Many of you know that I’ve struggled with depression in the past (see my post on Hinduism and Depression). I thought that it was resolved and mostly behind me, that I could effectively deal with any little flareups. But within weeks of becoming pregnant it was back in full force.
This feels deeply unfair. I’m finally getting everything that I wanted in life, the baby that I worked so hard for, and I can’t enjoy it. Depression is in no way logical. I mean, yes you can be situationally depressed when you’re in a bad place in life. But depression like this is unrelated to situation. Depression like this doesn’t make any sense. I have a wonderful life. I have an adoring husband, I own a home, I earn money blogging, and I have a baby on the way. Everything is so freakin perfect! But the gratitude that I should be feeling can’t pierce the cloud that’s all around me.
The meaning and purpose of life has been drained out. I become so listless and unmotivated that I think I’m going to drift into non-existence. I don’t see any reason to go on. Most ironic now that a baby is on the way. That should be all about the hope and excitement for the future. But I can’t feel it. It’s like those other feelings I could be having are on the other side of this fog and this side of the fog feels so much more real, those other feelings seem like a mirage.
It turns out that postpartum depression isn’t the only kind associated with pregnancy. Not terribly surprising considering the crazy rush of hormones through one’s system (although Wikipedia claims that antenatal depression is considered to be triggered by pregnancy fears, stresses, and difficult relationships, none of which is true for me). Apparently prenatal or antenatal depression can be a strong indicator of postpartum depression if it is left untreated (whatever that means!). I’m terrified of not being able to bond with this baby that I’ve waited so long for and wanted so badly.In the past I have been able to search for and find a chink in the fog that I could grab hold of and expand until I could step through. I have some great tools in my arsenal as Hinduism has trained me not to be a slave to my mind and my thoughts. But I haven’t been able to find that opening this time. And it’s getting worse.
I tried to do some therapy but after a few weeks suicidal thoughts are entering my mind, which is definitely worse than it was. I thought perhaps getting to the second trimester would ease these symptoms but last week I entered the second trimester and the depression is deepening.
It is Brad, my husband, who keeps me alive. No matter what horrible things my brain tells me about myself, I know that he adores me despite all my failings. He tells me he loves me so many times a day that there is no space for the inner voice to say that I don’t matter. Even though I feel like a burden to him right now, I know that if I were to vanish it would devastate him.
So I keep trying to fight through it. But my productivity has suffered tremendously. I’ve found it difficult to write posts or write anything, actually. I have lots of big ideas about tidying I want to do, decorating in the nursery, organizing my baby’s books, etc. And every night I tell myself I’ll be full of energy and ready to tackle it the next day. So far that has not been the case and nothing is getting done.
Yesterday was particularly bad. The things I might have actually gotten the motivation to do were thwarted by my phone not working (and all the info I needed was on it). Then later in the day I found out that I didn’t get a job that I really wanted. I went into a tailspin and spent a big part of the day crying. Brad called my midwife and she was also very concerned. We all agreed that I probably need to get on an anti-depressant. So I have an appointment to see her today and maybe, I hope, there’s a magic pill that can get me through this. I can’t stand to keep feeling this way.