Druid Archpriest Rowan Atkinson will meet Pope Benedict XVI next week in Rome. The archpriest will seek the support of the supreme pontiff for his church’s plans to re-introduce human sacrifice in Britain. Archpriest Atkinson said, ‘Our most important shamans and witchdoctors are in favor of sacrificing disabled children. We believe this is an important ancient tradition which will relieve human suffering, and we are seeking the help of Christians everywhere. We call them to hear the words of their own founder who said, ‘Suffer little children.’
The famous comedian insisted that he was not at this time calling for the ancient Druid custom of cannibalism to be re-instated. ‘We would like to say in some sort of way, however, that errr, we think, at least theologically speaking, that a church that regularly eats the body and blood of it’s founder, at least in principle, in the future, would not be opposed to opening ecumenical discussions on this important and most venerable custom. The women in our church are in favor, at least in some point in the umm perhaps future, if things are open ended to maybe dialogue with the alternative integrities that hold sincerely to opposing positions.’ When asked for clarification the Archpriest said, ‘Umm, clarity is not one of the gifts that the Druids practice. We find clarity to be divisive.’
After his meeting with the leader of quite a few Catholics, the Archpriest will meet with famous Catholics who represent other ancient British faith communities. Bagpipes will be played, ears will be ceremoniously plugged, dreadlocks will be woven, woad will be used to paint faces blue, and the wee ancient kiltie will be donned by Archpriest Atkinson.
Mrs Atkinson was unavailable for comment.