Men Do Not Want Children Because Women Are Selfish?

Men Do Not Want Children Because Women Are Selfish? March 7, 2019
Screencap from YouTube. Meme made at imgflip.com

Lori Alexander of The Transformed Wife continues on her crusade of blaming women for everything short of the Lindberg baby kidnapping and the murder of Abraham Lincoln. Now she’s claiming that the reason most men do not want more children is because their wives selfishly insist on him being part of the child’s day to day care and that he might just have to wait his turn for affection from the wife.

Here’s what I want to know. Where on earth is Lori finding such incredible immature, easily-threatened, thin-skinned baby men?

I cannot believe we’re having to talk about this yet again,but here it is. Men are grown ups. Grown. Ups. Hopefully being a grown up adult means that they understand when a baby or small child must take priority over their needs. Babies and small children have a limited ability to care for themselves, meet needs and have very imperfect control. So who needs to be the priority here? The grown ass man or the small helpless babe in arms?

If your man is so insecure that his emotions and self worth can be significantly affected negativity by your care of his child he is too immature for marriage.

On to Lori’s second point, that you should never require your husband to help around the house or with childcare. Again, why are men considered too fragile to help out? Parenting is a two person job. I’m not saying a man needs to come home from his job and cook, do the dishes, clean and everything else, but he does live in the house and sometimes that means doing the unfun things because someone is sick, or busy, or that’s just how it worked out.

What Lori is advocating here is basically a man who does not interact very much with his family. He sits in his chair drinking his Holy Spirit beer and gets waited on. He is not a genuine member of the family, more like a mascot or a sacred idol.

The third point being that it is on the stay at home mother only to discipline the children so that they do not annoy daddy is just another version of dad is a weird visitor here, not a full member of the family. Good effective discipline only happens when both parents agree on a method and work together. It’s not one-sided.

It’s almost like a man has zero control in his own home. Zero say. Zero responsibility. He just shows up like a walking sperm donor who pays the bills that they all have to tiptoe around. How Godly.

Pat him on his head and bring him whatever the Evangelical version of a pipe, slippers and a martini are and coddle him.


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About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 32 years. You can read more about the author here.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • French Pandora

    “the reason most men do not want more children is because their wives selfishly insist on him being part of the child’s day to day care and that he might just have to wait his turn for affection from the wife.”

    Because that is not the case when the wife has to do all the work at home and the child care. Or else, she tend to her king of toddler first and get criticized because house and children is not pristine ?

    “Big headache”

  • Jennny

    I was amused by a troll on a P/NR blog recently, a pro-lifer, who said with great authority that women today would either have one child or none….and this was the reason….’they were afraid of the pain of childbirth.’ Do these bubble-bound fundies have any notion of real life here on planet earth? Patently not.

  • Tawreos

    Why is Lori even speculating why a man does anything? By her own beliefs she, stupidly, believes that women are inferior to men. Since she believes she is inferior, she should not be concerned with the motivations of her supposed superiors. Yes, I know that is some stupid bullshit, but if she is going to push her beliefs, she should apply them to herself as well. Also, I notice she didn’t give one thought to a realistic reason a man might not want another kid. She believes men are in charge of the finances and maybe he is looking at the books and knows they can’t afford another kid.

    I am 90% certain that Lori has complained about single parent households being the scourge of civilization because there is no father to teach a boy how to become a man or mother’s to teach their daughters to be women. And yet here she advocates for a single parent household with the father having nearly nothing to do with the children. How is having a man in the home that wants nothing to do with the children better than a father that does not live with the family and wants nothing to do with the children? If anyone is ever bored, it might be fun to go back and make a chart showing where one of Lori’s posts contradicts one of her stated beliefs and also see how often this happens.

  • Tawreos

    Why would women today be any different from women throughout history? Did childbirth only become painful in like the 80’s or something? Have they never heard of a c-section? Trolls like that are fun to play with…for a little bit anyway.

  • Anri

    Here’s what I want to know. Where on earth is Lori finding such incredible immature, easily-threatened, thin-skinned baby men?

    Well… she has a husband, yes?

  • Brian Curtis

    It’s interesting that Lori’s every attempt to explain WHY men do things never seems to involve actually asking any men. She just speculates from her religious-guilt agenda about what the nearest woman must have done wrong.
    .
    If you’d take the trouble to ASK men why they don’t want more kids (or any kids at all), you’ll hear a wide range of answers from the pathetically lazy to the perfectly reasonable. But that wouldn’t fit Lori’s program, so she doesn’t bother to do any research.

