2016-01-12T15:59:28-05:00

Happy New Year everyone!  I’m doing fine, a bit tired and a lot busy with regular life, which finds me offline more than usual lately.  I’m looking forward to getting back to more blogging in the weeks ahead.  Meanwhile, as often happens in winter, I’ve been writing fiction.  It’s a hobby, and addictive enough I probably need a National Don’t Write A Novel Month.  First drafts are my specialty, thanks.

In a rare bit of online reading today I came across Brandon Watson’s well-timed post at Siris, “Fictional Characters and Political Boundaries.”  He talks about the debate among philosophers about the real-ness of fictional characters.  On the one hand sometimes I want to slap all the philosophers, and on the other hand, I understand the angst: They are in the job of defining things, and they find themselves unable to define something that they know is, in some way, a real thing.

In what way?

This past weekend I was out of town, and I had to resist the urge to walk up to a guy, a total stranger, to whom I wanted to say, “You remind me of a friend of mine.”  The difficulty being that the person he reminded me of was one of my characters.  Luckily I’m shy enough it was an easy temptation to overcome, and no innocent bystanders were harmed by an encounter with a crazy-writer person.

A criticism leveled at certain types of bad writers is the error of creating a “character” who isn’t a real person so much as a symbol or a mouthpiece.  Bad writing (mine) or bad religion (the reader’s) could cause someone to accuse me of that, but it’s not my besetting literary sin.

On the contrary, I find my character’s lives inform me — not the other way around.  They educate me.  They do things and think things that open my eyes to reality.  Sometimes I sit in church and find I can pray better because I’ve absorbed a bit of one of my character’s spirituality and it makes me better able to love God.

So that’s a thing.  The philosophers are bumbling their efforts to describe and define, but they have indeed tripped over a real thing.

***

Father Longenecker has an article up called “Ten Tricks of the Devil.”  I particularly like this article because I’m keenly aware of my own wretchedness, and thus it was a great pleasure to read a list of dire spiritual problems that belong to other people for a change.  Ha.  It’s worth a read, and at the bottom of his post he links to his two Lenten-esque works of fiction, The Gargoyle Code and Slubgrip Instructs, both of which I heartily recommend.  Excellent fun.   We know it is a fallen world because Fr. L. doesn’t have time to publish more fiction than he does.

garcode  SLUBGRIP-Front Cover promo

***

Meanwhile, in a change of pace for this blog, sometime in the next few days I’ll be running a guest post from Timothy Scott Reeves.  His thoughts are prompted in part by a talk this fall by Sister Simone Campbell, during which she related her perception of the miracle of loaves and fishes.  Scott’s going to write about completely different things, but for this minute I want to talk more about fiction and reality.

You can read Sr. Simone’s understanding of the miracle in this interview transcript, scroll down to the very bottom.  When I first read this account, I was astounded by the blatant sexism of it all:

The — OK. This is “Loaves and Fish.” And remember the story in Matthew — in the Gospel, and they’re out in the countryside, and the Apostles say, “Send them back to town, they’re going to get grumpy.” And Jesus says, “Feed them yourselves.” And the Apostles say, “we don’t have it.” Well, at the end of Matthew’s account, he says, “5,000 men were fed to say nothing of the women and children.” Well, now that made me mad.

[laughter]

So I meditated about that. As you can tell, I have an odd spiritual life. So I thought about it, and I realized they only counted the ones who thought it was a miracle. Because the women had brought food from home. They shared it.

[laughter]

But the guys — I mean, don’t you have this — don’t you experience this all the time? Guys will show up. There’s food on the table. “Wow, food. What a miracle. Isn’t that great? It was like elves produced it.”

Because men are so dumb they don’t even know where their lunch comes from?  Really?  You said that on the radio?

But I had a second thought on deeper reflection: I think this woman hasn’t spent enough time with men.  I married one twenty years ago, I gave birth to another one, and I get to compare notes with other women similarly credentialed. I’ve got an awful lot of lived experience on how men look for food.

And this is the thing:  When you go someplace with your husband, or go nowhere at all, he will eventually get hungry.  And then he will turn to you, his wife, and he will say: “What’s for lunch?”

This is the very first thing he will do.

You might then direct him to the bounty that can be had in the refrigerator, the lunch box, or the drive-through restaurant, places he is well able to look for food in your absence.  But if you are there, he will ask you first.

This might be learned-helplessness, but it can also be respect.  One doesn’t just dig through the stash and grab what one wants, lest one accidentally eat what was being saved for someone or sometime else.*

–> A hungry man will never be out someplace with his wife and friends, get hungry, and fail to remember his wife is present and therefore first ask the other men if they brought him lunch.  This is not what men do.

