Quoting Quiverfull: Hold Hands and Laugh?

Quoting Quiverfull: Hold Hands and Laugh? January 6, 2017

quotingquiverfullby Lori Alexander from The Transformed Wife – Holding Hands and Laughing

Editor’s note: Sorry but there will not be a review of Lori’s book tonight. I am house sitting for a loved one about ninety minutes from home and I neglected to pack the book I discovered this morning. Instead here’s a quote from Lori’s blog that sounds like it’s a direct response to the fact that we’ve pointed out the lack of loving gestures they seem to have for one another. Left unquoted all the burbling Lori posted on how Ken and she are always holding hands, grinning and laughing and how everyone around them comments on how ‘lovey-dovey’ they are. Sorry, but this sounds contrived, fake and sort of in the realm of not so nice things people do to convince others how their awful situation is heavenly. A kind of lying, at least to themselves. This is not the type of showing love, mercy and tenderness to your spouse I was speaking of in my reviews at all. It’s more the things you do when people ARE NOT looking that demonstrates marital love. This reads just like all those fake letters at the Pearl’s website.

I like to see others couples holding hands while they are walking but they are usually dating couples. At restaurants when I see a couple laughing and having fun together, I usually notice that neither of them have rings on their ring fingers while married couples sit there and hardly say a word to each other. Why should holding hands, putting arms around each other, and laughing be saved for couples before they are married?

It’s usually because they don’t like each other much anymore. Little arguments begin springing up in their relationship. They start growing farther and farther apart from each other. They see life differently and both have different expectations. They become like two ships passing in the night. No one has taught them how to be married. They knew how to date since they would watch all the couples around them being affectionate and having fun but once they got married, it slowly fades away, especially when babies begin to come along.

He asked me how we keep our marriage good after so many years. I answered, “Being cheerful, the ability to laugh with each other, and affection keeps a marriage strong. We are happier together now than we’ve ever been! And you know what? It doesn’t take any work to make it that way. It just happens since I quit trying to control him, argue with him, and accept him the way he is; I don’t even remember the last time I was upset with him.”

QUOTING QUIVERFULL is a regular feature of NLQ – we present the actual words of noted Quiverfull leaders, cultural enforcers and those that seek to keep women submitted to men and ask our readers: What do you think? Agree? Disagree? This is the place to state your opinion. Please, let’s keep it respectful – but at the same time, we encourage readers to examine the ideas of Quiverfull and Spiritual Abuse honestly and thoughtfully.

moreRead more by Lori Alexander:

Spoiled Unspanked Children

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  • Rachel

    Fighting anecdote with anecdote: I’ve seen plenty of middle-aged and older married couples walking around holding hands. It’s what I aspire to if/when one day I get married, which is why I don’t believe in getting married for the sake of being married. You should at least like each other before you tie yourself to each other for ever!

  • Jo

    But they didn’t keep their marriage good – they had 23 years of crap until Lori did as she was told.

  • Nightshade

    Complete obedience. That’s too high a price to pay for peace.

  • Krissi_C

    It couldn’t possibly be that (some) married couples act differently than (some) dating couples because they’re *gasp* different people! I mean,maybe some people are more reserved in public, or prefer not talking at a meal, or something like that. But no! It’s all because they’re just not doing marriage “right”.

  • What might happen in a longstanding relationship: people take each other’s love and respect for granted. It happened in my relationship. I realized I needed to step back and take a good look at who we had become. It can be fixed, if the two people involved like each other’s company and want to continue their relationship.

  • Saraquill

    I headbutt my husband, kitty style. It’s a display of affection I’m sure would make Lori faint.

  • Karen the rock whisperer

    Years ago, when I was in my late 20s, I did a lot of traveling to Pensacola, FL., to help install flight simulators at the naval air station there. Our California engineering contingent usually consisted of four or five people, but on that trip it was just Ian and myself. We went out to dinner one night as usual, and began our inevitable evaluate-the-day/argue-technical-problems line of discussion. I guess it got a little animated. Engineering arguments can do that.

    At any rate, after the meal I used the restroom, and encountered our waitress. She asked me how long we’d been dating, and said something to the effect of “You can’t be married, because you talk so much to each other”. She was blown away when I explained that no, we weren’t dating, we worked together… and we were trying to figure out the quickest way to get our work done and get back home to our families.

    But her comment about we must not be married made me ponder. When I go out with my husband, we talk, but we also have a lot of companionable silences. We’re both quite fond of each other, and we’re comfortable in each other’s company. There’s nothing to prove. Sometimes, when the subject warrants it, we do have animated discussions… but often not. And it isn’t a sign of drifting apart.

  • Mel

    Life tip: Being overtly affectionate in public isn’t a sign of a healthy or unhealthy relationship.

    Since my little guy was born prematurely, I’ve spent a lot of time in the NICU with some other parents of preemies. I think all four couples in our nursery have good relationships – but we are very different in how we show affection towards our spouses. Max’s parents are very obviously affectionate towards each other. Spawn’s parents – my husband and I – are the hand-holding, arm around each other’s shoulder type because physical contact reduces anxiety for both of us. Jonas’ parents aren’t visibly affectionate – but they clearly love each other since their relationship has lasted through the loss of two previous kids due to prematurity. Amos’ parents never show physical affection towards each other since they are Amish and don’t do things like that in public but like Jonas’ parents they each light up when their spouse comes in the room.

    I am so grateful I love my husband AND that we have the communication and emotional interaction skills we need to weather Spawn’s unique beginning.

    I doubt Lori’s book teaches any skills that will help a couple make it though a genuinely tough time.

  • Astrin Ymris

    Translation: Fake having the “right” emotions at all times, and everything will be wonderful.

  • zizania

    I’m not sure how it started, except that we both used to work at a stable, but for years I’ve been making that low kind of hum that mares use with their foals to indicate contentment with my husband.

  • gimpi1

    You know, I don’t generally argue with or try to control my husband, and I (generally) accept him the way he is. He does the same. We don’t regard it as “submission” or any such rot. We just married someone who we genuinely like as well as love, and we accept each other as independent people. Mutual respect instead of rigid roles and dogma…what a concept.