Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – Unsure if He Likes Me, What to Tell Other People?

Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – Unsure if He Likes Me, What to Tell Other People? October 18, 2017

AnsweringThis letter from one rather confused and very immature sounding young lady fully illustrates the problems of isolating your children that occurs in the QF world. Knowing how to handle crushes and interactions is an important part of growing up that this young woman skipped.

Another installment of giving better answers to the questions asked at Debi Pearl’s site message board for the book ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’. Many young ladies ask questions on all sorts of different subjects brought up by the book. There was just one big problem,many of the answers stray into either the outright bad and emotionally unhealthy to dangerous. Yes, typical Debi Pearl borderline abusive. Here’s what we’re going to be doing here at NLQ. Every week, once or twice a week, I’ll be posting up one of the questions from the message board and ask you, our readers, to answer that poor soul’s question in a way that is logical, rational and the best possible solution, in other words 180 degree turn from Debi and friends answers. As always  all spelling and grammar in the posting is unchanged from the original author.

Unsure if he likes me, what to tell other people?

Hi everybody. I wrote about this guy a while back who I thought liked me. I was expecting him to make some kind of move at that time, but was given advice to not push him and wait it out. I saw him sporadically over the summer. After 6 months nothing happened and I thought, “Well, it’s over. He just likes me as a friend and that’s that.” I was kind of bummed out, but I have a lot of excitement in my life so it wasn’t a big deal.

However, I’m starting to get confused again. He started a Bible study at his house with some other young people and invited me, so now I am seeing him 2 or 3 times a week. He is friendly and jokes around with everyone, but he picks on me twice as much as anyone else! Before I tried to brush it off as “he’s like that to everyone” but he does single me out. The other day he said, “You know why I pick on you so much? Because you’re so pickable!” Huh? I know there have been other girls who thought that he liked them, so I really don’t want to make that mistake and would rather err on the side of caution. But it’s becoming a little obvious to other people and I’m not sure what to say. The other weekend I was with a friend and he called my cell phone. She saw his name and wanted to know who he was, after she heard a one-sided conversation of him basically asking me out (spending time one-on-one). Then I fumbled around trying to explain who he was and that I liked him but wasn’t sure if he liked me, blah blah blah. I’m not one to gush about my feelings AT ALL, so it was really wierd.

So that is problem #1. I want to keep my options open just in case he isn’t “the one”, but it’s kind of obvious that he singles me out. He might think that we are just friends and treating me accordingly, but people don’t know that. How do I explain to friends and family what is going on?

Problem #2. There is this other girl who started hanging out with our group a year or so ago. I was basically the catalyst for this connection. She got to be friends with this guy’s sister, and would hang out with us once and a while (this was when the brother was gone). Now the sister is gone, but the brother is here and my friend is seeing them all more than I am. I feel like she is after the guy I like. More than that, I feel like she used me to get ‘in’ with this group and now that she’s in we are not as good of friends as we were. She is very “spiritual” and much closer to the other girls than I will probably ever be. And I think she sees me as less spiritual. Which is fine, whatever. But it makes me secretly happy when the guy ignores her and chooses to talk to and be around me. I know this is probably wrong, but didn’t she bring it on herself? I don’t have these feelings toward the other girls. I don’t know what to do with the real/supposed tension between us. All this is going on in a very sweet, nice christian environment where nobody would say anything mean about each other. But there is something I don’t like about this girl.


Anyone have anything they’d like to tell this confused young woman?

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Tawreos

    Stop worrying if he is the one and enjoy your time with him.

    Don’t worry about the gushing about your feelings thing, it is a pretty natural response when you find out that someone you like is interested in you. I am nearly 50 and I still get that little thrill inside, the only difference between us is learning to hide it a bit better.

    The only thing that could lead to a problem is the jealousy you feel to the other girl. While it is natural to not want someone else going after someone you like don’t get carried away with worrying about her. Worry about you and continue being the person this guy likes in the first place and let things take their course. Being jealous and over protective could end up turning him off.

    In the end, enjoy your date and remember that marriage isn’t the end goal it is just another point of interest on the path you take through life. Take time to enjoy the other points of interest you will pass along the way.

  • SAO

    Dial down the drama! Get to know the guy and don’t pay attention to what other people think. Certainly don’t waste your time imputing motives to others.

    Speak up for yourself. If you think the guy ‘picks on’ you, but you like him, tell him what you don’t like and ask him to change.

  • Mel

    I mean this in the kindest way: what else do you have going on in your life?

    The guy may like you – but this has been dragging on for months now! I wouldn’t waste any more mental or emotional energy on a guy who can’t – or won’t – start an actual, public relationship with you.

    Do you have problems with your female friend outside of the fact that she’s interested in the same guy as you? Is it worth being this worked up because you are both pining after a guy who hasn’t been clear about his preferences?

    I’ve always been clear about the fact that I strongly support women working outside the home or pursuing vocational/educational training. Economics is one reason; reducing the endless hours to fill by manufactured drama is a second reason.

  • Sandpirate

    My concern is the whole ‘picking on me’ thing. Is she talking about him picking her to read scripture or answer questions in the meetings or actually picking on as in making fun of? If it is the latter, which sounds more likely from her letter, then it is worrying that she thinks that is a good sign he likes her. I remember as a kid being told that if a boy was picking on me (or other girl) or even physically hurting (like rough housing) that it meant the boy liked me. I think as a teenager I realized how messed that was and explains why many women go for the asshole type and stay with abusers. I’m sure abusers know this too and take advantage.

  • texassa

    Oh, honey. If you are looking for a husband you are about 5-15 years too early. You have a lot of growing up to do.

  • AuntKaylea

    Ok – so within the crazy sheltered fundamentalist world I have the following advice:
    Stop worrying about it (which is scriptural) – you don’t have to figure out everything about a relationship up front. There is freedom in letting go of the need to control exactly what every relationship is.

    I think the following is helpful & what I tell the teenage girls that I have mentored who were raised in this system:

    How to determine romantic interest:
    1. He specifically asks for a date and calls it a date.
    2. He plans the event ahead of time.
    3. He picks you up and drops you off.
    4. He pays.

    Anything that does not include all 4 of these should not be considered a date or prompt for an analysis of romantic interest. If it’s anything else, just trust that it’s friendship.

  • Almost a chimp

    The cynic in me says that this girl is worrying unnecessarily. In the crazy patriarchal world she inhabits there’s little point setting her hopes on any particular boy; her dad will tell her who she’ll be marrying when he decides on a groom for her.

  • Ms JT

    Even in the secular world d figuring out if a guy likes you is a little crazy 🙂 My bf would constantly text me, ask me out, picked me up, and paid, but no physical contact other than hugs and no other indications that we were on a date. I gave up, sat him down and said I like you …is it mutual? ..turns out he was just a little gun shy but we have been dating for 6 months now 🙂

  • persephone

    I want to take all these girls that write into Debi and invite them over for a big slumber party. We’ll play board games, load up the stereo with music by women who don’t need men, make popcorn, scarf down pizza, drink lots of hot chocolate, then fall asleep to a historical PBS drama. In the morning, we’ll make a big breakfast, then sit around and talk about how much fun we had without having any men or boys around, and how great it was, and we’re going to do this at least once a month.

    When they leave, I’ll tell them how super they are, and perfect human beings, without or without a BF or husband, give them burner phones to text only with other people who slumber party with us, and tell them how beautiful they are, just the way they are.

    If their daddies or pastors show up, I’ll stand on my porch and tell those nasty old men to f*** the h*** off my property.


  • Almost a chimp

    …without or without a BF or husband

    Careful, your preferences are showing :-))