The Gospels aren’t fiction, and for that reason alone they pose mysteries.  Things happen that we do not understand completely, because our real life is not crafted out of cutesy just-so morality tales.

Sexism is a kind of divorce from reality.  Bad fiction, untrue fiction, is a divorce from reality.  And hence the struggle to explain what we instinctively know:  Good fiction, no matter how fanciful, is always inextricably wed to reality.

*Thus in situations where the common-but-not-exhaustively-universal gender-roles are reversed, the question is asked to the man who is providing the food.  My son does most of the cooking at our house lately.  So we all ask him, “What’s for dinner?”

Cover art courtesy of DwightLongenecker.com.

2015-12-20T16:34:11-05:00

Years ago my husband had a business trip to Milan, and he went to church while he was there.  A local colleague tried to puzzle out this behavior, for it wasn’t mere tourism.  “But nothing is wrong with you,” he protested.  “You are young, healthy, intelligent, educated, successful. Why would you go to church?”  Church was where the old and the poor and the disabled went — people who were desperate.  People who needed consolation.

He wasn’t entirely wrong.

The “Holiday Season,” as we call the period between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day, has become our annual tribute to the god of good fortune.  If you’ve got prosperity, or dear family, loyal friends, or even just a very optimistic outlook on life, you’re in.  Gifts, parties, good deeds — these are all ways to celebrate the blessings of the god of I’m Not Desperate.

It is a lonely season for those who’ve been passed over by wand of the giftmas fairy, those can frankly look around and notice that life is terrible.  The secular holidays are a celebration of all that is good in the world.  When the mandatory joyfulness exceeds the real levels of what’s actual worth celebrating, the disparity creates a gap.  Those who notice the gap aren’t unreasonable in reacting with sorrow.

***

Meanwhile, the Advent scripture readings are a bit over the top for the reader who has it all.  When everything’s fine, a reading like this passage (December 5th- typical of the season) seems overkill:

The lowly will ever find joy in the LORD,
and the poor rejoice in the Holy One of Israel.
For the tyrant will be no more
and the arrogant will have gone;
All who are alert to do evil will be cut off,
those whose mere word condemns a man,
Who ensnare his defender at the gate,
and leave the just man with an empty claim.

For goodness sake, Lord, let me go shopping in peace!  It’s not that you don’t see where some people would find that kind of scripture enormously helpful.  But you’ve got to be pretty far into the hole before you’re hungry for some good old fashioned messianic promises.

Hence the contrast between secular holiday tunes and Christmas carols.  The secular songs celebrate the things of this world — good things.  Friends, family, snowy weather, gifts, sleigh rides, camaraderie.  Things worth appreciating, certainly.  A good Christmas carol, in contrast, picks up on the desperation.  It finds everything that’s lacking even after you’ve counted your earthly blessings.

Consider “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen,” which wishes tidings of comfort and joy not because all is well at home, but because Christ our Savior came to save us from Satan’s power.  “What Child is This?” isn’t content to sit around the manger with gurgling baby Jesus, but reminds us “nails, spear, shall pierce Him through, the cross be borne for me for you.”  When you need to wake up your Lent, any proper Christmas song will do the trick, and vice versa.  Mall traffic or no mall traffic, you can’t go so very wrong with “O Sacred Head Surrounded” for all your elfin-overload recovery needs.

Related Links for Having Yourself a Desperately Magnificent Christmas:

File:Ansdell Richard Lost In The Storm.jpg

Artwork: Richard Ansdell, Lost in the Storm [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

2015-03-10T09:28:21-05:00

When I answered Tom McDonald’s How I Pray series, one of the pile of question marks in the black hole that is my prayer life concerned spiritual reading.  Two answers of late:

1. The book I’m carrying around town and reading in snatches is Jesus and the Jewish Roots of the Eucharist: Unlocking the Secrets of the Last Supper, by Brant Pitre.  So far, it’s excellent. Recommended if you have a general understanding of the significance of the Mass and the Last Supper, and are looking for something to add depth to your Holy Week (or just your every Sunday morning).

2. What I’m keeping by the easy chair is Butler’s Lives.  No particular plan to my reading, other than if I’m looking for something to occupy me for a couple minutes, there it is, I’m making a point of having the current volume readily at hand.

I’m living in a time warp, which caused me to scurry to my computer to excitedly tell you it’s the feast of St. Frances of Rome, only to realize that nope, that was yesterday.  If you don’t know her, you should.  Here’s the seminal post from Erin Arlinghaus for your edification.

Meanwhile, from the life of St. Pacian, bishop of Barcelona, who died circa AD 390:

Amongst St. Pacian’s lost writings was one entitled Cervulus, directed against an obscene heathen pageant which took place annually at the new year and in which, apparently, Christians sometimes participated. . . . Like many a modern censor the bishop found that his strictures acted rather as an advertisement, and at the beginning of his treatise on penance he deplores that the chief effect of his censure was to make more people curious to witness the objectionable revels.

