Why Didn’t I Marry a Hindu?

Why Didn’t I Marry a Hindu? December 17, 2014

A comment came up on the blog last week suggesting that my choice of husband was racist. Why didn’t I marry a Hindu?

This friend suggested that it was because white people like to marry other white people and we don’t consider people of other races our equals or worth considering for marriage. I do try really hard to call out any racism that I find hiding in my psyche but in this case I don’t think that’s a fair assessment of my situation. Yes I did marry someone who is also white, someone with a very similar ethnic background to mine, and someone who is not Hindu. So why didn’t I marry a Hindu?

The simple answer is because none would have me.

I’ve never felt in control of relationships. They always seem to happen to me.

I’m not going to take you through my entire relationship history, but the truth is that I have dated and I have loved men of other races including some Indian men. My very first love, one of the most intense of my life, was with a black Christian man.

Did you know that I dated a reader of this blog once?

I don’t believe I’ve talked about this before. It was several years ago now. Just a year or two into when I had started my blog on Blogger. A young Indian man contacted me who lived nearby and who had grown up in an Advaitan family. We had so much in common. I intived him to a New Year’s party that some writer friends throw. We clicked so well that my friends had no idea it was the first time we had met. I thought my moment had finally come.

After that party I didn’t hear from him for several months. The next time he contacted me it was to tell me that he had gotten married.

He wasn’t the only Indian man I dated. But as much as I tried, none of these men were the right person for me. They tended to want their projection of what I should be rather than what I am. I know that it doesn’t have to be that way. I have several friends who are white American women married to Hindu Indian men and it makes me really happy to see those relationships. I used to feel jealous of those women. I felt like that should have been me. I should have been snatched up by a Hindu man! But it turned out that that was not my fate.

I didn’t get married until I was thirty and it was not from a lack of trying. I spent my entire twenties doing everything I could to get married. No one wanted me. And that hurt more than I can tell you.

I wasn’t waiting for a white guy to understand me. I was waiting for any guy to understand me. And I had given up completely when my parents asked the guru for the right man for me to come along. And then he did.

I didn’t ask for him to be non-Indian or non-Hindu but that’s what I got. At the same time, this is a man who can make me feel loved when I am at my most difficult. He may not practice Hinduism, but he understands it and he knows what it means to me. I am proof that interfaith relationships can work if you both have respect for the other’s beliefs. Luckily for me he is Taoist and Buddhist so his beliefs are not too wildly different from mine! We both have a deep love and interest in Eastern philosophy.

I don’t think I owe anyone an explanation for my marriage, but I thought it might be interesting to give you guys a little more of a peek into my personal life that you may not have seen before.

The follow up question was why bother becoming Hindu if I wasn’t going to marry a Hindu?

The truth is that my faith is mine alone. I was always going to be a Hindu and no one could stop me from that. No matter who I married, where I lived, who I was friends with, none of that changes my path. I chose Hinduism because it is right for me. It makes no difference to me who else it is right for. I live my faith every day and I would do that regardless of who my husband was.

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  • Guest

    Humm, wow its really interesting story.. blog speaks as if writer speaking from heart, However, we must keep celebrating this life with devotion in all we do in both ups & downs , joy & sorrow accept all with wholeness like Ganesh .. try to detach from work like krishna or Tao or Buddha even doing duties for we cant escape them & of-course always keeping smile on face like krishna/Tao:) we must develop this attitude… above all Narayana is all who keep Guiding us Trust in him Hold on to him

  • bellblue

    Hello dearest amba. You must not feed trolls like this. These men think they own women and religion. They think they have a moral authority to marry women of other faiths. They are nothing but sick conquest perverts who have an unhealthy view of women of other races or faiths.

    If more women became financially independent, took the kids and raised them according to the womens faith, these pervert men would realize their games are over and not worth it.

    Regarding relationships, I noticed that men in western cultures expect their women to look like TV girls else they refuse to actually commit and propose. They have raised an entire generation of pigs like these.

  • Seeker

    I married a white woman (I am black) and she is a non believer. She believes that God set the world into motion and then s/he wiped hands of it (Deist). I did not seek a Hindu because I was already married when I embraced the path of Sanata Dharm.

    Which brings to mind another topic. I attend temples and participate in other Hindu affairs but it seems to me that Hindu women don’t want to interact with me (not all of course) even on a very superficial level. I wonder if Hindu women think that to interact with men socially is some how disrespectful. In other words were I single and wanted a Hindu wife would I even be able to attract one who would marry me? I am successful, have a MBA and came from an educated family. OK, this is not a dating post 🙂

    At any rate, Ambaa, If you and your husband relate and there is love and friendship there then enjoy! I prayed for a wife and the one I have has been my best friend an lover throughout the years. My wife supports my faith as best she can and who knows, maybe some day she’ll believe.

    • Ambaa

      Thank you so much for opening up and sharing your story.

