Lately in Lori Alexander’s chat room, Instagram, Facebook page and her website The Transformed Wife there’s been a lot of talk about sex. Some rather frank discussions of sexually satisfying your husband no matter how you feel. All of Lori’s advice boils down yet again to ‘Ten minutes and lube’
Have heard her say this so many times now in different ways it feels like it should be embroidered on a sampler. Surrounded by stitched in flowers and greenery hanging on the wall.
But this is not that. Today Lori Alexander posted a comment from one of her multitudes of sites in her blog. The post dealt with a husband refusing to have sex with his wife. Lori’s entire point was this is why you should never refuse sex.
There’s just one problem, well two problems considering the post was extra hard to figure out where Lori’s words ended and the commenter began. The problem being that what Lori’s fan was describing is something more than a husband refusing sex. It’s a twisted unhealthy relationship that sounds much like emotional abuse. Lori cannot recognize abuse when it’s right in front of her.
Take a peek:
My husband does not want me anymore, and it has been five years. Prior to that, it was rare, sometimes only once a year, but usually two to four times in a year in the twelve years before he ceased all relations with me. I didn’t think married men would want to be celibate that long, but apparently I was mistaken.
I found out gradually that I’m not the only one; there are many wives who apparently are being denied sex. So this is a two-way street. Unfortunately, we aren’t really acknowledged, but we do exist. I have to be hyper vigilant and it is a struggle sometimes. I almost feel ashamed at the many temptations I deal with on a weekly basis (not every single day, thankfully). But there’s a reason, I’m sure, and it’s made me more aware of what my teenage son is probably going through. I choose to believe that it is necessary for me to deal with this so I can pray for him appropriately.
My husband is not a porn addict (as far as I know), but he was very attached to his mother, and I think that might have something to do with it. He always compared me to her, and I never could quite measure up. For many years, this caused me no end of misery, but I have now become used to it to the point that I simply have to let it go. I know I’ve done what I can, and I can’t do much more. It is unwise to confront him (I learned that very early on), so for the sake of peace in our family, I learned to live day to day.
Clipped out the many paragraphs this woman wrote telling women to stop being so selfish and immediately make with the sex. They aren’t important, except to show that everyone who is miserable in Evangelicalism loves to try and tell others what to do. I’m reminded of the beginning of Tolstoy’s ‘Anna Karenina’ – “Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
I feel nothing but sad for this unnamed woman. Lori had an opportunity to offer her help, make suggestions. Instead Ms. Alexander cruelly rambles on about how everyone outside of marriage is having crazy wild sex random strangers while cutting off all sex marriage.
This is abuse! This is emotional abuse from a husband this wife is suffering. It’s not ‘okay’. It cannot be prayed or fasted away. It’s not acceptable.
More red flags there than during a storm at the beach. She cannot discuss this with her husband without it causing a huge row. There is some disturbing talk of his mother. The commenter apparently struggles not to cheat or be tempted if I am reading this correctly.
Wow! What Lori should have said was to gently encourage this woman to get to therapy quickly. There are Christian counselors out there she could see. It does not have to be a strict Freudian psychiatrist. But get help. The sooner, the better.
Not being about to talk to your husband about this issue is a red flag of emotional abuse that is likely going on behind the scenes. His mother fixation also indicates she’s in heavy sledding, and shouldn’t be suffering alone. Even if her husband refuses to see a counselor for any of this I would urge her to go.
No one of either sex should be expected to live an existence without physical intimacy. It’s normal to have sexual needs and to expect your partner to fulfill those same needs. No one should live in such need and misery without attempting to fix this mess.
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