Mother Confesses: I Killed Two of My Children



Rarely do you read something that feels like a punch in the stomach. But today, I read a blog that was so powerful, I just had to share.  It begins:

… The bumper sticker read, “Having an abortion does not make you un-pregnant, it makes you the mother of a dead baby”. The word “mother” struck me because “mother” is such a powerful word. It conjures many meanings, and when a woman becomes one she is fundamentally changed. “Mother” as a verb means to nurture, care for and protect. “Mother” as a noun means a female person who is pregnant with or gives birth to a child; or a female person whose egg unites with sperm, resulting in the conception of a child.

By this definition if you’ve ever been pregnant you are a Mother. Even if you’ve had an abortion you are still a Mother… a grieving Mother.

“A voice was heard in Ramah, sobbing and loud lamentation; Rachel weeping for her children, and she would not be consoled, since they were no more.” Matthew 2:18

There is no consolation to be had for the mother that loses a child. She will grieve in her heart for the rest of her life. Abortion; however, not only robs a child of it’s life and a mother of it’s child, it also robs the mother of her grieving. She is not allowed to grieve because she cannot publicly claim the title Mother.

Then, she gets personal.  Really personal.  She shares a secret that she’s been holding inside her for fifteen years.  Head over to her blog to read her story and maybe leave a note of encouragement.  I just wish I could hug this woman for having the courage to really speak out against the evils of abortion.

Read “Fifteen Years Later and Silent No More” and share it with a friend. Her message needs to reach as many people as possible.

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  • Bernard Shuford

    Another similar story is Tammy Hodge. She’s an awesome lady who aborted two children before finding Christ and making a huge difference in the world around her.

  • Ian


    That is a fantastic bumper sticker! Just Priceless!
    Great blog post.

  • Sue Lynn

    God Bless her!!!!! God excepts us and loves us that’s why He died and rose again and Lives today to draw us to Him and be saved for all time in His loving arms!!!!

  • Robin

    I’ve lost 3 babies and grieved for them for many years. Often if I’d see someone with little one’s it would hit like a punch in the stomach. The only thing that finally ended the grieving was God gave me a vision one day of the babies I’d lost. I knew they were in heaven, but, to actually see them immediately lifted the grief. My father had been dead for several years, the vision I had was, my dad was standing in front of me. He had one baby on his shoulder, one in his arms, and the other baby was clinging to his leg. The peace I had immediately was amazing. My father was smiling at me. It was all over in a split second but, the lasting affects of that one touch from God has lasted over 2 decades. He is the only way to true peace.

    • Paulette

      Bristol, thanks so much for sharing this blog with us! Thankfully God is a very forgiving Father, one who loves us in spite of our sins! Robin, my spirit lept when I read your message. My daughter who was a pure joy, passed when she was seven years old. My husband & I were standing in a quiet little room, holding hands with our pastor & praying when God gave me the vision of her with her long blonde hair & long white dress, she was skipping & picking wild white daisies with one hand while reaching up with her other hand, to place it into the hand of Jesus. I saw his hand as it touched hers, and I knew her time had come. As soon as I shared the vision, the nurse walked in to tell us the news, but we already had the peace of God that passes all understanding. We later found out several people within our church accepted Christ as a result of her death. Praise God as we were rejoicing although sadness touched our hearts at the same time.

  • bellagrazi

    If her personal experience with abortion prevents one woman from having one, then it will have been worth it. God bless her. Thank you for sharing her story, Bristol.

  • Joseppi

    A mother is not someone who simply gives birth. Any female or female animal can give birth but it takes a lot more than the act of giving birth to be called a mother.

  • Justine Stewart

    So sad but very courageous of her to speak about it. Thanks for sharing Bristol.

  • LMA

    A touching story, yes. Truly a courageous woman to share her truth. HOWEVER, what these women always fail to acknowledge is that if abortion hadn’t been legal, and if they hadn’t been able to obtain a safe abortion, they probably wouldn’t be here today to share their shame and regret. Abortion was made legal because so many women were having them anyway, and dying from the procedure. I always wonder exactly whose “sacred cow” abortion is, the ones who stand for preserving its legality and safety or those who would do away with it at any cost. When our lawmakers decide that affordable healthcare for all women and their children is a priority, that all women and their children deserve access to healthful food and quality public education, then you can start to question the usefulness of legal abortions. Until then, good luck pushing your morality on those who have their reasons to consider abortion.

