Jill Duggar Dillard – Sex and Holy Underwear

Jill Duggar Dillard – Sex and Holy Underwear June 5, 2019
Screen cap from YouTube video

On Monday one of the most amusing and clueless things ever happened. Married for what, like three years tops, Jill Duggar Dillard decided to write a blog post about marriage titled ‘More Than Sex.’ Much of the post does deal with either sex or making your man want sex.

Still shaking my head and laughing over the very thought. Just what little I’ve seen on social media about the Dillard’s marriage does not scream ‘Good Marriage!’ It looks more like obsessed 12 year old girl with her first crush. How many times has Jill posted selfies of her and her husband Derick where it looks like she’s desperate for his attention, any attention really.

Jill is posting frequently promoting clothing lines and all sorts of things for sale mixed with photos of fawning over Derick and the unfortunately-styled food she makes.

But her sex advice is pretty funny, about like what I’d expect from a deluded adolescent girl. Here’s what Jill says about sex. Spelling choices are Jill’s, not mine:

-Have sex often! You both need this time together regularly (3-4 times a week is a good start. lol). And when you may not be able to actually have intercourse for a period of time or for health issues, find other ways to have fun and be intimate. Let your spouse know that you’re aways available. Guard against fulfilling sexual desires alone. Be open with your spouse about your desires and change things up to keep it exciting! (Philippians 2:3-4; 1 Corinthians 7:5) If you’re struggling with sex with your spouse, GET HELP! See a doctor and/or licensed counselor and don’t be afraid to get second opinions!

I am guessing mastur-you-know-what is extra verboten.

Jill’s ‘advice’ here holds elements of the ridiculous. No one, I repeat, no one can tell a couple how many times a week is right and proper. It varies wildly from person to person, and that’s okay. After nearly 33 years of marriage 4 times a weeks seems just a tad obsessive. Sometimes sex isn’t important at all. All marriages go through cycles due to life and circumstances. There is no right or wrong answer here.

Much of the article is complaining that people said she and Derick couldn’t possibly know each other well after a short time. I agree with that. But I am not sure you can ever really know someone extremely well you are not married to. Dated my husband for years and there were still surprises after marriage, mostly having to do with toenail grooming and clothing left over from the 1960s and 70s. Hello Nehru jacket and pink leisure suit!

Much of the other parts of the list are so silly, all about making yourself into the smiling, pretty, compliant, sweet-smelling doormat/domestic slave Mister requires. The lists of someone without much knowledge or life experiences.

At the same time I saw this someone kindly slipped me an address for a lingerie shop for Christians. One of Jill’s suggestions happens to be buy and wear smutty underwear for your man. Some of her list reads like a Cosmo magazine article from the 1970s.

Back to the dirty underwear for Christians. The name of the site is “Honoring Intimates”. But I cannot figure out how wearing a fishnet see through cop uniform complete with a badge or a crotchless cupless teddy or a bondage-looking dress honors intimacy or God?

The site claims that they are honoring by posing the lingerie on plastic manikins instead of live models. Plus the fact that they add their own tags with scriptures instead. Removing anything that might show the female form.  I’m not entirely sure that does not violate some trade law. Maybe I’m thinking of those tags on mattresses and pillows.

Edited to add. Visit the site and order if you like. But I had to remove the owners comments for violating the no promotion of commercial goods rules here. She also had added photos to some of the comments that violate the new filter rules here.

Fundamentalist Christianity is so incredibly weird and unnatural in their approaches to sex and anything to do with sexuality. Too bad because they’re complicating something so simple and fun.


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About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 32 years. You can read more about the author here.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Jennny

    That’s hilarious, do you think she’s just absolutely desperate to avoid another Josh-type scandal in the Duggar family so feels she has to keep her man ‘happy’ with their sex life so he won’t stray? Cos in her bubble, men have near-uncontrollable lusts all the time. And the ‘see a doctor if you have problems,’ yes, right, like they did when Josh needed re-modelling.

  • Tawreos

    I find their constant shoving of bible verses into sex quite disturbing. I know some people are different, but reminding me that someone is watching and judging how much my engagement in sexual intercourse honors him is not going to get me in the mood. I’m up for a lot of things, but creepy sex isn’t really one of them.

  • Martin Penwald

    Ah, you already did the masturbatlon joke. Let’s try that

    Have sax often! You both need this time together regularly

    With each other or is that optional?

  • Raging Bee

    That’s a clickbait headline if I ever saw one!

  • Friend

    You mean you don’t find this a turn-on?

    keep it exciting! (Philippians 2:3-4; 1 Corinthians 7:5)

  • Saraquill

    Notice how she doesn’t list “open communication” as a means to have a healthy, happy carnal life.

  • Friend

    What a way to turn “Oh! Oh! Oh!” into “Eww! Eww! Eww!” They sew Bible verses into the cr0tchless fish net b0dy suit?! Talk about cognitive dissonance!

