Rev Lav Writes

The Reverend Lavinia Winkett is the Assistant Curate of St Etheldreda’s, Trumpington Down. She is an old girl of St Trinian’s, and a graduate of East Anglia University where she read Political Science and Wimmin’s Studies.

Lavinia is a vegetarian, a member of the Green Party and a founder member of the Ancient Order of Anglican Adamites. She holidays regularly in Malta, loves to walk her Yorkshire Terrier, Dorkin, and likes to wear her own home made clogs.

Dear Friends,

First, I want to thank all of you for giving me such a warm welcome to St Hilda’s and All Saints last Sunday. The shared lunch after Matins at St Hilda’s was simply scrumptious. Many thanks to Mrs. Gateshead for providing the cheese straws, fish paste sandwiches and mini sausage rolls, and thanks to all the ladies of the Mother’s Union for the lashings of hot tea and the delicious plate of golden crunch biscuits (not to mention the ginger nuts) to round off the feast!

I’m sure you will all remember Vicar Blytherington and his wife Daphne in your prayers at this time. You know he’s had a few troubles of late, and Humphrey and Daphne thought it would be awfully nice if they could get together for a second honeymoon in Bournemouth.  Some of you will be aware that Mrs Blytherington has been helping her cousin in Lancashire who recently lost her husband. It’s been a stressful time, so Humpy and Daff will be enjoying an extended leave of absence. While they’re away the Archdeacon and Canon Huffington-Post have asked me to step in.

Everything is so friendly and good hearted at St Hilda’s, but I couldn’t help noticing that despite being named for a female saint both the churchwardens are men. This is hardly the sort of equality our Lord would have expected, so I have asked Mr. Thornton to step down. We thank him for over thirty years of sterling service. My friend and partner Ms. Georgie Samsonite has kindly agreed to step into his shoes.

You know, someone has said, “The gospel is only good news when it is subversive.” Therefore I have decided to teach the whole parish a lesson in humility and the evils of gender role assignment. On Saturday, Ms. Samsonite and I have decided to cancel the annual Sunday School outing to Carpington Manor Zoo and instead we will be having a work day at St Hilda’s. I hope you will all turn up with your tools and in your overalls. Mr. Thornton will be leading the team and playing ‘Mrs Mop’ for the day. I’ve asked him to don rubber gloves, an apron and wellie boots to get down on his knees and scrub the church steps. After all, for thousands of years women have been told that their only place in church is on their knees–either praying or scrubbing the floor.

Just as our Lord turned over the tables in the temple, be prepared for a bit more table turning at St Hilda’s. Some of you may be a bit upset at the changes that are going to happen, but you had better get used to it. I realize it may be painful for some, but we must all remember that, as one famous Christian writer has said, “One cannot make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.”

In the meantime I have some good news to report. The Church of England is going to merge with the Methodists and the Anglo Catholics are going to join the Roman Catholic Church. As another famous Christian writer has said, “The times, they are a-changing.” In my own opinion this will be a good thing. I was brought up as a Methodist so I am glad to be joining with them again. Meanwhile, Anglo Catholics have been unhappy for some time in the Anglican Church and they will now be able to pursue their homophobic, misogynistic religion on their own until they finally die out.

I have also heard another cause for rejoicing. The Church of England is finally going to have women bishops. I, for one, have never understood the objections to women priests. Why should someone be a priest simply because he can grow a beard? At last the Church of England is stepping into the modern age where women have equal rights, just like lawyers and doctors.

I would like to close with this word of encouragement. All of us have times in life when we think things are not going our way. It is at those times that we need to pull ourselves together and say, “It may not be going my way, but I will be doing it my way!” There is nothing that will get us down unless we let it get us down. If we tell ourselves that our luck is about to change we will soon make our luck change. As another famous Christian writer has said, “The harder I work, the luckier I get!”

So best of luck, and let’s work together. Remember, we can make a difference. Yes we can!

Love and Prayers,
Rev. Lav

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  • Gregg Maskell

    This famous christian writer says "sounds like another stimulus package".

  • Jackie

    I wonder if fasting and prayer can change things…..I have a few words to say to her, but I best not say them here .

  • Just another mad Catholic

    I assume that the revrend lav's religion is not religion.

  • Nan

    The hometown of the Christian who said "the times they are a changin' is a pilgrimage site for many; at the same time, they have the opportunity to visit the Greyhound Bus Museum.

  • cookasia

    good grief. Yikes! And heaven forbid….

