Todd Unctuous on Chick-Fil-A

Guest blogger Todd Unctuous is top commentator for MSM. With a degree in Media Studies from Scranton Community College, Todd writes for many papers and websites, and is known for his incisive writing, objective reporting and razor sharp comment.

Have you noticed that the people who cling to their Bibles and their guns are also clinging to their Chick-Fil-A sandwiches? Tomorrow we are told by Mike Huckabee–a devout Catholic with seven children and Governor Rick Santorum–who is a right wing Evangelical Christian–that everyone should go to Chick-Fil-A restaurants to support their founder Mr ‘Chatty’ Cathy in his hate campaign against homosexual people.

If you are feeling in the mood tomorrow for some chicken junk food and waffle fries don’t bother going to Chick-Fil-A tomorrow because the parking lot will be filled up with pick up trucks with gun racks, big guys wearing ball caps and flannel shirts and their hefty wives with long hair, bucked teeth and denim skirts. The fundamentalist red necks will be out in force to show their support for Sarah Palin, gospel music and hunting. Their trailer trash children will be crowding the place slurping sodas, gobbling junk food and sucking on ice cream goodies and all in the name of their oppressive and hate-filled religion. You might go if you like banjo music. Otherwise stay at home.

What I can’t stand about these people is that they are always making generalizations about others in society. They are intolerant of others. They constantly mock the dress, speech and lifestyle choices of other people. And that shouldn’t be allowed. Why should Chick-Fil-A use their capitalist strong arm tactics to attempt to pressure the American populace politically? This blatant attempt to co-erce voters and use financial muscle to influence a hot button issue must be resisted. Why should one food chain bully everyone else? The resistance should be led by Starbucks, who have taken an open minded and positive position towards homosexual persons in their support for gay marriage.

I do not, myself, have a particular opinion about the question of gay marriage per se. Two of my good friends named Ben and Jerry are homosexual and I can’t see why they should be picked out and bullied just because they have made different lifestyle choices than other people. Why should they be bullied just because they are interior decorators? Predictably, it is the Catholics who have led the most recent assault against homosexual people. Reverend Mike Huckabee and Rick Warren are two prominent Catholic leaders who have stood up against gay marriage saying, “We are all Catholics now.” History shows that the Catholics were in favor of slavery, the subjugation of women and they killed millions in the Spanish Inquisition. The Catholics were behind the genocide in Rwanda and the Pope (who wears Pravda red slippers) is personally responsible for the AIDS epidemic. It has also been revealed that Adolph Hitler was Catholic. And so was Andy Warhol. Why should we expect them to be kind and loving to homosexual people?

I am not myself a religious person, but I do respect those who have a strong faith like the singer Madonna, who has not only chosen a religious stage name, but is very devoted to the ancient  Jewish lore called Quanabalism. Also Tom Cruise and John Travolta who is a very devoted religious believer. Although I am not religious person, I remember the pictures of probably one of our finest presidents, Bill Clinton, standing on the White House steps with a Bible under his arm talking to a preacher. This was after he was hounded by a vast right wing conspiracy because of his involvement with a White House intern who had clearly entrapped him.  Bill Clinton showed the nation what it meant to honestly admit a mistake and he sought help and spiritual guidance in his time of need.

The founder of Chick-Fil-A should follow Bill Clinton’s example and learn to say ‘Sorry’ to all the homosexual people he has offended. He should realize that there is simply no need for him to be involved. This is a personal matter between consenting adults. Other restaurant chain owners have not exerted financial pressure on voters. Colonel Sanders who is also a chicken restaurant celebrity from the deep South has not gone public against homosexuals. He has been silent. Mr Cathy should also learn to be silent and not be so ‘chatty’. He should know that this is a matter of public importance and that personal opinions are not relevant.

It is time for religion to get out of our hospitals, our government, our schools and our fast food restaurants. We are for separation of Church and State. By all means let us exercise freedom of worship. How you choose to spend your time on Sunday mornings is your business, the rest of the week and the rest of the country doesn’t belong to you, Mr Cathy the Catholic.

Stop trying to force your religion on the rest of us!

Todd Unctuous is forty-two.

For those who find Todd’s post disconcerting or controversial take time to learn more about him here.



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  • suzy

    Brilliant, I’d share this on my FB page, but unfortunately, some people wouldn’t recognize that it’s a joke, and wouldn’t get the irony. I shudder at the degree to which media brainwashing seems to have had an effect on even some of my brightest friends and family.

  • Andy

    When you are bad at satire, you make yourself look ignorant.

  • Douglas Fo

    I am not saying that this guy doesn’t have a point; he does about people who on the left who are blissfully unaware of sterotyping the opposition. However, he seems blissfully unaware that in doing that, he’s sterotyping the opposition; which undermines his point more than just a little.

    (1): Objective?????? Not hardly
    (2):”History shows that the Catholics were in favor of slavery, the subjugation of women and they killed millions in the Spanish Inquisition.”

    Other than the word millions, this is objectively true. This is mocking the opposition for telling the truth, truth certain people would rather ignore. At to this ‘millions’ thing, yes there’s more than just a few Anti-papists(particularly Wiccans) that throw around vastly inflated figures, and they are an embarrassment.The actual figure, while severly downplayed by the Catholic Church as under 5,000; was still, under best estimate of historians who attempt objectivity, between 20,000 and 50,000 and most were from oubliette style neglect rathar than torture or execution.