      I think there is still an emphasis for Hindu singles to meet through family or connections and not just pick someone up!

      • Seeker

        WOW, is it a “pick up” if you meet at a spiritual event where you both attend weekly?? Rhetorical question maybe but I figure a pick up is meeting on the fly (club, bar etc) and not knowing the person at all. Oh well in that I am married it is moot, but if I were not I’d be really lonely if I confined my search to Hindu women.

        • Ambaa

          Maybe not. I just think a “pick up” could be anywhere. There’s a moment where a conversation with someone starts verging on flirty, there’s a shift in the energy from friends talking to a sense that one is interested in more. And I’ve found that moment can happen truly anywhere! 🙂

    • Madhu K Agnihotri

      Brother of course not in temples most girl, women will not speak nor man try to speak… and that is correct way usually in india practicing religious hindus dont tend to speak other matters, but contemplate the pure divine Energy of Bhakti there.where there are your Bhakts(devotees) there,Thee Lord you stay..

      • Seeker

        Thank you Madhu. I have lot to learn. I was meaning during the meal after or something when we socialize. Appreciate your help.

    • truth

      blacks and whites would never be accepted by our race you both are dirty people and dumb.

    • truth

      nobody wants low iq blacks go back to your mudstrawhuts and stay out of our business we don’t like you nor do we like whites who lack rooted culture and identity .blacks are self haters and just like whites suffer from high levels of inferiority complex disorder why aren’t you happy to stick to your own ugly race.

      • You pathetic imbecile. I have more brains and money that a chimp like you could imagine. Go back to screwing your daddy and leave normal people alone

    • truth

      pubic haired chimp go back to your jungle and fetch a banana or gain some revenue by having tourists come to see you in your zoo which is entire Africa.

  • Amar

    as far marriage is concerned, it should be between two individuals (preferably?of course a male & a female), & “that’s it”. male psychology of a indian Hindu is different(I say very much) from American male mindset, “snatch away” is not at all part of it, most of the marriages are arranged (someone mediates between the two families), love marriage do take place but either it happens in teenage or two individual, faith does not play role in it. most of indian Hindu males are shy or introvert in front of a white girl.

    • truth

      no not at all us indian guys do not like white women white women are discusting stretched out face uglys who get mammogram testing and need double mastectomy treatments they have varicella zoster virus which mutates into shingles and ovarian cancer cervical cancer, breast cancer, and a terrible history of bloodshedding Indians caused famine towards Indians and robbed Indians while telling Indians their country is poor and dirty when whites are the catalyst to how India became poor in the first place . whites market off our yoga and lack respect towards other races cultures and heritage whites went to war against every ethnicity of color and whites are going extinct why would any race want whites other than blacks who are stupid and feel they will gain perks and move up the social ladder by marrying white malignant tumors.whites suffer from abnormal BRCA1 abnormal BCA2 squamous cell carcinoma basal cell carcinoma human pappilloma virus (HPV) and have the highest divorce rates ifn9dellity lack monogamy and white women are alimony golddiggers who are a formality for suing and filing lawsuits for litigation ,whites also carry cancer cells and are the highest burden for healthcare and are into kiddyporn and voyeurism and sexual exploitation towards under age minors…

  • Pixie5

    Ambaa, I am amazed that anyone would be so rude as to say that to you, but I do like your honesty and how you have addressed that. But bottom line, it is no one’s business who you choose to marry anyway! It sounds a bit racist to me for people to think that you have to marry someone of the same faith and that it has to be an Indian as well. I know there are differences between the Hindu faith and Buddhism but if I understand correctly they both share some common roots and practices.

    Well there are always going to be trolls but it is nice that you replied in such a gracious manner. Trolls live to bait others into pointless arguments but if you are nice they go away (usually). I admit though I don’t always manage to do that myself…lol. 😉

    • Ambaa

      Thank you! 🙂

  • Auki

    Hi Ambaa, It’s nobody’s damn business except your own who you chose to marry. Please don’t let yourself be lured in by others people’s distresses about their own religious & cultural upbringings, choices & predicaments.

    • Ambaa

      Thank you!

    • truth

      take our om symbol down that’s not for you you aint indian.

  • AJ

    There really is not any need for you to justify to anyone as to why you have chosen to be with your partner Ambaa…marrying a non-Hindu does not make you any less a Hindu than one who has married within the faith…you are much more of a Hindu than most and never let anybody bring you down.

  • Didi Heart

    I am not married at all but if I were to marry, it would not also matter the color of the person’s skin. It is what is inside them. I would definitely though have to find a person of the same beliefs as my love for Shaivism and Lord Shiva is strong.

    And Didi, don’t let anyone hurt you for your choice. They are trying to make themself feel better by judging you and that is their EGO working. Lord says that is wrong wrong wrong!

  • truth

    whites can never be buddhist, hindu, or Jain these are strictly from india and whites are mlecchas.,