  • gimpi1

    In talking to older relatives I learned about what seems to me to be a nasty dynamic in my family in the past. My grandfather on my dad’s side was abusive, beating my grandmother, aunt and uncle. According to family members, it was because he was jealous of his own children, especially his son. He would come home and fly into a rage if my grandmother was tending to his infant son. My aunt spoke of a specific tone in her mother’s voice, ordering her — at the age of four or five — to take her baby brother ‘outside.’ She genuinely felt there were times when her father might have killed him, had she not taken him away and hidden with him.

    The thing is, this was regarded as
    A) relatively normal, or at least not profoundly abnormal, and
    B) my grandmother’s problem to solve, if not her fault.

    There was a lot of talk about ways to make my grandfather feel ‘special’ and about how my grandmother needed to, “be a wife first and a mother second.” The idea that a grown man shouldn’t need to be flattered and pandered to to stop him beating his toddler and infant children out of jealousy over his wife taking care of them wasn’t even on the radar.

    My grandmother frankly took the abuse to shield her children, and regarded that as her responsibility – she accepted being beaten so the children wouldn’t be – as much, anyway. Again, the dynamic was that she had to do that, that it was somehow her responsibility to shield the children, to the extent of taking beatings instead of them, rather than my grandfather having any responsibility for controlling his temper or jealousy.

    And the weirdest thing, again, was — to the older generation, this wasn’t regarded as profoundly abnormal. It was assumed that some men would be jealous of their own children for, “stealing his wife’s attention,” and that it was the wife’s responsibility to “assure her husband that he’s still the center of your world.”

    This toxic shit has been around a while, and people like Ms. Alexander are trying to breathe new life into it, when what it needs is to be smothered.

  • Mel

    For me, Spawn’s birth was the least painful part of the whole drawn out craziness surrounding his birth, NICU stay and infancy.

    Barring some rare complications or a super-fast progressing birth, hospitals have a lot of pain relief options running from epidurals, IV pain-killers and probably some other ones as well.

    We’re probably going to have a smaller family than otherwise because of Spawn’s medical issues – but I take my responsibility to make sure Spawn’s in a good place before bringing another kid into the family seriously. A lot of CP/QF families have one or more kids with medical issues that generally need more time/attention than the average run kid – but the parents keep expanding their family regardless. The Musser family is a particularly obvious example, but they are hardly the only ones.

  • Mel

    When Lori says “men” I drop the ‘m’ and add a ‘K’ to the front because she’s obviously talking about Ken her husband.

  • SAO

    Where on earth is Lori finding such incredible immature, easily-threatened, thin-skinned baby men? She hangs out in CPM circles and lets MRAs comment on her blog. She shuns the real world and blocks people who disagree with her.

    The good news is, for women who escape the CPM, there are a lot of decent men out there.

  • SAO

    I had one 30 hour labor with pain relief and one delivery without because I barely got to the hospital on time. The delivery without pain relief was the worst pain I’ve experienced in my life (I had 9 stitches) but brief. If I had to choose, I’d choose 15 minutes of sheer torture over 30 hours of pain-managed labor.

  • Nea

    To be fair, Ken had told Lori to be on birth control when she selfishly decided that she was going to sabotage it so that she could selfishly stay at home and live entirely off of his money, which she spends pretty recklessly while selfishly bragging about frugality.

  • Friend

    Re “blaming women for … the murder of Abraham Lincoln,” bear in mind Lori’s shiny new friendships with white supremacists. She’s probably a fan of Mary Surratt, who helped with the assassination conspiracy from her very own home.

    Credit, not blame.

  • kilda

    standard Lori. everything is always, always the woman’s fault. Man doesn’t want kids? it’s the wife’s fault. Man cheats? it’s the wife’s fault. Man beats the wife and/or kids? also the wife’s fault.

    it’s interesting that if a woman doesn’t want kids it means she’s being selfish – but if a man doesn’t want kids, it’s because his wife is being selfish.

  • Saraquill

    Going by Lori’s logic, women who wants kids should marry other women. That way, two parents participate in childrearing.

    Lori logic bodes poorly for two dad families 🙁

  • karmacat

    My great grandmother would joke that if women and men alternating having babies and if women went first, there were only be 3 children per family. In any case, today there are options in decreasing childbirth pains. Of course, this pro-lifer doesn’t think about further issues that have to do with raising children. It is typical of a pro-lifer to fixate on the fetus and forget the children.

  • karmacat

    And pregnant women are at higher risk for domestic violence.

  • Friend

    What an awful story, and how shameful that people gave him cover to beat his wife.