    • Robin

      There isn’t a lot of difference from abortion clinics today and back alley abortions. Abortion clinics aren’t regulated. Abortion clinics are often filthy, they reuse medical equipment that isn’t meant to be reused, ect. Many women who are injured because of legal abortions and or killed, aren’t reported by the CDC as such. They usually are transported to an emergency room, the cause of death is listed as something other than abortion. Bleeding to death, sepsis, punctured uterus(not mentioning it was caused during an abortion), adverse reaction to anesthesia and other causes. It isn’t listed as caused by abortion, unless the woman dies at the abortion clinic.

      The procedure for doing an illegal abortion is much the same as it is today. They could be charged with murder and if caught doing an abortion could also be charged with a murder. If you were preforming an illegal abortion, wouldn’t you try very hard to be careful not to injure the woman? Many if you got caught back in the day, you were done.

      • LMA

        Sorry, but there are safe places to have abortions. I had an abortion in a clean, safe clinic. Maybe because I had money, I was in no danger of dying due to incompetence or filth. Though I appreciate your argument that causes of death after an abortion are listed as “something other than abortion…bleeding, sepsis, punctured uterus, adverse reaction to anesthesia…” these are not causes of death that are exclusive to abortions. I know of one person who died of an allergic reaction to anesthesia while undergoing a breast augmentation, and I know of another woman who bled to death after giving birth.

        • Robin

          I have a close relative that had two and another relative who had one and one friend, that I know of. The one relative was hit hard emotionally afterwards, not sure about the other one. My friend grieves over the one she had. She said when she had her son, the moment he was born, she realized what she had done. It might be safe physically, but, they are never safe emotionally or for the baby.

          • LMA

            I wouldn’t call it emotionally “unsafe.” It’s a difficult decision to make, but I have to say that I’ve made peace with my decision, and I believe that there are many women with a variety of reason for making the decision who are able to come to terms with it quite well. That’s not to say that I would do it again, but looking back, I’m glad that since I came to the decision to have an abortion that I had access to a safe one. And since I had it at 5 weeks, I don’t personally feel like I actually murdered a kid.

  • tammy hodge

    i SO relate to this woman’s story. as bernard, commenter above, already mentioned, my story is so similar. I had two abortions as a teen. i kept those secrets hidden for years. until my first born was 5 months. once i started sharing, and understanding Gods forgiveness and finding the strength to forgive myself, everything began changing. i now have two children…18 and 15. i am writing a book about my journey. i had no idea when i was going through my first abortion that i would one day have to look my children in the eyes and tell them that i killed two babies. i wish when i was a teen i would’ve had the mindset to think of the future, consequences and impacts this would have on so many.

    tho i am grateful for the ministry it has provided!

    • Robin

      God bless you. I truly do feel for the women who’ve had them. They hurt everyone, and my heart goes out to you.

  • justinemee

    Bristol I understand where u are coming from honey, but not all women do this out of selfishness. In fact I had one out of love. I had had a baby two weeks prior and then I was pregnant again. As I had resummed taking serious medications my doc said we should watch the new baby for side effects. Two months later we checked the baby was missing an arm and its head seemed misshapen. The Dr. Told me the baby would probaby never talk or walk. The baby was going to be essentially a vegetable. With my docs assistance I chose to have an abortion. He told me the odds were so far in the negative I felt as if I was saving my baby from a lifetime of barely living. Of being an experiment for whatever life it had. I loved that baby enough to let it go. Believing in heaven as i do i knew he or she would be better off in heaven then being a lump of flesh waiting to die here. I wouldn’t want to live that way so I had no business sentencing someone else to. It’s not always selfishness just sayin.

    • Mrs. Sixx

      Thank you, dear, for telling the other side of the story. What you did was a kind and loving thing. I am sure that you will be blessed to see your child again some day. Bless you, sweetie.

  • Paul

    A friend of ours was pregnant and then lost the baby. It was a catalyst for her to stop using drugs, abandon atheism, and trust Jesus. I’m amazed at the change in her life. That baby had such incredible purpose, even though she never had a chance to be born.

  • Robyn Refsland Lund

    I keep you and your family in my prayers, Bristol. I think of Trig often as well; I trust he’s doing great. Should you ever have time, please check out my website. Abortion is an ugly reality I wish did not exist.

