A New Solution for the Sign of Peace

Ladies, are you sometimes disappointed with your hubby’s response to those weepy chick flicks you like so much? Does he yawn and scratch just when the girl is about to get her man? Even worse, has he dropped off to sleep? Is he snoring?

Does he prefer Monday night football to a nice gossip about children and who is going out with whom? Does he do manly things like hunt little baby deer and repair the lawnmower in the living room and drink beer with his buddies? Is he unconcerned about the really important things like the color of new drapes, selecting wallpaper and shopping at the mall?

Maybe you need a new product that has just come out in Europe. It’s a handy hormone spray that promises to make your man more sensitive and cuddly. You can read about it here.

This could be the solution to the world’s wars. Instead of spraying the enemy with machine gun bullets just roar over with a crop duster and douse them with the new hormone spray that makes men go all cuddly and sentimental and lovey dovey.

The army chaplains could have a special role in this. Once both sides are doused with the hormone cuddly spray the padre could jump up from the foxhole and cry out, “Let us share with one another the sign of peace!” Both armies would down their weapons and rush out into the field to hug one another.

For that matter, it could be just the solution for those uptight traddy congregations…you know the folks who look like part of the Eucharistic fast is to suck a lemon for an hour. The handy hormone spray could be produced in an incense form and when the thurifer comes down the aisle swinging the smoke, everyone would inhale the feel good hormone and suddenly all the rad trads would be swaying and singing, “We are one in the Spirit We are one in the Lord Bind us Together Lord Bind us Together He will raise us up on eagles wings here I am Lord it is I Lord…”

About Fr. Dwight Longenecker
  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06962374096401238994 shadowlands

    The previous school chaplain at my son's school was an ex RAF Anglican Vicar. He used to watch the pupils go into Mass, at school. If they didn't show resprct on entering the chapel, he would march down and throw them up against the wall, saying "This is the house of God! Show some respect!" Now, as a mother of sons, that's my kind of guy! He didn't suffer fools…………….I hate soppy romantic mushy films.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04446241126728692642 Paul Stilwell

    A thurifer simply would not work.There would have to be huge tanks of the stuff and it would have to be administered by fire hoses (straight to the face) in order for it to be effective.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10089966358732741291 Matt

    my favorite way to deal with the kiss of peace?Smile, keep your hands folded, and say: "Pax Domini sit semper vobiscum"You get some awfully strange looks from the hippies

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00193824591144487151 Hermannn

    Father, have you been into the frankincense again?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09011063783466945979 Michael

    Did your wife leave the Ladies Home Journal in the bathroom again?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09192266454479639329 Ismael

    "This could be the solution to the world's wars. Instead of spraying the enemy with machine gun bullets just roar over with a crop duster and douse them with the new hormone spray that makes men go all cuddly and sentimental and lovey dovey."This reminds me of the episode of South Park called 'South Park is gay', where 'crab-people' try to conquer the world by making people 'metro-sexual' XD

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16185810008704682978 Coffee Catholic

    Hmmm. I always thought my traddy lemon-face had to do with the fact that I was struggling so hard to stay awake at Mass. I either need that ex-RAF guy to shake me awake or, instead of cuddly fumes, some strong black coffee sloshed from the thurifer!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/07932665331766567610 jedesto

    It may be too much to expect everyone to agree about exchanging the Sign of Peace, but surely the time is ripe to revive the SMMMHDH*.* Society for a Moratorium on the Music of Marty Haugen and David Haas

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17691145638703824456 kkollwitz

    "the new hormone spray that makes men go all cuddly and sentimental and lovey dovey."Then we'll also need some testosterone spray for the women, otherwise how will the leaking toilet get fixed and the flat changed?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/18047225919036250163 Robert H

    I am not sure what the connection is between the Sign of Peace and this spray, or why anyone with an authentic, as opposed to intellectual understanding of catholic theology would denigrate the Sign of Peace. For one thing the Sign of Peace was the sign Jesus used to seal his relationship with us. That makes it sacred. Furthermore Catholics, as opposed to protestants, believe that while salvation and redemption is an individual and personal event, it is only fully authentic, or even possible, in community; hence the term ‘Body of Christ. Ironically this is where the Church most fails His flock. I remember being very young and still living in my father’s original neighborhood. It was an organic community where most people knew each other, many were related, and many lived within easy walking distance of the church. The community was something natural and needed no nurturing. However that is not the world we live in today, and the church has done a poor job indeed adjusting to that fact. Where the evangelicals have cleaned our clock is that they provide a true church community and aggressively nurture it. The Sign of Peace is the one thing we do to make any effort to create a community beyond our immediate family and perhaps a small circle of friends. It is sad, and profoundly misguided, to mock it. I have lived in a number of parishes and for the most part there has been little, if any, effort to welcome new people, quite the contrary. The so-called shepherds make little notice of anyone new in their ‘communities’ and usually do that handshake thing where they pull you along as if to say ‘just move along, there are people I actually want to talk with’. They have plenty of time for the usual suspects. Most parishioners are there for their own salvation without realizing there is no such thing.


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