  • doctoreric

    Something doesn't add up. Rev. Lav wrote: "Many thanks to Mrs. Gateshead for providing the cheese straws, fish paste sandwiches and mini sausage rolls, and thanks to all the ladies of the Mother's Union for the lashings of hot tea and the delicious plate of golden crunch biscuits (not to mention the ginger nuts) to round off the feast!"Yet her bio insists that she's a vegan.

  • Fr Longenecker

    Rev Lav insisted on those vegetarian sausage rolls, and she was willing to overlook the fish paste sandwiches this once.

  • Irving Douglas Estella

    If I am not mistaken, the "famous Christian writer" who said, "One cannot make an omelette without breaking a few eggs" was none other than Joseph Stalin, who spoke in reference to his atrocities committed in the name of modernizing Soviet Russia!

  • David Lindsay

    "Anglo Catholics … homophobic"Really…?

  • Paul

    Is this the real Rev Lav? one down)

  • Paul

    Oh……and the comment, "Why should someone be a priest simply because he can grow a beard?", is a bit sexist. Several of the female priests I know, could too…

  • the Egyptian

    they will now be able to pursue their homophobic, misogynistic religion on their own until they finally die out.How Droll Father, just pricelessand I love this one too Archdeacon and Canon Huffington-Post meanwhile at a manor house, the Vicar, quivering in a wing chair next to a fire, with a large whiskey in his palsied hand, sobbing to his dear Daphne, "Bbbbbut, they said Virgina dearest, honestly I am sure they said Virginia.

  • shadowlands

    I'd like to shove her fish paste sarnies in her face.I hate women like that. They're like Nazis.Hate to always be sounding like the evangelical or Baptist,( no I don't, I like it )but this is why I appreciate my teenage religious 'formative' years, because no-one could ever have got away with saying: 'a famous Christian writer said' without quoting a bit of scripture to back it up. They would have been hoyed out (picked up by the scruff of the neck and removed).That's why, converted Baptists are hard to con!But some cradle Catholics ( of which, I am one, but didn't learn my catechism) are not. And that's why, I've got Catholic cousins who visit spiritualist Churches periodically, and don't understand that they are of the devil!!As Catholics,we need our evangelical brethren to show us what spiritual warfare looks like on the front lines, they never had the sacraments, they had to work on faith alone!!So let's start loving them, and fulfill John 17:6-19.I won't bother saying what the scripture refers to, because obviously all the catholics who read Father's blog are well versed, scripturally, therefore making my comments moribund haha!

  • Dominic Mary

    doctoreric;more to the point, if she was really true to her feminist principles, she'd surely have refused to accept such a 'sexist' repast as one prepared exclusively by women !Irving Douglas Estella;but what's the problem – he was (in)famous, and was a Christian (well, he was a Seminarist once) – you're just being painfully literally minded !Fr Dwight;nice to see Fr Hack getting a mention – even if it in the mouth of such a termagant !

  • Natasa

    I bet she will crack quite a few eggs in order to make the parish more 'Christian'.

  • doctoreric

    Good one, Dominic Mary. I didn't catch that! :-D

  • chiralcapers

    Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I have contemplated murder.Anthony OPL

  • Maureen

    Well, I'm sorry to see poor St Hilda under the rule of Rev Lav, even temporarily, and she's clearly going to be pretty hard on the health of the congregation. But I'm glad to see that the Vicar saw sense and fled to the wife of his bosom!

  • Elizabeth from Sussex

    Just love the 'Rev Lav' bit!

  • Mark

    Seems an bit sexist and maybe even illegal to fire someone because they are a man. I spent plenty of time cleaning floors, cleaning stalls in the barn, doing laundry and even cooking for myself growing up. I am a man (as did my Dad). So I'm not sure what she means by women being on their knees for thousands of years in the kitchen or praying. I'd say about half my bosses have been women. Lastly, the best place for all of us in on our knees praying.

  • Fr Longenecker

    Mark, I'm afraid Rev Lav has swallowed the feminist line and actually thinks she's doing the church a favor.

  • Joshua

    Of course I don't approve of women 'priests' (a contradiction in terms) – but seriously, has anyone ever met a nice, pious one? I seem to recall there is one pro-life lady vicar in England who does good work in that cause (she was herself born with a cleft palate, so protests vigorously against the common practice aborting babies with congenital defects), but all the rest I've ever heard of are almost as stereotypically bad as Rev Lav.

  • Arkanabar T’verrick Ilarsadin

    My word, how does a woman get so vindictive, petty, and dictatorial?