    Physical abuse was more tolerated in the past. However, abuse was never the norm and never taught as a manly virtue. Men and boys (as well as women and girls) used to be taught to restrain and control themselves. Calmness was viewed as a virtue and a sign of strength. Veterans of World War I were instructed to keep quiet about heroism and horror–not that they really wanted to talk, anyway.

    We still do admire the one person who quietly reaches for the baking soda when flames spring up in a pan, while everyone else is shrieking. But we don’t actively teach that kind of response anymore. Our society has come to value open displays of every emotion, and I personally think that has a downside, in that people (manly Christian fathers) are discouraged from thinking before they strike.

    ETA: This is a more general comment, not meant as an expansion of gimpi1’s story.

  • zizania

    I don’t think it’s a matter of it only becoming painful recently; more a matter of it becoming more preventable. I have to admit that my very long and painful birthing experience might have had a teensy bit of influence on my decision not to have any more children, but I had a whole list of other, more sensible, reasons. My son and DIL have decided not to have any kids, due to health issues on both sides of the family, although they haven’t entirely ruled out adoption.

  • AFo

    Yeah, how dare women want men to actually have a role in raising the children they helped create and maintaining the house that they also live in. (/s).

  • Tawreos

    Pain avoidance is a fairly natural instinct in most species so it would not be odd if it did influence your decision.

  • zizania

    Very true. Of course, one of the main reasons I didn’t have more kids is because I’ve never been particularly maternal. So I didn’t have much incentive to overcome the fear of pain.

  • bekabot

    Lori Alexander of The Transformed Wife continues on her crusade of blaming women for everything short of the Lindberg baby kidnapping and the murder of Abraham Lincoln.

    1. If only Mrs. Lindbergh had fixed up a nice home-cooked meal that night, everything would have been fine!
    2. If only Mrs. Lincoln hadn’t nagged to go out to the theater, a great man’s life would have been spared!
    3. Women and their gallivanting! Behold the wages of sin!

    (There. Fixed.)

  • Friend

    If only Mrs. Adam had planned serpent on a stick instead of a Waldorf Salad!

  • frostysnowman

    You know, if Mary hadn’t insisted that Abe accompany her to the theater that night instead of staying at home and caring for her children as God prefers, the whole evening might have turned out differently.

  • B.A.

    If only Jackie Kennedy hadn’t begged her husband to go Dallas./s

  • GeckoShamelessRaceMixer

    Also, if children benefit from a mother who physically takes care of them, don’t children also benefit from a loving dad who physically takes care of them? Or is that something only a vagina can do?

  • Friend

    Notice how all the fundagelical pics of fathers show them tenderly holding the young ones whole reading them the Bible or doing some other holy activity. They never show spanking, glowering, or yelling. They never show Father ignoring the children while bedraggled Wifey brushes Junior’s hair to make him acceptable at the end of the workday.

  • Zeldacat

    This is incredibly insulting to men. My dad and I were close (he died when I was 17, unexpectedly, it was and remains awful). Lori can shove her bullshit about men as nurturing parents, let alone even slightly involved ones, because my dad totally was. He was more of a man than any Lori ever talks about!

  • bekabot

    If only Marina had stood by her man.

  • Allison the Great

    One of the commenters on Lori’s blog said “I don’t ask my husband to help take care of the children because I know that’s my responsibility”. Wow. So was this woman’s husband just a sperm donor? I’m so glad my dad was never like that when I was growing up. Both my mom and dad worked. Our house was clean and we didn’t eat out often, contrary to how Lori thinks households operate if they don’t adhere to strict and pointless gender roles. My dad didn’t just “babysit” us when my mom had her hands full. He raised us. So these over-grown, 40-something little boys that the commenters of Lori’s blog are married to worked all day? So does pretty much everyone else. They need to grow up, get over it, and take care of the kids that they helped create.

  • Allison the Great

    I’m so sorry that you lost your dad.

    And it is insulting to men! The world is full of great men who are amazing fathers. My dad was going to college and driving a truck when we were little. That didn’t stop him from changing diapers and feeding us. It didn’t stop him from reading to us or building forts with us as we got older. The men that the commenters of Lori’s blog are married to are just whiney and weak.

  • smrnda

    Is it even true that it’s typically women who prefer more kids? I recall reading a few articles suggesting that it was often the other way around, mostly because it’s the woman who tends to pay the higher ‘cost’ with a child. And I can’t regard women who write to Lori as typical, if she’s even being truthful. She merely speculates that they are somehow not good enough wives and mothers. There’s no discussion about finances, or how many kids they already have, or any practical reasons. And there’s no discussion how people like Lori, who turn marriage and motherhood into a pissing contest, might be suggesting that people simply ‘have more kids’ without thinking of whether it’s even feasible. No, she jumps right into judgment.

