New progressive bible translation says ‘manna and womanna’ fell from Heaven

January 4, 2021 By René Albert

***SATIRE*** In a bold move, modern scholars have decided to update the language in the American English translations of the Holy Bible. After U.S. Democratic Congressman Emanuel Cleaver ended the opening prayer with ‘Amen and A-woman,’ an entire theological can of worms was opened up that nobody saw coming. In the wake of the controversy, an outspoken atheist critic weighed in on Twitter, “What kind of a loving sky-daddy only gives one flavor of manna? Torturing people with feeding them the... Read more

Satire

Amen

Progressive Christianity

Vatican declares ‘Festivus’ a holy day of obligation

December 23, 2020 By René Albert

***SATIRE*** In the wake of an unexpectedly difficult year, the Vatican has added a new holy day of obligation to the liturgical calendar. With nations undergoing precautionary measures to offset the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, the Catholic Church now considers December 23 (popularly known as ‘Festivus‘) to be an important day conducive to the season of Advent leading up to Christmas Day. For those unfamiliar with the background of this day, the term ‘Festivus’ was popularized by Frank Costanza... Read more

Bible School Relationships, Sexuality and Purity Culture

December 15, 2020 By René Albert

There’s an ongoing joke among the Evangelical circles I’ve associated with regarding Bible college that says, “Ring by spring or your money back!” Though the ‘money back’ part isn’t exactly true, there an underlying, not-so-subtle expectation among Christian young adults that they might happen to meet their significant other while attending Bible college. The expectations vary among individuals, and it would be disingenuous of me to say that every Christian goes to Bible college specifically to get married. Many Christians... Read more

Why Does The Catholic Bible Have Additional Books?

December 9, 2020 By René Albert

Christians all over the world unanimously agree that the books of the Bible are divinely inspired by God. But between Protestants, Catholics and Orthodox Christians, there is much disagreement in which books are considered to be inspired. While they all contain 27 books in their New Testament, they vary in how many books are included in their Old Testament canons. While the Protestant bible contains 66 books in total, the Catholic bible has 73 books as well as additional passages... Read more

Christian Apologetics

Protestant Reformation

Protestantism

Sola Fide

Sola Scriptura

New pope projected to be lead singer of metal band Ghost

December 7, 2020 By René Albert

***SATIRE*** Well, it happened. Catholics all over North America have had enough of that Francis-guy and pushed the Vatican to hold another conclave in a rush to choose the next Pope. But as it turns out, it wasn’t someone anyone had expected. As smoke billowed from the chimney of St. Peter’s Basilica, the sky darkened and the sound of roaring guitars, wailing drums and piercing synthesizers could be heard resonating behind the Vatican City walls. The new (un)holy father happens... Read more

Protestant believes in Purgatory after long drive through Saskatchewan

December 2, 2020 By René Albert

***SATIRE*** Calvin Wesley, a Bible-believing follower of Christ and devout Protestant, was on his way to Winnipeg, Manitoba to visit friends and relatives for the holidays. Typically he would fly to and from his hometown in Vancouver, British Columbia since the short flight, though more expensive, just made much more sense timewise. But due to unprecedented flight restrictions due to the COVID-19 pandemic, he decided to make the 24-hour road trip for the first time. Little did he realize his... Read more

Is Honoring And Venerating Saints Equal To Worship?

December 1, 2020 By René Albert

0 Comments

From a non-Catholic Christian perspective, anything to do with giving honor or veneration to the Virgin Mary or saints can be quite intimidating. The first thing that usually comes to mind is the first of the Ten Commandments, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of bondage. You shall have no other gods before. You shall not make for yourself a graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that... Read more

Christian Apologetics

Church Militant accidentally plays Seinfeld theme music during The Vortex

November 23, 2020 By René Albert

***SATIRE*** On a livestream episode of The Vortex, viewers were greeted with an unprecedented surprise. The signature bass-driven intro jingle suddenly had a slightly different, yet familiar, sound. Most of the crew at Church Militant thought nothing of it in the moment. But as it turns out, the techs in the sound engineering accidentally played the wrong music track — which turned out to be the intro theme music from the popular 90’s comedy television series Seinfeld. Michael Voris, host... Read more

Benedict XVI Comes Out Of Retirement, Declares Decaf Coffee A Sin

November 20, 2020 By René Albert

***SATIRE*** It’s not everyday a modern pope makes such a bold statement on something as simple as a drink. But it appears Benedict XVI has felt the spiritual calling to set the record straight. The Pope Emeritus has come out of retirement and assumed the papal chair while reading a letter of exhortation titled, “Capulus est Vita,” which translates in English, “COFFEE IS LIFE.” A Vatican spokesperson states, “Papal infallibility is like that really amazing tool you’ve bought from the... Read more