Mantilla the Hon on Papabile

Guest blogger Mantilla Amontillado is the founder of Veritas Vestments. She holds a degree in Ecclesiastical Haberdashery from Salamanca University. She has done the pilgrimage to Santiago de Compostella three times on horseback and is engaged to the famous matador, Senor Augusto Torquemada.

OK Hon, I know Mantilla’s a nobody. I don’t do nothing but make birettas and maybe a few vestments for my priests friends, but I been looking at the men who maybe this week are going to be the new pope and let me tell you hon, they are one set of hot contenders you know what I mean? They are so fantastico! I almost don’t care too much which one is elected because he is going to be a good pope.

OK Hon, it is true, my favorite is Cardinal Canizares. He’s the Spaniard and they called him Little Ratzinger because he is little, but also because he knows about liturgy and how a priest is supposed to dress you know what I mean? He’s not going to be going around wearing some kind of polyester poncho with grapes on it. You know? Like I say before, a priest is a bit like the bullfighter and the el toro is maybe a bit like the black devil with horns and everything. Let me tell you hon, you got to dress up right if you are going to fight the devil.

El toro don’t respect my fiancĂ© Augusto if he come into the ring wearing jeans and a T-shirt. No. He got to wear the matador outfit with the little tight pants and the stockings and slippers and sequin jacket. Then el toro respect him. Its the same with the priest hon. The devil expects him to dress up, and the higher he is in the church the more he got to wear the right clothes. Little Ratzinger, he knows what he’s doing.

The other one is that Cardinal Ranjith from India or somewhere like that. He doesn’t do half way and he when he turns up the devil knows he means business. I have seen another one too. It is the man named Burke from America. Sometime he turn up in the cappa magna–hon it amazing! Like a football field sized red cape! When I see the cappa magna I am saying to myself, “Si! Si! that is like the matdor’s cape for taunting El Toro, and the cappa magna that the cardinal wears–that is like the cape to taunt El Diablo.

So what is Mantilla thinking? I tell you. Mantilla is thinking it don’t matter if the new pope knows how to hold a board meeting. It don’t matter nothing if the pope is some kind of Twitter man or if he be nice to everybody. What really matters is if he knows how to wear the clothes and maybe even bring back the triple tiara. That’s what I think. You want to spread the faith you got to get people to look up to the Holy Father, and to do that he’s got to look good.

What? you are telling me that your friend is the secretary to Cardinal Canizares? You think maybe he will be pope? Then maybe they will put in a big order with Mantilla and we can throw out all those polyester ponchos and get them something more classy. What you think? Maybe we are going to have to hire some new people to make all these vestments. Good idea hon! We can hire some of those modern nuns who quit the convents and need a job. Fantastico!

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