This is actually a rather interestingly unclear letter from a lady named Beth asking Wilson for advice. Lately Doug Wilson of Blog and Mablog has been handing out some rather horrific ideas on marriage.

Remember earlier in the week when he was advising Garrett to man up and take charge? I am betting that didn’t go well if Garrett tried out his advice.

If someone is trashing you and your reputation online, accusing you wholesale of abuse no amount of Doug’s version of ‘manning up’ is going to help. It might help to humble yourself and try to hear what your partner is saying and deal from there. It might just be a case that the other person is just venting and ranting, and it’s unlikely any of your friends and family will take it in. Sometimes least said is the soonest mended.

But the trouble with today’s letter is that it is more word salad-y than Doug himself. I’ve read it about a dozen times and cannot parse exactly what Beth is saying. Can you? It’s so incredibly vague.

A short passage from the actual letter.

The problem is that there is a persistent dislocation of our fellowship and I am unable to figure out how to live like that. My choice seems to be: for the good of our marriage, put on my game face and do my genuine best to preserve our external fellowship as much as I can (while feeling inside very much like I am putting on an act and not in true fellowship) or not put on my game face, be honest about my feelings, and bring on an unpleasant air of desolation in our marriage (and by extension our family atmosphere).

This is starting to sound to me as if there is no horizontal fellowship going on in this marriage. No sex at all and it’s wearing on the wife. Of course it could be a man that refuses to interact with his wife, or treats her like a piece of furniture. But I am betting this is sexual in nature. Women in Doug’s group cannot speak openly about sex, sexual needs, or anything else involving sex. There is so much frantic dancing around the real issue, it’s a Worship Watsui of strange delicacy.

Add in that many versions of Evangelicalism believe that women do not enjoy sex as much as men, don’t need it as often as men, and you have even more reason to be extremely vague about the real issues.

Read the entire letter and tell me what you think.

For the first time ever I’ve seen Doug gives out not entirely toxic advice. Of course he word salads it when simply stating ‘Tell your counselor the truth fully in respectful language and quit tiptoeing around it’ would be plenty.

His reply:

Beth, it is difficult to say from the details you have shared, but either he is being irresponsible or you are being hyper-scrupulous. You say that it is a sin of omission, and that you have been in counseling over the repercussions (i.e. your son?). The one thing I would encourage you to do is to take full advantage of the next session of counseling you get. Nothing is more crippling for a counselor than to have key elements of the case withheld from him. The next time you are with the pastor, let it all hang out. Do it respectfully, and do it with a demeanor that invites correction if it becomes apparent that you are the problem. Do not rely on hints or suggestions. In a counseling situation, you can say hard things without violating 1 Peter 3. Neither your husband nor the counselor are mind readers. Say, “I want to be genuinely open to correction, but this is how I see it.” And just say it.

Doug does leaven his advice with a few toxic tidbits that let you know he thinks Beth is somehow responsible for whatever is happening and should be ‘open to correction’.

I knew it was too much to expect Wilson to be entirely non-toxic as Playdoh, or a glass of milk.

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