  • Tawreos

    3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

    5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

    ooooh yeah baby that gets me so hot. =)

  • Nea

    To be fair to her, she was raised from infancy in a structure that smothers all attempts to have any form of communication or openness, or even understanding yourself beyond rigid gender roles.

  • The description of the Christian lingerie site reminds me of the days when US TV ads couldn’t show women wearing bras. So you’d see ads where the spokeswoman for the brand would stand by a dress form, showing you how the bra was supposed to work.

  • Mimc

    Sheltered newbies giving marriage advice again. It’s always a mix of amusing and embarrassing.

  • The attention-seeking via social media and from her husband is perfectly understandable in light of her dysfunctional upbringing – her parents couldn’t possibly have given her the amount of attention a growing girl needs with so many kids in the house, and at the same time, she became a celebrity, which sets her up to be a total narcissist. Her children will no doubt be tasked with the job of supplying her with validation and attention, and the cycle will continue. She needs to read some better books than the crap her parents approved of!

  • Friend

    If Jill opted out of public life, I would have much more sympathy. Her role as a cultural enforcer has exposed her to other ideas, and she has chosen to reject them. She cannot be a brainwashed victim and also an expert on “the world.”

    The Duggars have a tendency to cry persecution all the way to the bank.

  • Jenna

    The weird thing about this is that plenty of it is advice from a more experienced/older wife that she has combined with her own advice. Honestly, this stuff is straight out of any fundie advice handbook, not original thoughts from Jill.

    The OBSESSION with sex is just so telling. Their culture just wields this as a cudgel against women…it is not about having a healthy marriage, it is about power and a thinly veiled threat that if you don’t put out enough, your husband will be unhappy and you will be at fault.

    Isn’t it always the case that people who post the most heart-eyed, romantic, desperate things about loving their husbands so much on social media, are really just trying to convince themselves that it’s true? People with healthy marriages do not have to fawn over their husbands and brag about their marriages in public forums like this. The insecurity here is so obvious and pretty sad. That being said, I don’t feel bad for her in the slightest.

  • elanoreirlys

    I wonder if that Christian lingerie site cuts the manufacturer tags off so buyers won’t be tempted to go to the original source to buy more instead of through them… and yes, I do believe in certain countries removing manufacturer tags is a problem (copyright laws and all that), but I hope to god they leave the laundry tags!

  • Jennifer

    Excellent points. It’s so..weird, what that site’s doing. Just, why? You can offer lingerie without trying to make it extra dirty/silly/Biblical at the same time. Try a see-through lacy teddy, it’s not rocket science.

  • smrnda

    3 to 4 times a week means only not having sex 4 or 3 days a week. I’m seeing lots of studies that show 1 to 2 times a week being more typical, and that couples with happy marriages fall within that range. Given that sex requires energy and being in the mood as well as there being enough time, 3 to 4 weeks seems a bit high. Maybe some weeks, but all of them?

  • AFo

    This isn’t the first time I’ve noticed the fundies pushing lingerie as a way to keep a man interested. The problem is not all men are turned on by that, which of course would somehow still be the woman’s fault. I just want to shout into the heavens JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER ABOUT WHAT YOU LIKE AND DON’T LIKE IN BED, THIS REALLY DOESN’T HAVE TO BE SO COMPLICATED and hope someone in this bubble hears me.

  • In true Bill Gothard style, the verses often don’t have much to do with the point trying to be made. And in true fundy form, slap a King James Version label on anything you want to magically “sanctify” anything. Yawn.

  • Jennifer

    If people want to quote Song of Songs at each other, whatever. But what you describe reminds me of the cringe-worthy scene in Handmaid’s Tale when Fred and Wilma (sorry, Serena) were getting it on in a flashback, and he actually started quoting fertility Scriptures at her and put his hand on her abdomen. Sounds like such a Geoffrey Botkin kind of move.

  • Jennifer

    SO gross. Not only does it turn off the mood, but honestly to me feels disrespectful to the Bible too.

  • Friend

    I’m thinking that many of these women feel comfortable in a sensible white cotton bra and panties. Just look at old movies… women felt quite fine about having their modest bras unfastened. Making women wear Halloween outfits or str1pper costumes would probably embarrass or humiliate them—another thing they would have to overcome silently. Along with the questions about why hubby finds a str1pper suit so appealing. Weren’t they all warned about pr0n?

    It’s just very unkind.

  • Nea

    She’s an expert only in grifting and dutifully reciting what she’s been told to spout, be it sex advice that didn’t work for her sister-in-law, that it’s worse that the world knows her brother is a predator than his being an incestuous pedophilic predator, or “the body knows how to birth” after she’s had medical intervention and almost lost a child.

    So I’ll argue that she is a brainwashed victim, is not an expert in the world, has likely not noticed (or more likely, trained to thought-stop at anything non-Gothard approved) AND will try to bank on her children, her self, and her notions of being “persecuted” because she knows jack about actually making a living.

