While being a “People Pleaser” has given me a sense of satisfaction at times, the outcome is fairly predictable. When I reflect back on choices I’ve made, neglecting my own needs has often left me feeling resentful and disempowered. For most of my life, I’ve been stuck in the role of “People Pleaser” because I’ve been fearful of losing the love or recognition of others. Fear of rejection often lies at the root of my tendency to bend over backwards to please others –... Read more
Infidelity doesn’t always signify the end of a marriage but it does shatter your view of the relationship. It causes you to question whether your marriage will survive the betrayal and whether you can regain trust in your partner again. The answer to this question depends on the couple and their willingness to resolve the issues and repair the relationship. While infidelity can be devastating to a marriage, some specialists believe that it is important to try to resolve the... Read more
Dear Terry, I have been married twice and both marriages were short in nature and shared surprisingly similar characteristics of dysfunction and emotional withdrawal. Both of my husbands were in dire need of “saving” and I entered into each union anxious from the beginning. Although I was not in touch with those emotions at the time nor of my tendency to rescue partners, I am now keenly aware of my people pleasing nature and trying to brake this pattern at... Read more
Many people write to me about the topic of rebuilding trust after divorce. One thing that I’m sure to tell them is that it is a process and takes time. This is one thing that I knew instinctively but forgot at times after my divorce over two decades ago. Why is trust such a key issue for divorced people? Experiencing the breakup of your marriage can intensify trust issues. Because of your past experience, you might approach relationships warily and... Read more
Hi Terry, I’ve been a single mom for four years and I have two wonderful teenage boys. My problem is that I’m always tired and can’t seem to catch a break. I am in graduate school studying special education and I teach full-time. Things get pretty hectic and my boys need help with homework and rides to soccer practice. So with cooking meals, paying bills and sleep, there isn’t much time left for me. I asked my ex to... Read more
The key to successful single parenting is to reflect daily upon the importance of preparing for your new life and accepting that change is necessary. Truth be told, divorce is hard but can be a transforming event that ignites personal growth. It will take time for you and your children to adjust to your new lifestyle but developing a positive mindset will help ease the transition. As a single parent, it is of primary importance that you help your children... Read more
Dear Terry, My friend told me you’re an expert in relationships and I need advice right now. My marriage is crumbling and I’m not sure what to do. I’m a man of few words but will try to explain. My wife, Michelle and I are in our early fifties and we have been married for about ten years and we have one child, Faith, age nine. Michelle got pregnant right away and we were thrilled. We were lucky that Michelle... Read more
Trust is an essential element of any intimate relationship. As a result of feeling mistrustful, you may believe that your partner no longer has your best interests at heart. In other words, you have stopped giving your spouse the benefit of the doubt and you have lost faith in his or her intentions. Honestly, you can’t love someone or be close to them emotionally if trust is destroyed. One of the biggest problems with ongoing resentment in a marriage is... Read more
Dear Terry, I’ve been spending time outside of work with a co-worker, Eric, and sending text messages to him for a few months. I am married and have three children. My husband, Todd, would leave me if he knew and I’m feeling guilty about my relationship with Eric. At first it seemed innocent but we’ve been having lunch together and I realize that we have gotten close emotionally and I don’t feel intimate or want to have sex with Todd... Read more
I used to believe that a breach of trust was something that couples could bounce back from quickly but I’ve gained insight about the ways this isn’t usually the case. For instance, most marriages don’t survive big betrayals or even a series of smaller ones. I believe that finding healthy ways to express your thoughts and feelings and being honest with your partner, is the best way to build a trusting relationship. In my opinion, vulnerability is the glue that... Read more
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