of the Quiverfull Evangelical world for nine years now and lives in the beautiful Piedmont section of Virginia with her retired husband and assorted creatures. She blogs at Every Breaking Wave and True Love Doesn’t Rape
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