Glenn Beck has repeatedly claimed to be a prophet, saying that virtually everything he has ever predicted has come true. On his radio show this week he showed how he does this and it’s just like a “psychic” does a cold reading — make a huge number of vague claims that can be made to fit virtually any situation.

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Glenn Beck is making a movie about Santa Claus being a badass warrior who protects the baby Jesus from harm and now a Washington, DC gun lobbyist has apparently turned that into inspiration for a Christmas card featuring Santa killing a Muslim terrorist with a gun.

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Glenn Beck did his best impression of that kid who made the sobbing Youtube video about Britney Spears years ago, railing about an episode of the Family Guy that turned Jesus into the butt of jokes. He just can’t understand how anyone could possibly make fun of Jesus:

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Glenn Beck is a man given to melodrama, to say the least. He gets weepy-eyed over nearly everything and sees a grand plan in the most mundane of events. On his show last week he declared it a miracle that it didn’t rain when he did his stupid “man on the moon” show. And he saw a rainbow.

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Glenn Beck is going to have to build a new room in his heavily-armed compound for all these Bryan Fischer Awards. The award is given to those who show a breathtaking lack of self-awareness, projecting their own worst attributes on to their opponents. And this one is a good one:

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During an hour-long special last week, Glenn Beck laid out his grand vision for how he plans to become the Walt Disney of Planet Wingnuttia. He’s shifting his focus to moviemaking, like that horrible looking movie about Santa being a badass warrior protecting Jesus.

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Glenn Beck says he’s now cured of that mysterious, non-existent illness that made him sound “crazy,” but that doesn’t keep him from still making long, rambling, bizarre diatribes like this one. He explains how a Nicki Minaj video isn’t kosher and we should all keep kosher (I haven’t seen the video and have no desire to do so; I couldn’t possibly give any less of a fuck about Nicki Minaj).

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Glenn Beck is going to release his first movie next December and it’s about — I swear, I’m not making this up — Santa Claus turning into a warrior in order to protect the baby Jesus. While riding camels in the snow. Or something.

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The other day, Glenn Beck announced on his show that he’d been battling a rare neurological disorder for years and tearfully described his symptoms and how he finally found a diagnosis and medical salvation from a “chiropractic neurologist.” David Ferguson at Raw Story reports that this is almost certainly complete bullshit.

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Fresh on the heels of the smashing success of his man on the moon show last year, which set a standard for wingnut drama that is the envy of high school theater programs everywhere, Glenn Beck is now going to dress up as a 90 year old man from the future to tell people the story of how religious freedom died in 2014 and the country is now an atheist hellhole.

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Glenn Beck is listening to the voices in his head again, and you’ll be surprised to hear who those voices belong to: Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and George Soros. On his show Tuesday, he imagined this hilariously ridiculous conversation between the three of them in 2008:

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I think I’ve discovered the real reason why Alex Jones and Glenn Beck hate each other. It’s because they’ve been locked in a battle over who can cry the loudest and most often. Luckily, some enterprising Youtubers have compiled the video for us. Here’s Alex Jones wailing:

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