  • Andy Sandoval

    Yes, Bristol. God makes no mistakes. Any child that is conceived is of God’s will. The way they were conceived is up to us. But once that baby is conceived, they are a creation of God.
    Can’t wait to watch your new TV series on Lifetime! Good Luck!

  • Emma Lora

    Of course… this blog will go out to others as well, the more the better. This is a great blog.
    More often this is seen, the more people will be informed, inspired, encouraged. I hope it will be printed on many blogs.

  • Jeremy Lundmark

    Thanks for this post. I’m grateful as a Pastor that there are great ministries like the Life Choices Center in Binghamton, NY that serve to give the *Hug* you described. Our church’s ministry doesn’t have the necessary resources to reach folks who have struggled through abortion or are struggling with it.

  • The Crescat

    Thank you for sharing my story.

  • Barbara Landi

    Many years ago I had a spontaneous abortion, ie, a miscarriage. That was bad enough! It’s a common thing, and no doubt many other women like me who have had a miscarriage, still wonder & question what they did wrong to cause it. Even though I don’t go to church much and I’m not very religious, I could never ever willfully kill my own fetus , or anyone else’s, under ANY circumstances. Hell I can’t even kill a chicken for a dinner.

  • Bob Woelfel

    Where can I buy those bumper stickers, I want to get them out !!!

  • Bob Woelfel

    Where can I buy this bumper sticker????

  • huntingmoose

    This blog hits it right on the head, and not so much for the ‘I murdered..’ part but for the mental tormenture later when it all is well and done.

    The catholic church takes the moment of conception, the legal system uses the moment of birth, for Obama you are not alive if the administrative decision was made before you were born to kill you,Ezekiel Emanuel who Obama wanted for health care policy advisor thinks life starts when you are 5 years old or something like that and I like many others, admit I don’t know the answer but like many others prefer to err on the save side.

    Unfortunately, many will when confronted with unplanned pregnancy choose what seems easy at that moment but not so easy mentally afterwards.

    There is a lot of attention spend to prevent contracting diseases like AIDS. They should also spend a lot of attention to this mental disease you will get from an abortion, immediately after or at a later time.

    With AIDS, abstinence is the only sure preventive measure. With unplanned pregnancy, abstinence is not the only preventive measure; you can also prevent this mental disease by choosing life.

  • politicaljules

    Thank you. So many of us suffer in silence thinking the ‘choice’ was supposed to make it all better. It didn’t. You could not turn to any side for consolation. Or so I thought. It has been the pro life side that grabs you and hugs you tight saying it will all be ok. That is some of the most amazing healing that has ever come my way. No judging. No screaming at me. Just hugging, and telling me to know I am forgiven.

  • Joanne Mayo

    I, too, was silent for many decades. The grief was very intense and painful, but God in His graceful forgiving ways brought me to a full productive life. Now I have my own grandchildren to cherish and be extra thankful for. The pain slowly scars over but I think God allows you to remember some of it so you can reach out to others who are hurting and say “I know—I’ve been there”. The realization is predominant to me that since I deserve hell, my future reunion in heaven with my little one will be covered totally by God’s grace and His grace alone.

  • Francis W. Porretto

    Pilar hesitated before the sacristy door. Gail Borden turned to her with eyebrows raised.

    “They’re waiting for you, P.”

    Pilar nodded and looked down. “I know. I just don’t know how ready I am for this. Gail, couldn’t you…?”

    The big blonde woman took her by the shoulders and squeezed gently. “It’s your show, P. They all know it’s your show, not mine. You’re the sparkplug, and it’s time to fire. Do you need a glass of water or something?”

    “No, I…” I need to be somewhere else. Somebody else. “Okay, let’s go.”

    Gail looked at her critically for an instant longer, then took her hand and led her out into the church. They were greeted by applause of surprising volume and duration.

    Gail left her standing there at the altar rail and squeezed herself onto a front pew. Pilar was alone and defenseless before the crowd.

    And a crowd it was. Every pew was filled to capacity. Both walls were lined with standees, and more clustered at the back before the tall oaken double doors to the church. There were at least five hundred people there, all of them watching her, awaiting her words.

    It is not for me. I am no one. It cannot be for me.


    They are here because they care, or because they bear a guilt like mine. But it is not for me.


    I cannot do this without Father Keane!

    She clamped her lips together and prayed swiftly for strength. The church was silent.