(Read the whole story here.)

There’s a trend among Catholics today — enthusiastic, church-going, Gospel-spreading Catholics — to want to be sophisticated.  To want, like a desperate gaggle of tweenage schoolgirls, to show that we aren’t backwards Bible-thumpers getting our bonnets in a ruffle over the scruples that plague our provincial cousins.  We’re Catholic. We’re in the world, being the leaven.

A desire to engage the culture is fine as far as it goes, but it’s a relative (albeit vocal) minority who’s erring on the scrupulous side.  The bulk of us are so terrified of being found fools for Christ, or so unwilling to bend our necks, that, like the 4th Century Christians in Barcelona, we’d rather run around dressed like wild animals than be caught too pious at home.

 

File:White Tiger in Touroparc.jpg

Artwork: Clément Bardot (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0], via Wikimedia Commons

 

2014-12-23T19:47:26-05:00

You’ve no doubt seen Saturday Night Live’s chillingly (hilariously) accurate tour of what you can expect at Mass this Christmas, but you might still be thinking, Hmmn.  Is it really a good idea for someone like me to go to place like that?  With Jesus in it and stuff?

The answer is yes.  Here are my top ten reasons why:

10. It really is the Church for anybody at all.  There might be other religions where you’re expected to have your act together from day one.  Catholics, on the other hand, have not just one but three sacraments ordered towards the fact that we’re all total screw ups, and four others that certainly hint hard in that direction.

9. Those in the know will be grateful and appreciative if you just do the respectful-visitor thing.  If you’re just visiting, no problem.  Come in, find a seat where you can see, and participate as much or as little as you like.  (Don’t go up for communion; if you need to let others out of the pew, just step out of the pew, wait for them to pass, then sit back down.)

8. It’s safer than going to the grocery store.  People who are sick should stay home.  Friends don’t let friends kill each other at Mass.

7. If you’re out sick for Christmas, there’s an endless supply of make-up days. Even through the holidays, there will be a Mass nearly every day of the week.  Jan 1 is a feast day, so look for services both New Year’s Eve and New Year’s day.  You can check Masstimes.org for contact info, but phone and listen to the recording to find out the Mass schedule through the holidays.

6. You’ll be reminded that no one’s doing this for entertainment.  Okay, so there’s a chance that you’ll show up someplace that’s got movingly beautiful music and an amazing sermon to boot.  More likely you’ll end up at one of the bazillions of parishes run by people who must really love God, because they sure aren’t there for the show.   Wherever the parish you attend falls on the spectrum, it’s a good way to spend an hour of your life.

5. If you have to read along with the prayer card in the pews, it’ll make you look like a pro.  A few years ago the English translation of the Roman Catholic Mass was updated.  What this means is that all the old-timers, the ones who go to Mass whenever they possibly can and have been doing so for decades, still don’t know the new words.  So you’ll see all these people pick up their cheat sheets when it’s time for this or that prayer.  You can too, and you’ll blend right in.

4. Real live Catholics goof up the Mass too.  Some people worry that when they visit a Catholic Church they’ll look funny, because they don’t know when to sit-stand-kneel-shake-rollover.  The truth is that many regular Mass-goers still don’t have it all down straight, to the point that some priests give hand signals to the congregation with such clarity and firmness it impresses the Dog Whisperer.  And then there’s a whole contingent that get so lost in prayer, or something, that the autopilot picks up the wrong cues.  Plus there’s the people with bad knees who couldn’t do the up-down-over routine even if they wanted to.  Sit in the second row or beyond, follow along as best you can, and don’t sweat it.

3. God will be happy you came, and no one else’s opinion matters that much, does it? Just come.  When you can and how you are.  People who have a problem with that can take it up with the Almighty.

2. You’ll be helping the pastor conduct a massive experiment on his congregation. All year long, the people who attend Mass every Sunday do this routine where they pass themselves off as holy, pious people.  And then, twice a year, the Church runs a test.  All these visitors show up, and the regulars lose their regular parking space and their favorite pew, and they have to see these people they don’t even know!  And then the pastor looks out and sees who remains smiling and prayerful, and who is maybe not so holy after all.   Since repeatable results are the gold standard of scientific proof, you’ll want to inflict your presence on the regulars as often as you can.

1. You’ve got a God-given right to come check it out.  The Catholic Church isn’t just for people like you, it’s for you.  Come to Mass.

