Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – Don’t Know Exactly How To Say This?

Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – Don’t Know Exactly How To Say This? May 9, 2017

AnsweringThis poor young lady is asking for advice on how you tell a hidden homosexual husband from a good Christian man looking for a help meet.

Another installment of giving better answers to the questions asked at Debi Pearl’s site message board for the book ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’. Many young ladies ask questions on all sorts of different subjects brought up by the book. There was just one big problem, many of the answers stray into either the outright bad and emotionally unhealthy to dangerous. Yes, typical Debi Pearl borderline abusive. Here’s what we’re going to be doing here at NLQ. Every week, once or twice a week, I’ll be posting up one of the questions from the message board and ask you, our readers, to answer that poor soul’s question in a way that is logical, rational and the best possible solution, in other words 180 degree turn from Debi and friends answers. As always  all spelling and grammar in the posting is unchanged from the original author.

Don’t know exactly how to say this

OK. here is my situation. I am divorced. my husband left me for a homosexual relationship and I know live at home with my father and mentally handicapped brother. I do want to marry again but I dont want to go through what I did again. What I guess Im trying to ask is that how do I tell if a man is just using me as a cover up and when he is looking for a helpmeet?

Ouch! That is unfortunate. Is there a real way to find out someone’s basic sexuality before marriage? Not that I know of. What advice would you give this young woman?

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • SAO

    Sleep with a man you are thinking of marrying. It’s not perfect, but if he’s not really into women, you’ll be doing most of the initiating. Talk about values, core values, not just check off a CPM theology checklist.

  • pagankitty

    Look for a man who’s comfortable enough with homosexuality that he won’t feel the need to hide it if he was gay.

  • AuntKaylea

    I always have believed that one should be able to talk about with one’s partner whatever one is going to engage in. So my big advice is: talk about it. Go to counseling for yourself so you can heal. Go to couples counseling before making a lifelong commitment.

    Take your time before marrying. Get to know yourself as well as a potential partner.

    Maybe you should think about moving out and living independently for a while, so you gain confidence in your ability to make decisions and to discern things on your own.

  • texassa

    I’m so sorry that happened to you, and I am sorry that you are now in a situation where it seems you are stuck until another husband comes along.

    I would encourage you to think about how you could go about approaching your life so that you are not dependent on a spouse (or father) for your basic living expenses. This would free up the pressure to find a good provider and let you fall in love with and marry someone as more of a choice than a necessity.

    Then, I would suggest you think about how your courtship leading into your first marriage may have helped mask your ex husband’s true intentions. I also wonder how both of your religious upbringing and associated lessons and expectations led your husband to deny his true desires and pursue marriage with a wife while knowing that was not what he really wanted. I think examining the values that led to the outcome of your first marriage may help when as you determine what path will lead you to your future – hopefully happier – marriage.

  • Rachel

    Find yourself a new church that:

    a) Teaches that men should respect women (not just the other way around). When men are taught to respect women, they will respect you enough not to lie to you and use you as a cover.

    b) Is accepting of homosexuality. If they feel accepted in their community as they are and have the potential to get married and start families with their same-sex partners, they won’t feel that desperation to lie to everyone (including themselves) about who they are in a desperate attempt to find acceptance and love.

  • Nightshade

    Yes. This poor woman’s question wouldn’t be an issue if gay men weren’t made to feel that they couldn’t be honest about who they are. It doesn’t help that they are being constantly told that they can change, that all they have to do is find a woman, get married, and presto-change-o, they won’t be gay anymore, and if they still are gay then it’s their own fault, they must not really want to change.

  • gimpi1

    I would recommend living together for a year or so before considering marriage, but I know she won’t do that. That amount of time lets you see much more about the true nature of someone. Since that’s off the table, I don’t know.

    However, since many conservative groups suggest that gay people enter cis relationships or marriage in an attempt to sublimate their true orientation, if she’s limiting her dating pool to people in these groups, her odds of enduring this go up. Perhaps looking at dating outside her church? Of course, that may be forbidden, too.

    Sometimes the limits we put on ourselves hurt us.

  • Ruthitchka

    Maybe hire a detective.

  • It’s not fool-proof, but having sex before marrying the guy would probably be an indicator of if he’s into sexing womens.