Ed Blanch on Jesus

Guest blogger Ed Blanch writes for knotRED– the Intercollegiate Marxist Review. An activist with the Occupy Chick-Fil-A movement, he is also a member of Citizens for Rap Music. He comments regularly on the PETA website and blogs at There’s No Sky Fairy. Ed is a sophomore at North Jersey College of Technology majoring in media studies.

It was really interesting in my comparative religions class to learn that there is practically no evidence that Jesus Christ of Nazareth ever really existed. My professor of the comparative religion class, Robert McBrien (who used to be a Catholic preist so he should know) said that when you study the gospels you soon realize that they are meths. (Meths are fantasy stories made up by people who are high on drugs.) The evidence that they are simply fairy tales made up by ignorant people long ago is nowhere to be found. I mean, there’s just no evidence that Jesus of Nazareth existed at all.

Take for example the fact that there are only four gospels. If Jesus was so famous and so important why are there only four accounts of his life? What kind of evidence is that? So the gospels record ‘eyewitness’ accounts. There’s no evidence for that, and anyway everybody knows that eyewitnesses are biased and limited. They can only record what they’ve seen. What kind of evidence is that? Nothing. Plus these gospels were written a very long time after this Jesus was supposed to have lived. It was like almost forty years after his life. It was such a long time that many people made up lots of extra stories about him. That is ever weirder that they made up so many stories about somebody that didn’t even ever exist.

But that is the way all religions are started–someone has a dream, then they tell stories about it, then other people pass the stories on and it gets way exaggerratted and before long they have made somebody who was just an ordinary religious teacher who died as a martyr–but there’s no evidence he even existed at all–they make him into a god who was born from an immaculate conception. Then before long someone else comes along and realizes there is some money to be made out of it.

Everybody knows that there were virgin birth stories and god man stories all over the ancient world. It was something they did back then and everybody then was much more ignorant than we are now and they believed all that crap about walking on the water and rising from the dead and everything else. Dr. McBrien was telling us how his wife who is called Jean Chittester who used to be a nun had done some research and found out that Mary Magdalene was not really from a town called Magdala and she was probably the first priestess, but the Catholic Church suppressed it. It’s all there in the Gospel of Mary Magdalene which is a very trustworthy and true account of what really happened in the early church.

So then they try to say that the gospels match up with the geography of that place where Jesus was supposed to live and that it matches up with the Jewish customs and Roman politics of the time, but how do they know that? What kind of evidence is that? Anybody could do some research and put those facts together. If you’re writing a fiction book that’s exactly what you do. You don’t make things up for fiction. You have to do your research, and that’s what they did. They got some facts right to make it seem more realistic.

Like I say, the gospels themselves cannot be trusted to be historical. There’s just no evidence. How can they be historical when nobody checked the internet to see if their facts were correct? Because duh. They didn’t have the internet back then so they couldn’t check it, so how did they know what they were writing? They didn’t. They just made it all up. When are people going to grow up and stop being such gullible ignorant people who believe whatever somebody tells them rather than thinking it through? See you have to take someone’s word for it. Like Robert McBrien my professor says, “In the end we make our own truth.” That man is really profound.

Besides, they were written by people who had an agenda. They wanted to convert people to Jesus Christ so they made him into some kind of miracle worker to convince people. You can’t trust propaganda. Plus there are so many miracles in the stories. Everybody knows that you can’t walk on water. Dr McBrien explained how feeble the gospels are as history. Did you know they only have several hundred ancient manuscripts of the New Testament, and they are all written in Greek or Hebrew or Latin. How dumb is that? Jesus didn’t even speak those languages. He spoke Arabic. So how could they be accurate? Clearly they were made up hundreds of years after the events that didn’t happen and were totally fabricated.

Even if Jesus did exist he didn’t die and rise from the dead. I went to see that movie about the DaVinci Code by Don Brown and it shows the real story that happened. Jesus married Mary Magdalene and went to live in France and started a dynasty of kings and died there. You can see pictures of his tomb in a church in France if you look on the internet. Of course it was all covered up by the Catholic Church who have a lot of secret assassins who help keep things like that quiet.

It’s the Catholic Church who first produced all this religious stuff about Jesus when he never existed in the first place. It’s a way to con innocent people and get them to donate their money. Like miracles of bleeding statues and the Virgin Mary appearing in the sky and lighting candles for your dead grandmother. What evidence is there? None.

For readers who are confused or upset by Ed’s remarks and would like to learn more about him go here.

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  • Julie

    Enjoyed it, Father. Not to difficult to guess where you got the inspiration for this character. Sadly, all you had to do was copy and paste previous posters. I wonder if they recognize themselves and realize how ridiculous they sound!

  • Barbara B.

    You had me going for the first couple of paragraphs!

  • DJ

    Your evangelical roots are showing, Dwight: If you can’t answer questions, ridicule them.

  • savvy

    You don’t have a sense of humour. Too bad.

  • http://awomansplaceis.blogspot.com Cam

    Wow… That was kind of like being in my Biblical Literature class (taught by an “ex” Christian Brother) a decade ago. I was actually considered myself both agnostic and a communist for years after that class. And now I feel pretty dumb for falling for it… even at 18…

  • http://awomansplaceis.blogspot.com Cam

    I should add, that that’s an awesomely accurate take on what we heard Father!

  • http://TheCatholicBeat.com Gail Finke

    That sounds like some high school students I know… and combox trolls. You have such a great ability with voices, Father! When do we get to hear Todd Unctious again?

  • vox borealis

    who used to be a Catholic preist

    Brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

  • Mm

    Loved the Robert McBrien part, although I would have had Ed attending the Jersey Shore College of Technology.

  • mike cliffson

    Fr : Ed is writing better English and presenting his arguments more coherently, and it’s not hard to see where he’s getting it from.
    If I may make so bold, give him some elderberry wine before his next post, to help bring out his basic incoherence more forcefully.

  • http://bibliocentric.com/ Josh Mann

    Maybe we should “occupy” some logic. Then move onto bigger fish (i mean chicken) like Chick-fil-a

    Josh Mann


  • David N

    Brilliant as always. I presume Ed, Todd and his ilk sell their writings to the Fishwrap? Now that would be a giggle….. Except it would be agreed with and taken seriously there.

  • http://houseofcantor.blogspot.com John Cantor

    If Jesus never existed, how’d he get to speak Arabic? :D

  • Jim

    Thankyou ‘Father’ Longenecker for having the courage to post Ed’s insightful overview of current New Testament scholarship. His media studies background allow him to introduce modern elements such as the Da Vinci Code.
    Please pass my best wishes to Ed who is a credit to American education.

  • http://jessicahof.wordpress.com/ Jessica Hoff

    That is hilarious Father – until I realised he must have taught my religious education teacher! Love your blog :)

  • SteveD

    I was exchanging comments with someone on Youtube who assured me that the Inquisition killed 50 million people all slowly and after months of torture (labour intensive, or what?) and that every Catholic church has a torture chamber in the basement. Ed seems positively well informed in comparison.

  • http://yahoo.com Mike from Toronto Kanada

    “No one knows if this Jesus Christ existed, and if he did, NOTHING is known about him!”
    “Why I am not a christian” Bertrand Russell 1928

  • Don Pedro

    crap, who told him about the secret assasins? Now everyone is going to know.

  • Jim

    The secret assasins were so numerous and secretive that they killed 50 million people and nobody noticed. It all fits together, don’t you see?

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    To what are you referring regarding 50 million deaths? The Chinese communist revolution, the millions killed by Joseph Stalin or Pol Pot?

  • SteveD

    I think that you are missing the joke here, Father!