File:Anbetung der Könige im Schnee.jpg
Pieter Brueghel the Elder (1526/1530–1569) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

 

2014-12-27T14:57:10-05:00

 

It’s the time of year when mothers start to get excited about school.  Before you actually start the work is the ideal to time to share school plans, because once you’re underway the enthusiasm can wear off a bit.  So here are my plans for the coming school year, starting with Mr. Boy.  I’ll cover the girls’ plans in two or three subsequent posts.

High School. Oh My.

The boy starts 9th grade, which means the college-prep clock is ticking and the transcript is officially turned on.  We’ve been working up to this, gradually getting less relaxed and more rigorous over the past several years.  At the start of this summer I took a look at our plans for the new year, took a deep breath, and resigned myself to studying Greek literature.  We’ve been using Kolbe’s homeschool course plans for 60-80% of his school work since the boy was in 6th grade, and I’ve been very happy with them.  I knew we wanted to stick with Kolbe for high school, knew their curriculum was about right for our boy, but wow, what a lot of work for a certain highly-distractible mother.

Still, I resolved to do it.  Must. educate. child.

And then I found the third way.

Someone Else Could Teach My Kid

“So, um, darling, I know it’s expensive, but what if we enrolled the boy in online courses?”  Much to my relief, the spouse was open to the idea of investing in some sanity-saving delegation of responsibility.  Our choices for the boy were:

  • Local public school.  Not bad, but not our first choice.
  • “Local” Catholic school.  Pricey, but financial aid happens, so it was not out of the question.  It was the commute that made it the option of last resort.  We didn’t forsee having hours to spend in the car twice a day.
  • Closer evangelical-run homeschool hybrid school.  Similar cost to Catholic school, minus the Catholic.  Advantage of being able to take classes by-the-course and cut down on costs that way.
  • Teach the kid ourselves.  Always a possibility. We are homeschoolers, after all.
  • Wait . . . there’s another way?? Yes?

Once we stacked up the financial downside of Catholic school or hybrid school, and the time investment of getting the not-yet-driving child to some physical location, online classes came out as the obvious middle way.  The boy is very much at home online, and since he’s a good kid, he responds well to high expectations from the adults in his life.  (Of course his parents have not “high” but IMPOSSIBLE expectations, as we are frequently informed. Hence the interest in outsourcing a little of the teaching load.)

I’m risk-averse, however, so it was a tad nerve-wracking making the upfront investment.

Summer Trial Run

It is as if the brilliant people at Kolbe Academy had installed a web cam in my brain.  They offered summer school classes, both of the fun type (Lord of the Rings something or another) and of the, “Oh my goodness is my kid ready for high school?!!” type.  We decided to try out the summer program as a trial-run to see whether this whole online-learning thing would work or not.  Having experienced the jolt that comes from changing school systems, I thought it best to pick classes that would prepare the boy for the new school’s expectations.  Thus we skipped the fun stuff and enrolled him for the summer term in Composition Boot Camp & Algebra 1 Readiness.

It went great.  He was vocally skeptical until about 24 hours into the first class session, and then he got serious about his work.  Quit making goofy complaints about the instructor, and got good about claiming the PC aggressively so he could get his work done.   (“It’s a middle-aged lady sitting at her computer,” he said the first day.   I chuckled and pointed out that regardless of where he attended school, he was getting exactly that.  Who do you think teaches high school students, son?  Super models?)

What I loved most about online classes: The class keeps meeting no matter what else happens in regular life.  We needed this.  I’m sold.

The One Weird Thing: Foreign Language

So that’s the plan for most of the boy’s education: He’s taking Theology 9, History 9, Literature 9, English 9, Algebra 1, and Biology 1 with the online classes.  The one thing he isn’t taking with Kolbe, though it was tempting,  is Latin.

Late spring a year ago, in anticipation of an upcoming used book sale, I asked the boy what he’d like to do for high school foreign language.  (I needed to know so I could start scouting out books in the language of his choice.)  The tricky bit is this: Whatever he picked, he had to stick with for three years of high school level work, because that’s what colleges tend to want.  We’d been studying Latin with modest but not amazing success, and I wasn’t convinced that he’d be enthusiastic about three more years of intensive Latin.  Still, it was on the table as a possibility, and I’d be game for learning with him.  The other choices I offered:

  • Spanish, which I don’t speak but would willingly commit to studying with the kid.  A practical choice, and one for which we could find ample opportunity to practice our budding skills locally.
  • French, which is not very practical but is much easier for me to teach, since I know the language fluently.  In terms of sheer easiness, this was the the top pick.
  • Whatever else he wanted.  We’d invest the $ in textbooks or software, but he’d be on his own.  Still, if he’d always fantasized about mastering Tagalog or Old Ukrainian, fine with me.  Or whatever.
  • Actually if he picked Italian or something else that struck my fancy, I’d learn that one along with him, sure.

After a certain amount of discussion, he opted for simplicity.  French it would be.

