Rev Lav on Red Hair

The Reverend Lavinia Winkett is the Assistant Curate of St Etheldreda’s, Trumpington Down. She is an old girl of St Trinian’s, and a graduate of East Anglia University where she read Political Science and Wimmin’s Studies.

Lavinia is a vegetarian, a member of the Green Party and a founder member of the Ancient Order of Anglican Adamites. She holidays regularly in Malta, loves to walk her overweight mixed breed terrier, Dworkin, and likes to wear her own home made clogs.

Dear Friends,

I’m glad to have this opportunity to write the From the Vicar’s Desk letter in the parish magazine again this month. Humphrey and Daphne are enjoying their little break and hope to return to the parish soon with their batteries charged and ready to lead the sisters and brothers in this faith community once more.

Well, now we are in the midst of our Lenten journey once more. This year you will have seen that the Sunday School children have constructed a Lenten Desert scene in what used to be the ‘Lady Chapel.’ I was inclined to leave the Lady Chapel as it was until Humpy and Daff returned, but my partner, Ms. Georgie Samsonite made the very real point that I was perhaps put in this place and at this time to accomplish somewhat of a little Reformation.

As a result, during the church clean up (at which the former churchwarden, Mr. Thornton– wearing a ceremonial apron and yellow rubber gloves–scrubbed the church steps very nicely) we also removed the image of ‘Our Lady’ and put it safely in the boiler room. The altar with it’s rather sentimental and tasteless images of angels was also put down there out of harm’s way. You’ll see that this has made room for a wonderful Lenten desert scene complete with cacti and thorn bushes. Mathilda Scrubb brought some dried cow dung to finish the scene, and the Amnesty International display on the lack of reproductive health care for women in the developing world rounds off our meditation for Lent. I encourage you all to pay a prayerful visit!

The Lenten Desert scene naturally draws our mind to the desert our world will become as global warming begins to take over. England’s green and pleasant land will become a dust bowl, and an article in today’s paper makes for even more alarming reading. It seems that our friends north of the border have red hair because of the damp, cold and rainy weather conditions. The red haired Scotsman in his ‘wee kiltie’ and sporran and a shock of unruly, but attractive red hair is something that warms the heart of many an English lass. We can only draw the obvious conclusion that this will also be one of the casualties as the result of global warming, which (should have been) President Al Gore of the United States has told us about. The disappearance of the red haired Scotsman is an ‘inconvenient truth’ to be sure!

There is some good news however. If current legislation goes through it won’t be long before people of a homosexual inclination will be granted their full human rights and be allowed to marry in church. If this happens while I am still at St Hilda’s I know exactly what we will do with the old ‘Lady Chapel’. It will become a wedding chapel especially dedicated to our friends who have committed no crime except to be attracted to members of their own gender.

Thank you all for your warm welcome to St Hilda’s, and don’t forget the special Lentils for Lent lentil soup and cheese suppers. Bring your own home made loaves, and next week I’ll be leading a discussion on the ancient churching of women ceremonies of the Celtic rite.

Yr friend,
Lav

About Fr. Dwight Longenecker
  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10503510474554718305 Just another mad Catholic

    please please can we have humphrey and daphne back……. If I read much more of the winkett I shall be wrinkled as she resembles so perfectly the last chaplincy leader (methodist) of my University's faith space, oh the things we had to do in order to be allowed to celebrate Mass there, new chap is much better, more humphrey and saner (as much as an anglican can be sane mindyou).

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06962374096401238994 shadowlands

    "The altar with it's rather sentimental and tasteless images of angels was also put down there out of harm's way."Hahahahahaha!!!Daphne will blow a gasket when she gets back and sees the Lady Chapel replaced with the Desert scene! Humphrey will have needed his break.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00567101757750678643 Joel

    "If current legislation goes through…"Ha ha. This is gold.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18270531320829460035 John

    Such exquisite attention to detail!The absurd conclusions drawn from absurd 'research.' I hope readers are following the link. You'd almost swear that was parody too! Emily Pritchard and Lavinia Winkett certainly inhabit the same universe: "The PhD student from the MRC Human Genetics Unit at the Western General Hospital, admitted her research “was speculation rather than scientific study, but it is plausible”."And signing off with "Yr friend, Lav." Brilliant!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16605545304782841038 Swift

    Canon Winkett?!Father, you are evil. But very, very funny.The real life version is about the same.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18190677195600293017 Katy

    What is with the "ancient Celtic" references I keep seeing and hearing from people of this point of view anyway? Is it an attraction to a sort of British Isles pagan mystery religion?

  • http://doctoreric.wordpress.com doctoreric
  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07215093180074844386 the Egyptian

    Father I have to ask, do you see a picture and come up with a caricature to go with it or does the story just lie in wait for the picture to appear. I cannot imagine that you write the story and then go looking for the image, they just match the person so well, I mean really you wrote Mantilla Amontilladoor or Caitlin O'Rourke before you found the pictures? they are so perfect

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12373317560249811006 Fr Longenecker

    Egyptian–some of both: I saw the pictures for the Vicar and Caitlin O'Rourke on The Crescat blog and the characters jumped into my mind. I thought of Todd Unctuous and went looking for a picture of a dumb guy. Same with Duane Mandible. I was cooking up a feisty Catholic lady who was going to be called Mrs Brady, Catholic old lady when I thought up 'Mantilla the Hon' and then went looking for a picture. Once I found the picture Mantilla became a young Catholic Spanish good looker. Rev Lav was already a character as part of The Vicar's world, and then I happened upon her picture and knew I was looking at the real Lavinia Winkett…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14313101159848740722 GOR

    “The red haired Scotsman in his 'wee kiltie' and sporran and a shock of unruly, but attractive red hair is something that warms the heart of many an English lass.”Hmm… I think the Rev. Lav’s slip is showing.Is she perhaps a… er… um… closet heterosexual…???

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12594214770417497135 Suburbanbanshee

    Re: resistant to anesthesiaI'm resistant to anesthesia. I must be a latent redhead! :)Re: Lav"If you put the statue down in the boiler room, it will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."Re: Celtic People have the illusion that not much is known about Celtic stuff, and that therefore they can say whatever they like about the Church in Celtic lands. Unfortunately, if you do any amount of primary or secondary research, you find out that there's a good deal known, and that most of it is not particularly "progressive". In fact, you find out that Celtic spirituality is all about freezing your tuckus and feet in damp cold weather, walking barefoot on sharp rocks so you really could feel that penitence, shuffling around all night in caves to stay awake and pray, etc.Well, and beautiful art too. But the way an Irish poet composed was by laying down with a heavy rock on his/her chest, making up a poem mentally, and getting the whole thing by heart before morning. It was all like that, and brings a whole new meaning to "suffering for your art".Of course, there were amusing things like how abbots were very powerful and bishops were several per monastery because they were just monastery functionaries, in the early Celtic church. And of course there were many great abbesses and nuns and such. But none of it can be interpreted the Rev Lav way, unless you pull it out of your imagination instead of the sources.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12594214770417497135 Suburbanbanshee

    Maybe Humphrey or Daphne knows some redheaded guy….

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03833731819185729397 zadoka

    The Rev. Lav Winkett writes: "I have only a few days before Humph and Daff return, when possibly Fr Eisenhower B. Hackenbacker will be invited to preach. I wonder whether he will bring along his troupe of Walsingham Matildas?Walsingham Matilda,Walsingham Matilda,You'll come to Walsingham, Matilda with me.As we walk along the Holy Milea-swinging of our thuribles -you'll come to Walsingham, Matilda, with me."


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