Living in fear is exhausting. I’ve spent too much of my life being afraid. Driven by it. Paralyzed by it. Smothered by it. I’m seeing fear for what it really is. A joy stealer. A manipulation tool. If someone can make me afraid? Of anything and everything on the outside? They’ve gained control. Doesn’t matter if they’ve sucked the life right out of me. As long as they have control. I thought for years that the fear was my fault.... Read more
Looking back through journals. All the prayers. All the crying out to God. Years. And years. Asking. Begging. Believing. Writing out words to songs we had sung. Wanting so badly to be heard. For my prayers to be answered. I see it now. Not perfectly. Of course, not perfectly. But… I do see the problem. The arrogance. The “knowing.” You know? I just “knew.” I knew what all those others didn’t know. I was some sort of special. Not “sinless”... Read more
“Choose your weapon.” A mentor of mine told me she used to say it to her children. I thought it was funny at the time. Go to the kitchen drawer and pick which utensil you want to be spanked with. For those who were not raised with this type of parenting… And for those of you who have never heard of the whole “spare the rod” teaching… It was a thing. It still is a thing. My parents did not... Read more
Is he running hard after God? Are you running hard after God? Would you like to run hard after God together? Well then, that’s all that matters. Go for it. You are “equally yoked.” Same theology. Same church. Same God. You should be good to go. And hurry it up. No long engagement. Wouldn’t want either of you to “burn with lust.” We will do some premarital counseling. Tell you how to do your finances. How the wife should submit... Read more
We attended a college conference in 2006, where John Piper said if we listen to those “emergent” pastors, we would be sitting ducks for false doctrine. Well then, no one wants to be a sitting duck. Ok John, we will not listen to anyone who tells us anything different than you. We will sit here. Under your teaching. And we sat. And sat. And sat. Listening. Listening. And more listening. We shut out all those other dangerous voices. The ones... Read more
I’m sorry. I see now the damage that was done. Standing in front of you sweet kids. Telling you to do what I hadn’t even done. Giving you the little purity talk. Having you sign the True Love Waits commitment card. Handing you a TLW Bible. Putting a purity ring on your finger. I was pushing the purity culture agenda. Making it seem like it was the cure-all. Those videos we had you watch? They were driven by fear. I... Read more
Bright, sunny, yellow. To a hipster church. What was I thinking? I guess… Maybe, I wasn’t? We had signed up to be greeters. I’m a good greeter. Hi! Hello! Good Morning! They may not let me preach, but they will let me greet. There we were. One dreary, winter morning. Kev and me. Standing at the door. Kevin… looking cool. Me… looking yellow. It was a nice thought. Yellow goes good with my blonde hair, and blue eyes. I was... Read more
I couldn’t play the game anymore. Honestly, I didn’t even know what game I was playing. Or that I was even playing a game at all. Looking back now, I realize I was. We were. Heavy hitters, actually. Leaders. Dreaming big dreams. Where lots of followers would follow. People would look up to us. Come to us for the answers. People might say we were succeeding. I’m not exactly sure what I would call it. And right in the... Read more
Destroyed or Deconstructed. I just noticed these are two different words… Although I would say my faith has been “deconstructing” for over a decade, I would NOT say it has been destroyed. See the difference? When something is destroyed, it is irreparable. You can not put it back together. Nope. My faith has not been broken into unusable fragments. It has, however been “deconstructed”. Take that back. It’s in the process of being deconstructed. I’m pretty sure it will be... Read more
Let’s talk about ants. Two stories. Two different perspectives. Both of them inspiring. Story Number 1: I remember talking to a mentor about my weight. I was upset about the pounds I had put on in my last pregnancy, and was comparing myself to the younger girls in our small group. She told me what she used to tell her kids as they were growing up. Do you think God looks down at us compares us to each other? ... Read more
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