Luckily for us, we have another family locally that has a French connection and three kids at about French 1 age.  I proposed we form a weekly class, and they took the bait.  So what we’ve got on the table is a once-a-week hourly class, and then an estimated four hours a week of homework outside of class.  One hour of that is “immersion practice” which for the core group of kids means “go talk to your relative who speaks this language and practice that way.”

Scalable Textbooks

If one kid’s learning French, that means all kids are learning French.  That’s how it works around here.  I did some hunting around, and picked Memoria Press’s First Start French as our house textbook.    For high school, I have to flesh out the program with a modest amount of additional vocabulary and a handful of grammatical constructions that are usually included in French 1.  Years ago I built a French 1 program from the ground up, so I know the drill.  I think this approach will be much simpler than trying to pick a high school text that’s suited to our unusual situation — neither a regular classroom nor a regular independent-study course.  Meanwhile, my middle school student can use it as-is, and the little guys will follow along with the curriculum from Memoria, but with assignments better suited to younger students.

So that’s high school.  Pretty simple.  The boy also has some fun hands-on mini-electives, all low key science-y stuff that his friend’s mom proposed.   Should be good.

 

 

Photo copyright Jon Fitz, all rights reserved.

2025-09-17T18:33:52-05:00

Person holding cellphone
hen my kids were little, I shocked one of their babysitters by telling her straight up, “If there is an emergency, I am the last person you call.” | Image courtesy of Wikimedia Commons.

As a young adult, my sister was stalked by a serial rapist. Her husband worked nights, and her stalker figured out her husband’s work schedule and broke in through their bedroom window in the middle of the night when he knew she would be alone.

What saved her was the only tool that actually works, every time, in such a scenario: She just happened to be someplace else.

A cellphone, had they been invented back then, would not have helped. An audible alarm might have been a deterrent, but only if a neighbor heard it and responded, or the attacker was convinced they would.  Even a gun or another weapon (she slept with a hammer under her pillow for years after) would probably have been out of reach by the time she woke to a violent attacker.

It was a purely providential case of varying her routine that saved her that night — she’d carpooled out across town, near to a friend’s house, and the friend suggested she stay over rather than them driving her home so late.

This is not to say that other security measures are not worthwhile! I tell the story to emphasize one point in the debate about location-tracking apps: It’s very easy to imagine a given tool will be helpful in situations where no, it just isn’t. You have to layer on the strategies, and nothing is 100%.

Opening this conversation:

Thinking Through Effective Emergency Responses

When my kids were little, I shocked one of their babysitters by telling her straight up, “If there is an emergency, I am the last person you call.”

(Note that my children don’t have unusual but non-emergency medical or behavioral needs that I am uniquely qualified to coach a sitter through how to handle.)

I explained to her that:

  • I trust you to make pretty-good decisions about basic childcare stuff, we can talk about it later if you weren’t sure about a particular household rule. Otherwise I wouldn’t have hired you.
  • I trust you to have basic first aid skills. Otherwise I wouldn’t have hired you.
  • I expect you to dial 911 if there is an emergency, and I trust you to know when to do that. Otherwise I wouldn’t have hired you. Do not waste time checking with me, just call EMS if you think EMS might be needed.

Me out at the coffee shop? I’m not going to give the kid stitches. I’m not going to be any faster than EMS at getting home, and I’m going to be far less skilled than a paramedic when I get there. That’s why we call 911.

Yes, I’d like to be notified. Yes I will show up, pronto, to take over the parenting part of the situation. But you the babysitter have been hired because you are a reasonable stand-in for these eventualities, and here’s the emergency power of attorney and the copy of our insurance cards and kids’ full names and DOBs right here on the fridge, urgent care is gonna ask for that.

I think it sobered the babysitter to realize she was genuinely the responsible grown-up on the scene.  Well, I knew she could do it or I wouldn’t have hired her.

Thinking Through Location Tracking Specifically

Location tracking is a very blunt, late-stage emergency response tool. It tells you where your child’s phone is, not where your child is. It does not tell you what is happening at that location.

Is your child safely sitting in the movie theater, as planned? Or has your child evacuated because of a fire and in her haste left her backpack and is now safely headed to her friend’s house because the police said to come in the morning to claim her stuff?

Is your child stuck in that traffic jam, or is he the one blocking traffic because he ran out of gas and couldn’t get over?

Are your teens chilling at the pool, or are they freaking out because one of them just pulled a drowning preschooler out of the water when no one else noticed the kid was in trouble?

I’m sorry to tell you this, but there are very, very few emergency situations where location tracking will make your child any safer.

Your Child Deserves Better Than Location Tracking

Location sharing is indeed good for the one thing it does: It helps you find a specific phone. But let’s think about this.

