Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – Trying Not To Be Too Aware of Guys

Answering ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’ – Trying Not To Be Too Aware of Guys October 25, 2017

This poor girl needs help! Professional help to help steer her though issues of self esteem, rejection and healthy normal male female relationships.

Another installment of giving better answers to the questions asked at Debi Pearl’s site message board for the book ‘Preparing To Be A Help Meet’. Many young ladies ask questions on all sorts of different subjects brought up by the book. There was just one big problem,many of the answers stray into either the outright bad and emotionally unhealthy to dangerous. Yes, typical Debi Pearl borderline abusive. Here’s what we’re going to be doing here at NLQ. Every week, once or twice a week, I’ll be posting up one of the questions from the message board and ask you, our readers, to answer that poor soul’s question in a way that is logical, rational and the best possible solution, in other words 180 degree turn from Debi and friends answers. As always  all spelling and grammar in the posting is unchanged from the original author.

Trying not to be too aware of guys

I walked past a basketball court the other day with a bunch of teenage guys in it playing ball. I was trying to guard my heart and my thoughts but it was really hard! I feel sometimes that I’m not worthy for them to notice me, maybe because I’m not pretty enough or because I’m not nice enough. I don’t know how I can’t be aware and how I can’t feel the rejection that I feel. Can you help? How can I stop those feelings? And how can I not notice every guy that I see?

The advice she got from the commenters was to press closer to God. What do you think?

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • AFo

    Ohhhh honey. No matter what you have been taught, there are a few simple facts that are unavoidable: There are lots of young men in the world. You will occasionally see them (unless you become a recluse, which isn’t healthy). You may find some of them attractive. None of this is sinful. Obsessing over a crush or worrying that you’ve committed some kind of sin just for thinking that a guy is attractive is unhealthy. I wish your culture acknowledged this, so that you didn’t feel such guilt and shame over totally normal adolescent feelings.

  • Tawreos

    You are a human being and there is a biological urge to procreate, it is normal. Part of that urge is being aware of people that I am guessing you find attractive and it is normal, don’t fight it. Everyone feels inadequate at times, it can be harder since you come from a religious background that does not value women and that can heighten those feelings. The best thing to do is to realize that you can’t rely on others for your self worth, focus on liking yourself and other people will come around. The only abnormal feeling you have is that you are trying to fight being human, and life is to short for that.

  • Iain Lovejoy

    Poor girl. Quite apart from the usual hellish hormone-fest that is adolescence, she is stuck with trying to navigate all this QF cr*p as well.
    What she appears to have bought hook, line and sinker is the QF bizarre notion that purity magically attracts boys. She desperately wants boys to notice her and seems to think that the reason why they don’t is because all these sinful thoughts about wanting them makes her purity “glow” insufficiently bright to attract them.
    The problem, of course, is that being completely unapproachable and carefully not giving the slightest hint of being interested herself (as recommended by QF) is not only not going to get her “noticed”, but will also inevitably going to guarantee putting off anyone who otherwise might have been interested in her.
    She could try saying “Hi!” or at least smiling at someone she liked, and maybe he will be encouraged to at least strike up a conversation. She should perhaps try and remember that most boys will be at least as confused, shy and worried about rejection as she is (even the loud ones trying to cover it up with bravado) and won’t actually know if they like her or she likes them without first a bit of tentative casual conversation at least. (It might also be worthwhile remembering that “Hi!” isn’t a marriage proposal.)

  • Glandu

    I’d give the young lady exactly the same advice as to a young man in the same situation. Enjoy the landscape, but don’t stare for too long. Staring too long is creepy.

    After, wether she has other things to do, or wants to follow the basketball players more, well, is to her decision entirely.

  • SAO

    All the ideas behindbthis question are so bat-crap crazy that it’s hard to know where to begin. First, noticing that a guy is good-looking doesn’t have anything to do with your heart. Second, getting to know people you are attracted to is a good way of finding out what really matters to you — and it’s not your check list of Godliness. Third, having a crush is a normal part of development. Recognizing that can often help you learn the difference between real, abiding love and ephemeral crushes. Fourth, love requires nourishment. If you nourish your love for one man, any affection for a former boyfriend will dwindle to friendship.

  • Carra McClelland

    Oh, man. What you are feeling is NORMAL. Noticing boys is NORMAL if that is the way your brain is wired. Those butterflies in your belly? Also normal.

