New York, NY – Fox News propagandist Tucker Swanson McNear Carlson is upset over the color choices of his favorite breakfast cereal. Froot Loops, with its iconic “Toucan Sam,” has been around since 1963, but has never faced such ire until now. Speaking on his show, Tucker Carlson Tonight, the sour-faced nincompoop had this to say: “And what’s going on with Froot Loops? In today’s woke era where everything has to be inclusive, the leftist-leaning cereal company is catering to... Read more
Mt. Vernon, VA – George Washington, at one point a favorite among conservatives, is facing harsh criticism for introducing smallpox vaccine mandates for the US Army. The move, while controversial, makes the most sense to Washington, who recently Tweeted, “One’s freedom does not mean others should suffer as a consequence.” This didn’t sit well with many conservatives, who were quick to lash out. “Yeah, I saw his Tweet,” said Cab Conway. “I still don’t like it. My body, my choice.... Read more
Mt. Juliet, TN – A small group of Southern Baptist ministers are currently deliberating over whether to add a fifth gospel to their Bibles, which would bring the total number of books to 67. The reasoning for this, they say, is that a lot of light has been recently shed on the state of the world, particularly America, and they think we are due for an update. “The 4 gospels we have are great,” said Gary Locks, senior pastor at... Read more
There are many things Christians think are in the Bible, but aren’t. Here’s a list of 10, in case you are interested. I. The Rapture There are a bunch of American Christians who think that the Rapture is taught in the Bible. It’s not. That doctrine was not developed until 1830, by a guy named John Nelson Darby. He based his entire theological system off a girl’s vivid dreams, and read his interpretation into the texts. II. LGBTQ Clobber Passages... Read more
This is not satire. I repeat, this is NOT satire. Last year, Carhartt announced that they were going to require COVID vaccines for all their employees by January 4. They stuck to their guns, and conservatives (presumably many of them Christians) are losing it. Many are calling for a boycott. This is fine. It’s a free market. We can boycott whatever company we want if we don’t personally agree with their politics, ideologies, and so on. I’ve made the decision... Read more
Someone recently asked why I still write for Patheos, in spite of the fact that some of their content is harmful and destructive to people who are already marginalized (like those of us in the LGBTQ community). I didn’t have an answer for them at the time, as I wanted to really sit and wrestle with the question first. Now that I’ve done that, here’s my answer. Alternative Voices First off, I continue to write for Patheos because if I... Read more
Bethlehem, PA – UPDATE: One week ago, we reported a story about the return of the head of Christianity, Jesus Christ. Today, we are sad to report that after travelling to the United States, he has once again been killed at the hands of an angry mob. Initial reports are that a group of white evangelicals stormed the hotel where Jesus was staying, dragged him out front, and beat him for many minutes before police arrived. Christ was ironically taken... Read more
People new to my work may think I hate Christianity. I don’t. There are aspects of it I despise, but there is also great beauty in the faith. Like most things, it’s a mixed bag. Some may also think that I hate Christians. Again, I don’t. I cohost podcasts with Christians. My parents are Christian. Some of the people I respect the most are Christian pastors (shout out to Adam Ericksen). My issue is never with individual people, or even... Read more
Pensacola, FL – The SonShine Congregational Church is once again making headlines. Known for their controversial branding – they once paraded a group of scantily-clad, chastity-belt-wearing teenage girls in front of the congregation during their “true love waits” campaign – the nondenominational church is now offering free, unregistered AR-15s to all new members who can prove they are unvaccinated for COVID-19. The recent promotion has led to a nearly 1000% increase in church attendance, as white evangelicals from all over... Read more
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New Author Discovers That Not Everyone Likes Everything He Writes
Chico, CA – An up-and-coming author recently discovered that not everyone likes everything he’s written. Michael Di Sorento, the satirist best known for his slightly above average books and podcasts, was appalled to find out that not every one of his over 500,000 blog readers approves of every article he’s written. “I was shocked, really. Shocked . . . and chagrined,” Di Sorento admitted. “As a writer who reaches hundreds of thousands of people, you expect everyone to approve of... Read more