No Divorce Ever or Satan Will Take Your Kids – Questioning the Pearls

No Divorce Ever or Satan Will Take Your Kids – Questioning the Pearls November 26, 2017

QuestioningthePearlsIn the past we’ve quoted this particular letter sent to Debi Pearl that she answered in 1999. The “friend” of a lady on the verge of divorcing her non-believer emotionally and financially abusive husband asks Debi if she should divorce him, stating that he refuses to provide food, transportation or pay for health care expenses.

Part of this feels like the ‘Prayer Gossip’ that is rife in Quiverfull – talking to others about the person with the problem under the guise of stating that you are going to get help for, or pray for them. Let’s be real here. People that do the Prayer Gossip thing are only going to talk and cluck over their problems without lifting a finger, taking some sort of sick joy in spreading your dilemma to others.

Here’s what that ‘Friend’ told Debi Pearl.



Cannot believe that she’s asking if this might be God wanting her friend to stay with an abusive husband. It’s clear that if even a few of things in this letter are true that her husband is abusive and no one, I repeat NO ONE should be enabling or tolerating abuse in their daily lives.

This is one of the worst outcomes of patriarchal religion. It encourages submission to weak petty dictator type of guys who gets increasingly controlling and abusive. The religion attracts men with awful tendencies and provides encouragement of abusive behaviors by taking scriptures out of context.

You might expect a pastors wife, or someone that claims to be a older woman teaching younger woman might advise someone to at the very least immediately remove their child and themselves from a situation of abuse. Not immediately start ranting that divorce is always wrong.

Staying in the abuse is how women end up murdered in their own homes. Violence escalates, verbal abusive today, moving into physical abuse and possible death.

Debi made the questionable choice of telling this friend that divorce allows Satan to ruin the relationship between the mother and children, giving no out ever for abuse.


Part of me is shocked that anyone might ever think that a spouse that is abusive and unrepentant should be given endless chances to change. Even if they show no inclination or need to change. Debi says in the unquoted part that a wife must submit so that God can change the man and that the witnessing of this joyful submission will keep the children safely under the protection of God.

Using the threat that you will lose the love of your children if you take them out of an abusive situation an into a healthy living situation is sick and twisted. Fear mongering at its most primal. There has to be a special place in hell for women who cause other women and children to be put in harms way.

Yesterday morning I learned from a college professor here in Costa Rica what the rate of spousal abuse and homicides of women by their partners are here and in many other very Catholic countries that are patriarchal in nature. Disturbingly high. She’s determined to put in place help and knowledge for women experiencing abuse at the hands of their parts. Part of that knowledge is helping those women walk out of their abuse without paying the ultimate price. No, being more submissive or keeping your children at risk for abuse does not figure into it.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Jennny

    That’s terrible. Anecdotally, I know, and have read about men who were alcoholics or drug addicts or burglars who have reformed and are now upstanding citizens with loving families. I can’t think of hearing of one man who formerly physically abused his wife and family, but changed and is now a sweet and wonderful husband through prayer, or any other means. Do others know men like that? As you say, there are, unfortunately men who are power-hungry, alpha-males, those with anger problems, which patriarchy both encourages and gives free rein to.

  • Almost a chimp

    The little girl is told by her father that her mother is hitting her when she spanks her.
    Words; how do they work again? She is bloody hitting her.

    It sounds to me that it wasn’t God blocking the divorce but the complainants Christian lawyer. Malpractice, methinks.

  • Tawreos

    This is one of those times when it is easier to be a christian than it is to be an atheist. All Debi has to do is offer some thoughts and prayers while an atheist would have to think about getting a moving truck and getting this lady and her daughter the hell out of there. How anyone can read this type of thing and say anything, but RUN! is beyond me.

  • Just be sweet and submissive while your husband abuses you. That will turn him around! And if you do leave him you will lose your child!

    These people are messed up!!!!!

  • Chiropter

    What a pitiful, weak God Debi has. He can’t (or won’t) stop husbands from being abusive and unfaithful, he won’t help an innocent child caught between two bad parents, and he can’t stop Satan from harming said innocent child when her parents divorce – even for biblically approved reasons.

    Remind me why I’m supposed to view this deity as all powerful, all loving, and worthy of worship? Because I don’t see it.

  • SAO

    I pity the poor kid. Her mother spanks her and the father calls is a beating, which it is. I sincerely hope the husband has some parents who can take the girl.

  • Almost a chimp

    That last part of Debi’s response about reaping what you sow. I take it there can be no complaints when the kids are big enough to turn the tables and beat the shit out of their abusive parents?

    Honestly, Debi is so toxic she has to carry anti-venom in case she bites her own tongue.

  • Almost a chimp

    I’m astounded that the mother is so delusional she thinks spanking and hitting are different things.
    My advice would be to get that kid away from ALL family and out of reach of the whole sodding cult. Adults have the right to fuck their own lives up as much as they want, but they have no right to drag their kids down with them.
    It’s at times like this that I wish people had to have a licence to have children, one which could be revoked in these circumstances. Raising kids should be an earned privilege, not a right.

  • guerillasurgeon

    They don’t change. Or at least they very rarely change. But I think I prefer they don’t change. So there’s pretty much no future in giving them chances.

  • Saraquill

    Life would be so different for Debi and her offspring if she left her turd of a spouse long ago.