Your kids are out playing in the neighborhood. What are the real safety measures your children need?

  • Knowing their way around, so they don’t get lost.
  • Knowing the limits of where they are allowed to go, and having the self-control to stay within those bounds.
  • Knowing which homes (if any) or businesses they are allowed to enter.
  • Understanding and following important safety protocols like helmets when bike riding, crossing the street safely, staying away from drowning hazards, and so forth (whatever applies to their zone).
  • Knowing how to administer basic first aid, and how to identify and get help when needed.
  • Being able to stand up to the pressure of adults or other kids who want to talk your children into doing something they know they should not.

These are things you have to teach your child. No amount of cellphones can substitute, ever, for these life-saving skills.

For your teenager going out with friends, or your young adult away at college, the skills are the same, just amplified.

I’m going to get very stern here: You are absolutely lying to yourself if you think your child, teenager, or young adult can forgo the not-getting-lost skills because you have location sharing.

Your teen out on a date isn’t “safe” because you have location-tracking. Safety comes from knowing how to choose friends wisely, knowing how to extract oneself from dangerous situations (drinking, flat tire, aggressive partner, bee stings, you-name-it) and knowing how to function competently within their sphere.

There Are No Guarantees!

You can do absolutely everything right to equip your child to navigate safely through a dangerous world, and yet bad things can still happen. They can happen because:

  • We can’t prepare for every possible eventuality.
  • Some forces are just too powerful, no matter how hard we prepare.
  • We have to make risk/benefit trade-offs.

When our teens first got their drivers’ licenses, I was strict about no friends or siblings in the car for the early days driving alone. Not because I thought they were unsafe drivers — we wouldn’t have allowed them to get their licenses in that case.

It was because the fact is that any driver, no matter how skilled or experienced, can get an accident. That is the trade-off we make between the safety of not using motor vehicles and the convenience and benefits, even life-saving benefits, of having them.

But I explained: If you get in a wreck when you’re older and experienced and your passenger is injured or killed, it will haunt you forever. If it happens when you’ve just gotten your license? It is very likely to absolutely emotionally destroy you in a way you might not ever recover from.

–> Before taking on passengers, you need the confidence of knowing that you can drive safely without someone coaching you, and that if something bad happens beyond your control, it really was beyond your control.

Learning to live with things that are beyond our control is part of learning to be a functioning human in this world.

Location Tracking vs. Location Sharing

I didn’t even have a phone with location-tracking ability when my kids were teens, though I think my husband might have had that (?), and I know some of the siblings  shared their locations with each other.

At this writing, with an upgraded phone, two of my young adults and the spouse have chosen to share locations, and two of my kids do not.

For those that do location-share, it has come in handy for:

  • Knowing what time to have dinner ready when my husband’s coming home from a business trip, and how much longer before I really, really have to clean the hall bathroom before my daughter gets home from college.
  • Quick researching near-to-her restaurants when my daughter was looking for excellent pizza on her first trip to Italy, because she knows I’m really good at sorting through that kind of stuff and enjoy traveling vicariously.
  • Figuring out why the house is empty when I slept in and everyone else has gone someplace (it’s the farmer’s market 99% of the time).

Those are harmless conveniences that in previous generations were dealt with by leaving a note on the counter, bringing along a travel guide, or heaven forbid cleaning the sink in a more timely fashion.

A reality check is: If I didn’t have this goofy new tool, would everything be just fine? If so, you’re on a good path.

Location tracking red flags of a serious mental health or relationship issue would include:

  • Constantly checking on a family member’s location because you don’t trust them to be where they said, or don’t trust them to make good decisions about where they went.
  • Feeling like somehow it “depends on you” to keep safe people who are old enough and skilled enough to manage their forays away from home.
  • Choosing not to equip your child or young adult with self-responsible skills for navigating their environment, because you have deluded yourself into believing that phone-tracking is a substitute for this.
  • Believing that phone-tracking is an effective way to protect someone who is recovering from an addiction or violation of trust.

That last one is especially painful because we desperately want to believe that if our loved ones have been through a recovery program and swear they are going straight, that somehow we can “accompany” them enough to keep them out of trouble.

It’s just not true. Someone in recovery may well choose to share locations as a layer of accountability they find helpful, absolutely. That’s great.

But when someone wants to overcome the layer of accountability, it is a piece of cake to subvert the monitoring plan. It is absolutely delusional to believe you the parent of an adult child can “know” your child isn’t binge-drinking or hooking up with that toxic partner just because you slavishly stare at the location of the phone you know about.

Set some boundaries.

Boundaries (the book): When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Image: Cover art for Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, 100% recommended for all adult-adult relationships, whether that’s with your teens, your kids, your parents, or your spouse.

