Betrothal Causes Love?

Betrothal Causes Love? December 20, 2019

For the past few weeks I’ve been looking at this website Betrothal and Wedding.com and it looks like a less disgusting version of Vaughn Ohlman, lacking the drooling on teenage girls breasts that Vaughn engages in at his various betrothal sites like Let Them Marry.

But that does not mean it’s any less outside the mainstream of faith and the hinterlands of Quiverfull even. The site has kept me amused for many a long day, looking at the claims of this being the only way to a happy marriage by people that do not understand arranged marriages still happen in some cultures here. These ideas are old ones, not new, and the evidence does not support their claims of this being a happier and better way to go about things. The statistics do not show that this system creates marriage without divorce. The divorce rates are lower but here’s the social scientist take on why.

“…suggest that the low divorce rate may not reflect stability, rather it may reflect the difficulty in the divorce process and social ostracism to the individuals, who choose to live in a dysfunctional marriage rather than face the consequences of a divorce.”

It has more to do with poverty, culture and difficulty in obtaining legal help. Nothing to do with being somehow ‘happier’.

The only reason to look at the divorce rates of arranged marriages/betrothals is that people like the oddly bearded and covered heads of this group claim that their way produces less divorces. That’s only true on a global scale when you factor in all the types of betrothal marriages, from forced child marriages to cultural arranged marriages in third world countries like India. In the U.S. the divorce rates are more in line with all divorce rates here, higher in the world of faith, lower among those faithless sinners (or so they might call them!)

One of the married couples from this unusual little offshoot of fundamentalism have written about why they think this is the best way to go about things, and this comes up:

Oh sweetheart! This last bit just breaks my heart for everyone getting married this way! You might not feel those fireworks and romantic love every single moment of every single day, but you better feel it at least occasionally. That love, (and sexual attraction) is the oil that makes the marriage work on those days when some child has just thrown up on you at 2 am, and your husband works a double shift and everyone in the family has the flu. Just like machinery needs oiling and maintenance so do our marriages.

Much of marriage is the not so fun stuff, so there better be an essential love component at the bottom or what you have is something less than a marriage, and more like a bad business partnership. That essential bond makes slogging through the unfun days much easier than the master/slave or parent/child dynamic portrayed on their site.

Essentials for a great marriage include friendship, compatibility, sexual attraction, romantic love, and a host of other things all predicated on spending enough time getting to know each other before marriage, much more time than can possibly happen in a betrothal setting.

The betrothal is also an artificial construction that does not lend itself to participants behaving in natural normal ways either. Everyone is on their best behavior all of the time. You’re not around them long enough for them to experience the ego depletion that happens when you can no longer pretend and the real you emerges. It’s only later, when the rubber meets the road in the weird everyday that you finally figure out exactly what type of pig in a poke you’re now tied to. If he’s a keeper, great! But you hold just as much chance of ending up with a creeper, or an abusive jerk, or someone else that secretly horrifies you if you’re not given ample opportunity to get to know him in the everyday.

Stay in touch! Like No Longer Quivering on Facebook:

If this is your first time visiting NLQ please read our Welcome page and our Comment Policy! Commenting here means you agree to abide by our policies but our main rule is this – Do not be a dick!

Copyright notice: If you use any content from NLQ, including any of our research or Quoting Quiverfull quotes, please give us credit and a link back to this site. All original content is owned by No Longer Quivering and Patheos.com

Read our hate mail at Jerks 4 Jesus

Check out today’s NLQ News at NLQ Newspaper

Contact NLQ at SuzanneNLQ@gmail.com

Comments open below

NLQ Recommended Reading …

Quiverfull: Inside the Christian Patriarchy Movement by Kathryn Joyce

I Fired God by Jocelyn Zichtermann

13:24 A Dark Thriller by M Dolon Hickmon

About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 33 years. You can read more about the author here.
"This is late, partly bc of my preoccupation and partly bc I'd been slowly reading ..."

Serena’s Serenity – Luxury Hotel, Birthing ..."
"Thank you for your commitment to truth and love, Suzanne. Best wishes to you and ..."

Not a Goodbye, More of a ..."
"For your sake, I am so glad you will no longer be editing and managing ..."

Not a Goodbye, More of a ..."
"For what it's worth, I've learned a lot from you about a Very Creepy movement ..."

Not a Goodbye, More of a ..."

Browse Our Archives