  • SAO

    Yes, I kind of wondered if the husband is actually as bad as he is made out to be. If the wife is giving money to her church or to TV pastors, the husband might be cutting her off for a reason. I knew a family where there were serious fights, pre-divorce, over religious dogma. He didn’t want a penny of the money he earned to go to the crackpots she called her church. It took years for the divorce. Or maybe I’m just indulging in wishful thinking in hopes the child has some better option than a mother who beats her and a father who doesn’t care if she is adequately fed or not.

  • Iain Lovejoy

    Often, when Debi starts talking about what God does, you can see what bits of the Bible she is making nonsense of. This BS she is just making up.
    You can claim (rightly) that many Christian flavours tacitly or expressly support abusive patriarchy, but this lot have actually made patriarchy into their religion itself.

  • Samantha Vimes

    I’m hoping this is one of their completely made up situations. And if not, I’m not sure who should have custody. She claims the father is manipulating the daughter– but it *sounds* like the father is teaching his daughter to resist brainwashing by religion and stand up for her right not to be hit. As for the father not providing financially– does she mean he is withholding funds? Or, more likely, is he just unable to get a job, and they are talking about is as the sin of sloth rather than the struggle of a bad economy?
    I don’t approve of cheating, but is he *really* having affairs? Or is he talking with women friends, and to her, that is having an affair, because men can’t be around women (Pence rule and all that)?

    Basically, I can’t tell from the set up if he is being financially and emotionally abusive, or if he’s a down-on-his luck liberal guy trying to be a good dad and get to a point where her religion isn’t destroying their lives. Because the fundamentalist’s expectations of “right behavior” are so far out of whack with mainstream thought, and we are only getting the report filtered from the ultra-religious, I can’t be sure what is going on.

  • Almost a chimp

    If (and it’s a big if) the story is genuine, if the father cared about his daughter he’d be moving Heaven and Earth (no pun intended) to get custody of her through the courts. Even if he’s not in a position to have her himself he should be at least trying to get her moved to a place of safety.

    That said, the story is from 1999 so the girl will now be 25. It would be interesting to see what did happen in regards to her situation, even though the chances are better than good that she’s still in the cult, so probably struggling to cope with her own family now.
    Crap! I really hope Debi made it all up.

  • Julia Childress

    I would like to see where the Bible says that God hates divorce. If God hates divorce so much, why does he allow for it in both the Old and New Testaments? If it’s one of the things he hates most, why didn’t he just issue a commandment forbidding it, like you know, murder, stealing, coveting, and adultery?

  • otrame

    PLEASE don’t buy into the “alpha male” crap. They aren’t alpha anything. They are weak little men who think the only way to look strong is to be abusive. Even if there was such a thing as an “alpha” human male (spoiler: there isn’t), that is not what they would be like.

  • otrame

    I had a great aunt who believed absolutely that divorce was not an option. She also routinely helped women leave abusive husbands. She said that divorce was one thing, and getting away from an violent spouse was something else entirely. And mind you, she was born in 1919 and served in the army during WWII. In those days, finding a way to support yourself and your kids when you were a woman was not easy at all. She helped them get some training, helped them find jobs, made arrangements for babysitting kids, that sort of thing, all without benefit of an actual organization to help.

    Kind of proud of her, even if she did have a wonky idea about divorce. She always said she never married because she couldn’t get a divorce and many men don’t show their “true colors” until after a marriage. She was so sensible about some things and so ridiculous about others. I guess the means she was human.

  • lady_black

    If she has no money for food, how in the hell is she filing for divorce? I have the feeling that the reason her husband “hasn’t been served” is because she has not paid the fees for service yet. That is, if the entire story is not nonsense pulled from the nether regions of the Pearls.

  • “I’m astounded that the mother is so delusional she thinks spanking and hitting are different things.”

    I’m not. There are a lot of people — even atheists — who believe that spanking is not hitting. Me? I’m with you. Hitting is still hitting, no matter if you call it hitting, spanking, smacking, whoopin;… it’s all hitting, and it ain’t right.

    Plus I really don’t get the whole “I’mma teach you not to hit by hitting you” reasoning.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    Heya Jeff. Banned for violation of comment rules. That is all.

  • Beth Rose Gamble

    Debi Pearl is an idiot, the exact type of idiot who convinced me to stay with my ex way too long.
    The Satan who is ruining this wife’s daughter is the man she will not leave.
    Leaving the toxic, hopeless situation will also make her a better mother. She will be able to have patience, not cling to the lies she’s learned about “training” her daughter. And, her daughter will be better behaved when she’s not influenced by that actual devil of a “father.”

  • Mimc

    I actually don’t know a single person who regrets their divorce. I’m sure there are some out there but she is seriously cherry picking if she can only think of stories were people regret their divorce. I have two aunts that divorced abusive husbands and they are both it such better marriages now. And their children love them (though they are teenagers now so they are doing the typical teenage asserting of independence). Debi is full of crap.

  • Mimc

    Yeah it’s hard to tell from this letter which one is actually the abusive one since it’s clear the father doesn’t spank his daughter. It’s entirely possible the “won’t provide” charge is just him being in between jobs after a layoff or that his hours have been cut. Either way divorce is probably the right answer for this couple. As far as custody goes hopefully they get a good judge on that one.

  • Almost a chimp

    True story: I once heard a woman yell at her young (8/9-ish) son “How many fucking times have I got to fucking tell you not to fucking swear? I’m fucking sick of it, you foul-mouthed little bastard!”

  • I wonder where he learned it…

  • Almost a chimp

    Probably picked it up at school :-))