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    For the truth on the Spanish Inquisition go to this BBC documentary:

  • Alice C. Linsley

    You nailed it! : )

  • Anon

    I was really confused and then I got to the “History shows” part and (being the history nerd I am) I was like…”Oh!!!! You so funny!”

  • Noe

    Boychick…please leave the Community College Community ALONE. It is far more telling about higher education that many an ivy-league university produces such easily-parodied swill.

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    Good point!

  • mike cliffson

    I never realized. Tod and Ed MUST be blood relations! I await more posts from either and both with bated breath.Never have I so much regretted being financially(we’re skint) and geographically (pond’s i’ the way)unable to take the tribe (all 13) to a Chickafilla for nosh! The crunchycon frisson whilst feeding on french fries! Our Sunday mass obligation fulfilled feeding on fowl! Not guileless folkhyms but beefy banjos!
    I drool!

  • JL

    Warning, Vermonter incoming!
    Ben & Jerry are both heterosexual, I went to school with Ben’s kid, and have friends who went to school with Jerry’s. And the ice cream is delicious.

    Also, we’ve been boycotting Chick Fil-A for quite some time now, (or would be if they had any locations in Vermont), since they decided that “Eat More Kale” resembles “Eat Mor Chikin”, and decided to sue a local farmer.

    This whole boycott Chick-Fil-A is old news to us.

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    Why on earth did you get the idea that Todd Unctuous was referring to the ice cream manufacturers Ben and Jerry?

  • AnneG

    Fr, Todd always gets you in trouble! What is the text abbreviation for some people have no sense of humor?
    Also, no French Fries at Chick-fil-a, they have waffle fries. We’ll go there tomorrow for lunch!

  • The Egyptian

    and if you watch the linked youtube Fr posted, the British killed far more in the service of the crown, cleansing the empire of papists, all over Henry VIII love of tarts ;>)

    Sorry Fr should have said Wives

  • JL

    Where I’m from, if the names Ben and Jerry are put together, it could only mean ice cream. Plus, I have know people also decided to boycott their ice cream after they renamed Chubby Hubby “Hubby Hubby” when Vermont legalized same-sex marriage, and I wasn’t sure if that was somehow related.

    I apologize for the miss-assumption and subsequent confusion.

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    I was being ironical. I knew about Ben and Jerry’s pro-gay ice cream and was kidding.

  • gene

    While i have no real opinion on this matter, all the man did was state his beliefs. If some are offended, so be it. He has rights to speech like the rest of us. My main issue is with your “reporting” that has got to be the largest pile of pig crap i have ever seen. Completely unobjective, and one sided, hypocritical, and full of mainly untrue stereotypes. The capitalist system will decide who is right and wrong. As for you, you are a disgrace to all journalist, i hope you go to a chick fil a tomorrow and spout youre garbage to the largest redneck you can find. He will make sure you aren’t able to again. I think ill eat there for all three meals tomorrow, because i like good chicken

  • The Ubiquitous

    When reading Mr. Unctious’ columns, I imagine researchers four hundred years from now arguing almost as vociferously whether this was serious or written in jest. Each side will point to the obvious errors, the over-the-top tone, the errors in argument and his simple, stupid demagougery to support their side of the argument.

  • Ken Jones

    42, eh?
    At least he knows the meaning of life.

  • mike cliffson

    ¡Buen provecho!
    Bon appetit!
    Enjoy your meal !
    The lord will reward anyone who ever does anything right, one way or another, but just as the USA reamins important in this day and age as a trailblazer for good or evil and both, I’d hope he sees fit to allow a considerable MATERIAL advantage in publicly supporting marriage and life, “pour encorager les autres”.

  • Fr. Dwight Longenecker

    Gene, I think you need to go back to the post, go to the bottom and click the link for those who are concerned about Todd’s views.

  • Julie

    I’ve read some Unqtuous-esque AP stories on Catholic matters. So I can see how some people can get confused! There really is profound ignorance out there. Catholics particularly get a laugh out of the millions killed by the Inquisition, and Hitler was a Catholic lines. How many times have we read these assertions in comboxes? Too many to count! And try to tell the liars the truth? They won’t let go of their falsehoods. It is hard to break through bigotry. I love the Todd Unctuous write ups and the comments afterward.

  • Jeff

    Great article, Fr. D. It made my morning!

  • Jim

    A concise expose of the Catholic church’s baleful influence in western society, from the millions dead and tortured by Torrequebrada himself to the Catholic control of hospitals, government, schools and fast food restaurants. Not only do they cause AIDS in Africa but they are responsible for obesity in America.

    Is Cathy the Catholic, whom Todd mentions in his penultimate line, a new guest writer?

  • Al DelG

    I tried to eat lunch at a Chik-fil-A in a local mall here in the Maryland D.C. suburbs, but the line was several dozen people long, stretching down most of the food court. The customers included people from many different ethnic backgrounds (not all flannel shirt and ball cap types). None of the other vendors had anything close to this number of customers.

    It looks like the smear campaign may be backfiring badly.

  • savvy

    The difference is no church document, not opinion piece, says these things were OK. Yes, practise is not always the same as doctrine.

  • gabe

    George Marsden, a historian of religion, wrote a great piece about the rise of Christian fundamentalism in America. Certainly applies here. Worth reading, for those interested:

  • savvy

    This post reflects the hyperbole that people like Marsden present.

  • melissa

    The trouble with writing satire about the left and the Media is that it is almost impossible to write satire outrageous enough to be more outrageous than they really are.

  • Doug Fo

    What is false about Hitler being Catholic? He was baptized, confirmed, and not excommunicated.