Edited to add: When I said Doug broke my brain I wasn’t far off. Some kind reader pointed out there is no Samantha Westmoreland but a Savannah Westmoreland. Yes, I’ve been calling the main character by the wrong darn name the entire two thirds of the book. Ugh to that name.

Did you know that with only two outings we’re already a third of the way through this romance novel by pastor Doug Wilson? The only tender mercies in this is that it is merciful brief. Let us join hands and pray that Doug writes no more romance novels.

Interestingly enough there are only five reviews on Doug’s Amazon page for the book, mine and four positive reviews lacking much detail. Only two of the other reviews are verified purchases. That alone says a lot about the book.

Just like putting down a suffering pet I’m ending this misery for everyone much quicker. I’m going to do another third of the book instead of two chapters. I’m sure by now you have an inkling what the big twist is. If not read on.

Chapter 5 – Milwaukee

Todd Martin, traveling salesman, punchline to obscene jokes and aficionado of taverns is pumped several times by mustachio-twirling typical villain Alan Lambeth. Lambeth wants to know about Milwaukee, badgering Todd several times before stealing his hat. Lambeth goes to Doug, errr, Samantha and implies he knows what happened in Milwaukee, but Martin shows up and tells Sam her dirty secret is safe with him.

Chapter 6 – The Night of the Fire

Lambeth decides to take advantage of his hat-thievery and gain Samantha’s attentions by burning down her house?!?!? Well, setting it on fire so that he can rescue her and she’ll rush into his arms. He plans on planting Todd Martin’s hat to imply it was Martin. It does not exactly play out that way.

Damn, if this is romance I want nothing to do with it. I prefer being a cynical old crab.

But because Lambert is a cheapskate that does not do maintenance on his bank as he’s skulking out the bank to ‘discover’ the middle of the night fire he falls through the steps and breaks a leg.

But Sam and her bustle do not burn. Pastor Goforth was up ‘working on a sermon’ and saw the flames. He raises the alarm and the fire is put out before it does more than snuff out a bedridden old lady. Lambeth tells the sheriff that he saw Todd Martin committing skullduggery near the boarding house. Pastor Goforth agonizes over his own stupid secret.

Chapter 7 – Flirtation in the Kitchen

Samantha flips flapjacks and emits clouds of horniness for the pastor who saved her life right through the kitchen wall and into the dining room. Clearly Doug does not know how to flirt at all. It’s not this. Normally you have to actually be in the same room as the flirtee.

The guys hunt Todd Martin, but he turns up dead, deader than dead in the woods with a bullet hole in his forehead. Whoopsie! Turns out he was playing cards towns away when the boarding house caught fire.

Body count now attributable to Lambeth? Two.

Chapter 8 – Aftermath

Samantha just knows Lambeth is behind the pile of bodies. I guess she’s psychic too. Thankfully she’s shut her damn mouth of all that snippy witticisms. She’s happy her secret is safe, even happier to get a letter from the dead man stating such.

She agonizing over Pastor Goforth finding out what she’s done. She decides to confess to the Pastor but they end up in her snippy snappy words. They stand on either side of the door IN AGONY over their secrets and lust. No actual secrets are confessed. They just dance around it.

Chapter 9 – The Next Step Down

Lambeth twirling his mustache and thinking evil thoughts opens the chapter. This is followed by a recitation of his evil going back almost to the cradle.

He puzzles over Samantha Westmoreland’s rejection of him and the first crazy sermon giving by Pastor Goforth before he decides to date one of Sam’s haters – dept. store clerk Elizabeth Sarandon. Dating and lies happen.

Various towns folk speculate that Lambeth set the fire.

And just like that we’re another third of the way through. Next time we finish up and I promise you will be beyond disgusted by how Wilson rounds this out..

Why do I get the feeling that Doug loves himself some serialized pulp fiction in a trashy rag?

Part 1 | Part 2

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