    “You are here,” she faltered, “because you care about the unborn. You have seen and heard and read about the slaughter around us until it has sickened you to the core of your soul. Thinking about it makes you want to rip out your heart. And you want to do something about it. You just don’t know what to do.

    “I must confess this to you: I don’t know what to do either.”

    She waited for a cry of protest. None came.

    “We know what not to do. We know not to do it because we have done it, and it has not worked. Politics. Protest marches. Letter-writing campaigns. Carrying angry signs in front of abortion clinics. We have tried all of that, and the blood still flows.

    “I am not the smartest of women. I clean other people’s houses for a living. I have no husband, no children, and no education. I live in an apartment so small that I must fold up my bed before I can set up a table to eat on. I am no one and nothing.

    “But I am smart enough to know that one does not continue with what does not work. We must try other ways.”

    The crowd’s murmur flowed caressingly over the church walls.

    I must give them what I have, or I have called them together for nothing.

    “I know a woman who stopped an abortion once. She had a friend, not a Catholic, who confided to her that she had betrayed her husband with another man, and had become pregnant. The friend could think only of killing her baby to save her from the shame of her sin. But the friend had never had an abortion, and did not know what to expect. The woman knew, for she had had one, even though she was a Catholic.

    “The woman told her friend of the event, the fear that came before and the terrible shame that gripped her after. She told her friend about being opened to the instrument of death, feeling it enter her and suck out her baby to feed its hunger. She told of the horror, the guilt, the sense of having been disconnected from God. And because she had spoken from her heart, from the truth her sin had etched into her bones, her friend listened, and believed, and changed her mind.”

    A second murmur raced around the room. The attention of the huge crowd was riveted upon Pilar, compelling her to complete the story she had not known she would tell.

    “The woman…” Her voice cracked and fell to a whisper. “The woman who’d had the abortion was me.” She bowed her head.

    There had never been a silence like the one that filled St. Gregory’s in that moment. It was a thing of such palpable grief that it seemed the church might fail to hold it, might burst to let it mushroom through the city, down every street and into every home for miles around.

    Dear God, give me strength enough to face them.

    She looked out once more across the throng that filled the church. The sea of faces was still fixed raptly upon hers. The eyes were uniformly bright with the glitter of tears.

    “So we know…we know it can be done. We know we can reach them, awaken their hearts to what they propose to do to their babies, if we have the truth, and the desire. We will not always succeed. But we know it can be done. And I think this is what we must try.

    “We should talk about our attempts, whether they succeed or fail. We should keep records. We should invite others not of our faith to join us in our efforts. We should be warm to those we counsel, not scold or threaten. We should be good confidants, and good allies, and good friends.

    “That is what I am going to do. It is all I know how to do.” She spread her arms to encompass the gathering. “Will you help me?”

    The church exploded with the thunder of clapping hands and the music of joyous cheers. Dozens of men and women surged forward to embrace Pilar. They lifted her off her feet and bore her aloft, down the center aisle, through the great double doors and into the sunset glow like an icon of life and hope.
    May God bless and keep you, always.

  • asena

    truth is god’s mind.
    we are but little beings with very primitive faculties to perceive the world around us, our perceptions show us only so much. with such a limited understanding, we must not claim to know god’s mind. truth superceeds your thoughts about the truth. i reiterare: truth is god’s mind.

    now language is another story. 8 out of 10 pregnancies self abort. Many miscarry. These people do not lose a child. They lose an undeveloped organism with the potential.

    A dead child is a REAL PERSON, dying in a burn unit because she can’t have skin from embriyonic stem cells. some people ignore the facts and insist god gets upset. can god be this petty?

    god already knows who will survive. why insist on turning ALL of those 2/10 of pregnancies into human beings? why risk women’s lives because an imbecile pharmacist doesn’t understand and egg IS NOT a chicken. a chicken has eyes, lungs, wings, needs, fears. an egg does not have these. an embriyo is no more a child than a baby is an old man with alzheimer’s.

    • asena

      i’ve been through abortion. if you don’t make it into something it’s not, it’s alright.

      i insist: god cannot be this petty.

      Do you know what happens to a baby whose mother “resents” the baby once born and neglects/abuses the little one for the first two years?

      BAM! Psychopath. They cannot bond aanymore: No empathy, no compassion, no consciense.
      not good for lord’s flock i tell you what..