  • Zeldacat

    Thanks. I will miss him forever. It’s so weird that I’m now older than he lived to be.

    He was a gentle man who adored me beyond words, and I adored him right back. I so wish I could have had an adult relationship with him because it’d have been fabulous, I am sure.

  • gimpi1

    This isn’t what I got from discovering this family history. What shocked me was how, again, a man being jealous of the attention his own young children receive from their mother was regarded as basically normal and OK, and that it was the wife’s responsibility to somehow make the situation better. When I heard this history, my response was, “What the heck was wrong with Grandpa, and why wasn’t anybody telling him to grow up and removing him from the home until he did?”

    What I see is a particularly toxic aspect of the, “a man’s home is his castle,” doctrine. My grandmother was expected to pander to his disfunction and take the abuse when that didn’t work because the hierarchy gave my grandfather’s needs and desires center-stage. No one thought about correcting his actions because he was, “the head of the house,” and, by virtue of that authority above reproach.

    I should mention that I’m in my early 60’s. All this occurred in the early 1900’s. My aunt died at the age of 101 about seven years ago. She was the last surviving member of that generation of my family. My grandparents have been dead for decades. This was most decidedly not a ‘modern’ problem.

  • Friend

    Understood, thanks. I am sorry. I was taking the liberty of making a more general comment.

    We are talking about the same generation, though. In my family, the abuse in that generation came from the matriarch, who ruled over two more generations in four households. Of course, she could not have done that without her husband’s sanction.

  • Ally

    Ah yes. Schrodinger’s mother makes an appearance. She is simultaneously too lazy to take care of her children without any help from her husband and too wrapped up in childcare to pay attention to her husband. You really must marvel at how she accomplishes both of these things at once.

  • Ruthitchka

    Sounds like my former marriage. Everything was “my fault”. In many ways, it sucks to be an American woman!

  • lady_black

    She should have clocked him with a cast iron skillet. He has to sleep sometime, right? I can remember telling my husband if he ever put his hands on me, he better learn to sleep with one eye open. I’ve been in that situation before, and would never tolerate that again.

  • lady_black

    “How is having a man in the home that wants nothing to do with the children better than a father that does not live with the family and wants nothing to do with the children?”

    From my experience, it isn’t better. It’s like having one great big infant and some smaller ones to take up your time.

  • lady_black

    That’s what epidurals are for.

  • persephone

    Abusers often deliberately get their victims pregnant to control them. I believe that’s what happened in the abortion case in Alabama where the man is suing on behalf of the aborted fetus. The girl’s father said the man had been pressuring her for sex. He was older and legally an adult. This lawsuit is another way to get at her.

  • persephone

    My grandmother told me the story of a woman sewing her drunk, abusive husband into the sheets, then laying it on with her cast iron skillet. Willie Nelson tells this story, but it’s obviously much older than Willie.

    However, my MIL had a client whose husband was abusive. In investigating the husband, my MIL found out that a previous ex of his had tried to beat him to death in his sleep, but he came to and beat her savagely instead.

  • persephone

    I read a couple of weeks ago that psychologists, up into the 1960s, believed that men needed an outlet for aggression, and that beating their wives was an acceptable way to release this aggression, before going back out in society, refreshed and calm.

  • persephone

    The former prosecutor on Cold Justice (my preferred true crime fix) told about her mother being beaten badly, police coming, and then the cop telling her, “Haven’t you learned to keep your mouth shut, yet?”

  • karmacat

    He was probably angry that she aborted his precious sperm.

  • lady_black

    He’d have a hard time doing that with his skull bashed in.

  • Astrin Ymris

    That’s an unwise strategy to try with someone bigger than you. Unless you’ve doctored his drink first, so he can’t wake up. But if you’ve done that, you could just pack your suitcases, and load your kids in your car. The last thing you do before leaving the house for the last time is light one of his cigarettes, and lay it on the bed…

    Hey, in the 1960s it would have a fair chance of working!

  • Astrin Ymris

    So… Lori thinks that women should have perfectly disciplined kids, a pristine house, a tasty dinner waiting when her husband comes home, and give him all her attention all evening, ignoring the kids whom she’s cowed into submission? How are women supposed to do this without a Time Tuner and the Imperius Curse?

    BTW, I think the most common reason men say “enough” when it comes to babies is the cost, not the fact that their wife isn’t the CPM equivalent of Hermione Granger or an angel’s Vessel. They want to know that they have enough money to provide their kids with a decent life. Of course, this assumes the men in question aren’t God-will-provide-regardless extremists like Michael Pearl and sons. But I get the feeling that Lori’s audience isn’t as extreme as the Duggars.