Featured image on previews: “Holding Cell Phone” by Mad Fish Digital, CC 2.0.

2025-07-26T13:05:18-05:00

At The Atlantic, “American Summers are Starting to Feel Like Winter” reports with alarm and befuddlement on the summer variant of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Understandable, if you are new to the thing.

I am not new to the thing.

I am, however, grateful it is finally getting on the public health radar, because summer-depression is just as disabling as the winter version, and needs to be treated just as aggressively.

What follows isn’t medical advice, just some common sense ways to alleviate Summer SAD that I have found to be life-changing, if you do them.

What is the deal with Summer SAD?

The deal is this: The sun has crashed into the earth. Possibly mosquitoes haunt your every outdoor step, or maybe it’s scorching lava rocks glaring up at you with death rays. You, a modern person with access to all the amenities, do the sensible thing and retreat to the air-conditioning.

For one day? No big deal. But if you avoid natural daylight long enough, your delicate photo-sensitive intellect will not check to see if it is hibernating weather or estivating weather, it’ll just do its emotional nosedive and you turn into a feckless slug.

This is quite possibly a better, Thank You Modern Technologysummer mood disorder than the old fashioned affliction of heat-induced hair-trigger rage. Still, it’s not good for anybody. Neither a volatile temper (no AC) nor the bowels of depression (yes AC) is what we want.

So how do we thread the needle?

#1 Set aside the moralizing.

Yes, yes, I love to chuckle at people from northern latitudes who are blown away by temperatures that count as a crisp October day in my neck of the woods. I’m insufferable that way, and also yes, my world shuts down if we get our inch of snow, and that’s a feature not a bug.

Let that go. Absolutely, if you are a healthy person and your local 20-degree jump in temperatures lead to “heat waves” that are still well below body temp, you can reasonably hope to acclimatize by carefully, mindfully sucking it up and being a little sweaty.

If you are a very-healthy person, actually yes you can do hard physical work outdoors all day in for-serious summer heat using just the usual long-established common sense adaptations, as people have done for millennia in hot climates.

But you might not be healthy. You might specifically have a problem that limits your ability to adapt to the heat, or for which the heat provokes disabling symptoms (basically everything my neurologist treats, he tells me). You might be one of those people who, back in the day, was just plain deadly-sick or sickly-dead in this weather.

Or, your local heat wave (or normal summer) might be searingly-hot weather and it wears you down. Or, you are hiding indoors due to severe allergies, insect-borne infections prevalent in your area, wildfire smoke, or some other genuine hazard.

Again: Maybe the heat just turns you into a jerk, and air-conditioning makes life better for the people exposed to you.

Whatever the situation is, we’re not going to second-guess that. Put people on “mute” whose superiority complex is dragging you down at a vulnerable time.

#2 Identify your outdoor adaptations and safe spaces.

These are the things that allow you to overcome the hurdles we just mentioned above and get outdoors. You are going to need these, because if at all possible, you actually do have to get outside under the daylight sky . . . at least a little.

What are some things that could be your tools?

Ticks & mosquitoes
  • Insect repellent, and there are a ton of formulations to choose from, depending on your needs
  • Long clothing (here’s my tutorial on hot-weather fabric choices)
  • Big electric fan to blow away flying insects
  • Going someplace in town that is barren of insect habitat
Heat-sensitive illness
  • Ice packs (Titan brand Ice Wall are the highest-performing I’ve used)
  • Cold, refreshing water or other drinks that don’t wreck you
  • Soak your shirt in cold water
  • Giant electric fan
  • Shady outdoor swimming pool or sprinkler
  • Light-colored ordinary rain umbrella for shade w/o blocking all sunlight
Allergies
  • N95+ respirator
  • Offloading yard chores to robot mower or kid down the street
  • Sterile-habitat locations (as with avoiding insect-borne infections)
  • Medical interventions of your choice that seem to help manage the disease
Wildfire Smoke / Toxic Air Pollution
  • Who are we kidding, do not go out in this stuff unless you absolutely must
  • Get the best respirator you can for quick dashes
  • Build or buy home air-purifiers to make your space as safe as possible
  • If it’s stifling inside, run a fan or the AC for goodness sakes, even if it’s just one room of the house w/a portable unit
  • Use daylight alternatives, below, as if it were 9AM in a Helsinki winter

Note here at all of these things are a pain in the neck. This is why you end up with Summer SAD. If it were easy to just waltz on out anytime, you wouldn’t have to muster every ounce of your dwindling willpower to make it happen.

But you do. On to our next step.

#3 Get up at dawn and go outside.

Morning daylight is your number one weapon in the fight against SAD. That’s true in the winter and it is even more true in the summer, because morning is the coolest time of the day (even if it’s ridiculously humid).