    It’s OK to feel down on yourself every once in a while, we all do (I am having that day myself right now), but know that you are actually pretty neat. You are growing and going through a bunch of stuff that is normal, but being told it is not and that is going to do a number on your self-confidence, but I can say pretty certainly that you actually are actually just fine. And you are not doing anything “bad” or “sinful” but noticing that you find boys attractive. This doesn’t mean you are going to run off and marry the first person that sets your heart aflutter. You will have hundreds of crushes over your lifetime, for various reasons, and that is just a part of life. It doesn’t mean you are committing to anything, or even going to act on it. It just means that you find someone attractive for whatever reason.

    I wish you had a woman in your life that could explain this all to you without the burden of QF/CP coloring everything. You are seriously doing nothing wrong, like, even remotely.

  • You are noticing good-looking guys because we have sexual urges that aid in propogation of the species. Being told that these urges are not “normal” or are “sinful” is wrong. Part of growing up is being aware of these urges and acting on them appropriately when you and the other person are ready and consent to doing so. I feel that the QF notion of purity culture is not teaching young girls and boys how to deal appropriately with these normal feelings and desires, by focusing on trying to deny those feelings or to label them as “bad” except in an extremely limited context.

    As for feeling unworthy, you are not unworthy of attention from anyone, male, female, or whatever identity. Treat others with respect, be kind, but also protect yourself from the few people who might want to do you harm. Do not think of yourself as lesser or unworthy for any reason. People are or are not attracted to other people for a variety of reasons that we cannot control. You will have crushes over the course of your life, and some may reciprocate those feelings while others may not. That’s normal. Don’t attach your value as a person to chemistry.

  • Lulu

    I remember one time *daring* to share with my mom that I liked a certain boy. Her reply? “We don’t do that”. Now that I am older I can recognize that crushes and attractions are completely normal and biological, especially as we grow into puberty. She mourns that we aren’t close, well, gee I wonder why (although there’s a MOUNTAIN of reasons, not being able to talk to my mother about normal things didn’t help make me confident to talk to her about bigger worries.).

  • texassa

    First, I would like to tell you that regardless what you may have been told or taught, the feelings you are describing – all of them! – are so, so normal for a teenage girl. YOU are so very normal! The excited, anxious, sometimes-obsessive, stomach-churning feelings about boys you describe is honestly a cornerstone of the teenage experience. EVERY teen has these feelings.

    The fear of inadequacy and being “not good enough” is also something most if not all teens feel. Why? This awareness of and attraction to the opposite sex is a new part of your life; hormones are raging within your body and mind – something you haven’t experienced as a child. Your interactions with peers are expanding and deepening in ways they haven’t existed before. Whereas in childhood, your immediate family was your primary peer group; now your time, thoughts, and excitement are more and more being held outside of your home and family. This is an exciting – but sometimes scary – time for you and everyone.

    There is hardly a feeling more (temporarily) devastating than an unrequited romantic interest or a failed teenage relationship. It is so wonderfully, painfully bittersweet. This is why it is called “a crush!” Every person, including your parents and church advisers who may be counseling you away from these feelings, has gone through this at your age. One of the wonderful things about experiencing this kind of anxiety-inducing “puppy love” is that hopefully you will be able to distinguish the difference when a more mature, stable, sustainable relationship enters your life. A crush simply isn’t marriage material.

    Secondly, I would advise you to think and pray about your feelings of shame around these natural instincts you’ve been having. I understand you may have been told or taught that these thoughts and feelings are sinful, but what does your (own) faith and relationship with your religion tell you? Are you acting with hate or malice when you experience these interests? Are you hurting or disrespecting someone? Do you really think you are hurting your god with these feelings?

    Adolescence is the time when you naturally begin to pull away from your parents in order to become your own person. This doesn’t mean you cut off a relationship with them or that you disrespect and dishonor their values. It just means that as you are on your path toward becoming an adult, there is a natural process of becoming independent that occurs during your teenage years. This process includes evaluating what you have been taught and making decisions on those values for yourself. As an adult, you may or may not decide to adopt the exact same values your parents have. They may have adopted a different lifestyle and value system from their own parents. This is normal. The relationship between you and your faith and values should be only your own, no one else’s.

    Finally, I would suggest you read up on the Bible’s passages about “guarding your heart” where it comes to romantic interest. I believe these passages will be particularly illuminating for some of the anxiety you have been feeling.

    Just remember, be you! If God created you perfectly in His image, then nothing that you are or feel is a mistake. Revel in being yourself!