No Longer Quivering
Lori Alexander of The Transformed Wife thinks that the very best way you can deal with having a spouse who is addicted, be it an addiction to drugs, alcohol, money, spending money, sex, cigarettes or anything else that can be addicting is to cheerfully and prayerfully submit to their husband in her post. She never really gets around to the ‘how’ of genuinely helping the addicted beyond telling you to pray and that Jesus sees your suffering.
I will say that I am surprised that Lori allows the out of separating from your husband if he is a danger or a threat to your life, or the lives of your children. Divorce is not allowed. She never addresses how to live through a life where your husband is leaving you and your children without basic necessities like food, clothing and shelter. I am guessing in her privileged white-bread world, excuse me fancy expensive artisan bread world, things like food insufficiency, homelessness and need never really exist.
This is a subject we’re talked about many times before here so I’m putting out that question yet again. Does anyone genuinely know a family where an addicted abusive neglectful husband was ‘won over without a word’ by the total cheerful submission of his wife? I’ve never seen such a creature.
But remember. you are earning crowns of glory, heavenly brownie points of karma for your meek, happy and total submission to an imperfect man that holds every moment of your potential life in his hands!!
You what’s much more effective in dealing with an addicted spouse? Here’s a list based on what mental health professionals have found works to bring about legitimate change and helps you survive.
1 – Taking care of yourself first. Making sure your mental, emotional and physical needs are not neglected so that you have the strength to help. That might include counseling for you as well as your spouse.
2 – Learning about addiction to better understand how to support your spouse.
3 – Keeping the lines of communication open and honest between the two of you.
4 – Realizing that your relationship has changed, it will continue to change and that change might mean separation on a temporary or permanent basis depending on the circumstances.
5 – Practicing patience. With the process. yourself and your spouse during the changes and challenges of beating addiction.
6 – Being open to forgiveness. It’s hard to let go of the hurt and learn to gradually trust the person that has betrayed you on a fundamental level. Holding onto resentments only hurts you and makes helping your partner even harder.
7 -Avoiding assigning blame. Some people are biologically predisposed towards addictions. Blaming and shaming is rarely useful in treating addictions.
8 – Praise progress and encourage forward momentum in recovery to keep your spouse on track.
9 – There will be setbacks and possible relapses. Know this and do not take these things as a personal action against you.
10 – Decide where your personal line or boundary is in your spouse’s recovery and make your decisions from that view. It might mean for you total forgiveness, or mean that for your own emotional comfort that you must disengage and separate. Don’t let anyone try to guilt you into the steps that are right for you.
This list is put together from reading through many different sites on recovery from addictions, who deal with treating addictions professionally every day. Not from a frustrated and angry woman seeking to be an authority on what God wants sealed in her privileged bubble.
Notice none of this is my advice either. I’m not much more qualified on the subject than Lori is considering I’ve never had to deal with helping an addicted spouse kick that addiction. The only thing my husband is addicted to is those sugary coffee drinks with whipped cream and sprinkles on top, a harmless thing.
Read more bad ideas by Lori Alexander
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