Set your alarm if need be, change your bedtime, reorganize your day to allow for a brief siesta mid-afternoon, make a deal with your spouse to take turns being the one who sits home with the kids while the other does their morning walk . . . whatever it takes, get out under the sky first thing in the morning.

This time of day, the sun is still low. Maybe so low that it’s not over the horizon, and it is maximally cool but the sky is already brightening, the birds are singing, and your body’s daily wake-up cues are primed to activate.

Maybe you didn’t quite make crack-of-dawn, but the low angle of the morning sun means there is still plenty of shade.

Use the shade! You want to see sky with your eyes, you want as much sky overhead as you can tolerate, but if it’s sunny and hot and you need to be outdoors-but-with-shade, that’s far better than indoors, and your brain thanks you.

==> If you’re going for that insect-free or allergy-free sterile environment such as along a city street or outdoor shopping center, you can walk along the shady side of the concrete valley.

Some days you will have a lot of time for this, many days you won’t. If you have the ability to get out for a brisk walk (swim? gardening?) that’s great, but if you need to just set up the electric fan to blow the insects off and sit there in the morning light, that’s okay.

#4 Use an alternate light source if outdoors is impossible.

See “wildfires” above, but you might have another reason that going outside just can’t happen.

I’m not an expert on this, because outdoors is my go-to.

I will say that sitting by a sunny window is good, though if you can get a window that doesn’t have modern (often code-mandated) reflective coatings you’ll get more of the kind of light your brain needs.

There are a number of lighting products made for winter SAD, so if you have one that works for you for January, pull it out for August mornings as well.

#5 Do all the other things to fight depression.

Morning sunlight alone, combined with getting as much daylight generally (likely indoors) through the rest of the day, will get you pretty far, so that’s the one you organize your life around.

However, you still need to:

  • Tend to your basic spiritual needs
  • Get plenty of exercise (whatever that means for you)
  • Eat a healthy diet — the one that you know always makes you feel better
  • Get enough vitamin D per however that works for you
  • Spend time each day interacting with kind, friendly human beings
  • Accomplish something satisfying
  • Go to bed on time, and do whatever it takes to get good sleep in a dark room

If you are already *in* the funk, those are hard to pull off. Start with the morning daylight and the nighttime settling down, deep darkness, and sleep routine, and build from there in whatever order works best for you.

100% if you are languishing in torpor, visit the doctor to check for vitamin D levels plus all the many, many other physical ailments (looking at you, Anemia) that can cause fatigue and depression-like illness.

==> Your state in life and your environmental conditions will almost certainly impact how you are able to accomplish your depression-fighting tasks during the hot season.

This is good! Enjoy how satisfying it feels coming up with creative solutions to adapt to your changing environment.

#6 Mind your hydration & electrolyte intake.

Back in the day, Great-Grandma worked out in the heat on the farm in the southern sandhills all summer long without the benefit of expensive electrolyte tablets.

Q: How did they do that?

A: Heavily salted foods.

From the end of the cool season, their only meats were fresh-caught fish, maybe the rare chicken but usually not, and their staple food of salt-cured pork, accompanied by mounds of salted or pickled vegetables.

I am not telling you to RETVRN to a diet of salt pork.

I am saying that it is possible you are one of the people for whom actively managing your electrolyte status is essential to functioning in sweaty weather.

Something to look into and see what works for you.

#7 Get outdoors as much as you can, generally.

Again, we fully acknowledge that you may be in a situation where that is not possible, and you have to do everything else in your repertoire to compensate. So be it.

But let’s say you’re a mostly-normal person living in a hot climate, dependent on air conditioning because of reasons. Don’t undervalue the helpfulness of snatches of outside-time whenever you can get it (in addition to, not instead of, your morning daylight):

  • Dash to the mailbox or take out the trash in the middle of the day, because a minute of heat won’t kill you (if that’s true in your case), so get that blast of sunlight on your face.
  • Go for a swim, for goodness sakes.
  • Sit on a shady porch with an electric fan and drink a glass of iced tea for a mental health quiet-time break.
  • Run errands in the morning or evening, enjoying the toasty walk through the parking lot and the mad dash to load your perishables into the cooler for the ride home.
  • Sit out in the evening and listen to the insects and look at the moon.
  • Exult in the fact that the rest of the year you have to pay for access to that sauna at the gym, but today you can sweat for free.

That doesn’t have to be all the time. Just do it when you can.

Good luck, and happy August.

Photo: Deep wrap-around porches on a low-slung white masonry house out in the middle of a huge grassy expanse, built by people who know the value of shade. Dietmar Rabich / Wikimedia Commons / “Cape Otway (AU), Cape Otway Lighthouse, Telegraph Station — 2019 — 1179” / CC BY-SA 4.0.

 

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