Last night I discovered a link to a parody website The Babylon Bee that asks a question that’s been plaguing me for years – why do Christian movies suck so hard? It seems like most of the time every aspect of the movie is just awful, from ridiculous dialogue through keeping Kirk Cameron gainfully employed while using heavy-handed extremes to hand out the message that’s more pharisee-like than anything involving Christ.
The Bee went on to make some suggestions (humorous and parodies of course!) of future films featuring Christians, Christian ideas and keeping Kirk Cameron gainfully employed enough to not dabble in politics. A few suggestions below:
A King James-only pastor is granted an array of supernatural powers after praying the sinner’s prayer for the 490th time. He uses his newfound gifts to soar around the galaxy frying atheists with his heat vision. Kirk Cameron stars.
The year is 1981. A group of young, carefree kids play Dungeons & Dragons. They go to hell.
Jesus of Nazareth and His disciples roam the countryside of ancient Israel, preaching the gospel by day and slaying vampires by night. Kirk Cameron stars.
A NASA astronaut is stranded on Mars. Every Christian on earth comments, “Praying!” on NASA’s Facebook post announcing the dire situation, but no one actually prays for him or sends help. He dies after running out of Martian-grown potatoes.
Liam Neeson’s daughter is kidnapped by a group of Independent Fundamental Baptists. Neeson is getting too old for this kind of thing and leaves her to her fate of wearing denim skirts and white tennis shoes for the rest of her life.
A pastor is forced to re-live a 14-hour-long staff meeting over and over again until he can show that he has learned how to love, at which point the cosmic forces that entrapped him let him free.
There are more, with more suggestions of starring Kirk Cameron on the original page.
These parody movies led to a group of my friends and I to start coming up with our own additions to The Babylon Bee’s list. Here’s mine:
“The Return of Jesus – Electronica Boogaloo” – Jesus returns to earth as projected in the Bible. But he lands in the middle of the “Burning Man” festival and festival goers mistake Him as one of them in a rad costume. Kirk Cameron stars as Jesus and gets a contact high from the pot smokers at Burning Man.
Hey, any on that list are no more ridiculous than many of the films rolling out of the Evangelical Christian world.Write your own, or come up with suggestions as to what the Evangelical film world could do to make better films if you feel led.
Stay in touch! Like No Longer Quivering on Facebook:
Copyright notice: If you use any content from NLQ, including any of our research or Quoting Quiverfull quotes, please give us credit and a link back to this site. All original content is owned by No Longer Quivering and Patheos.com
Read our hate mail at Jerks 4 Jesus
Check out today’s NLQ News at NLQ Newspaper
Contact NLQ at SuzanneNLQ@gmail.com