  • Nea

    I’ve got a reply to you in moderation, likely because I used the real words for what Josh is.

  • Friend

    Thank you! I’ll check back.

  • Nea

    This is my cue to point out yet again that Debi Pearl both claims to have a “divine” marriage and slams her husband up one side and down the other in writing (and is dissed and slammed in return by him).

    I only feel bad for Jill in that we all know that she was literally sold off in marriage for ratings.

  • Nea

    I think it kind of might be rocket science, though? I remember once hunting sewing patterns across the internet and eventually wound up on a “modesty” site that was selling The Only Approved Skirt For Women and… it was a 6-gore elastic waist skirt. You can get the same pattern from McCalls or Simplicity or Burda and for about 1/3 the price they were selling it for. I couldn’t image why it was such a big deal to buy that skirt from that site.

    But if you’ve been raised in the alternate reality of Christian based commerce, maybe it is a big deal, because you’re not looking at things you shouldn’t look at on the way to finding the pattern. Or you’re not told that you can just as easily whack the thing off after about 18 inches and have a miniskirt.

    It’s like Zsu Anderson’s Big Huge Revelation that you can put sage in your food. It’s… not big, huge, or a revelation unless you’ve been seriously sheltered.

  • Saraquill

    Now I’m wondering if her parents took scissors to the songs of Solomon parts of the Bible. Though now she’s old enough to (in theory) read the carnal parts herself.

  • Jennifer

    Yeah, it’s like a complex dance for many of them. But slapping Scripture on role-playing naughty clothes is a cheap shot.

  • Friend

    Replying here to your comment in moderation, since I can Share but not Reply. I heartily agree with you.

    One of my comments (higher up, to another reader) has apparently dropped into the tank too. It was visible for awhile, and then it vanished without warning. I keep refreshing the screen to see if it’s a server synch issue, but apparently it’s not.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    I am pretty farking mad about the comments bouncing around and no longer farking care what farking words they want to farking restrict.

  • Polytropos

    Unbelievable. I don’t quite know whether I want to laugh myself sick, or take a shower.

    Either way, I feel sorry for Jill. The poor girl probably is desperate for attention as a result of her upbringing, and that’s not a good basis for marriage, especially when you combine it with very limited life experience.

  • Friend

    My old KJV has humorous headings for Song of Solomon. Chapter 1: “The church’s love and confession. She is directed to the shepherds’ tents. Congratulations.”

  • Friend

    Ha! The unedited version came to my email, so I know what you were really saying. For a mere $10, I will reveal your naughty words to each interested NLQ reader. ;^)

  • Saraquill

    I’ve read more coherent phrases from Google Translate.

  • Saraquill

    That often, combined with a lack of communication can lead to sore bits without much time to heal. “Lie back and think of Bible” then leads down a rabbit hole I don’t want to think about.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    i am sure everyone can figure it out..

  • SAO

    If you want to make money as a blogger or a reality (ie talentless) celebrity, you need to keep churning out content. Much of the time, there’s no real content. If Jill has 15 more kids, watching how she copes with the overload might be entertaining, but as a mother of a few kids? Yawn.

    My take is this is a effort at getting eyeballs. Maybe she’s clueless. Maybe she’s too embarrassed to think about anything but repeating something she read elsewhere. Maybe she thinks a few sentences of generic advice will be news to her readership.

  • Friend

    Dang! I’ll have to find another way to make bank. And somebody already thought of cutting the tags out of clothes…

  • I don’t get the whole “be available for your husband” thing. I did that with my ex and I despised him for it, as he couldn’t take no for an answer. Intimacy with him was awful.

    My husband and I crave intimacy when we’re both in the mood. And it’s wonderful. Truly wonderful. I can’t imagine my life any other way.

  • Jennifer

    Your first paragraph sums up things so perfectly. I think the body does know how to birth, but that doesn’t mean there won’t be complications it can’t work through by itself.

  • Jennifer

    Excellent points. Plenty of men like regular bras and panties too.

  • Jennifer

    She was??

  • Jennifer

    These people DO seem to think lots of things the rest of the world knows is news.

  • Nea

    That entire courtship and marriage had to go through Daddy Dearest and was played out entirely on TV.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    You have sadly violated our new comment policy by posting that photo. Good luck but I personally think what you are doing is pretty ridiculous. Are Christians so worried that cannot order from Adam and Eve or Fredericks of Hollywood?

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    ..and you have a ton of comments now stuck in the restricted words filter. Please do not use words here like ‘p.o.r.n’ or ‘s.e.x’ because it makes the filter go nuts and I don’t have time to weed through all the comments to see what the intent is.

  • Friend

    I stand corrected! The Bible verse is attached with a little nylon thingy! Mea maxima culpa!

    Please show me where you are on Snopes, as I could not find mention of you and am tempted to conclude that your #snopes reference is #fakenews.

  • Friend

    You might help some married women feel fr1sky. Absolutely fine for them if they want to support your business.

    But a certain number of women will feel forced to wear items that make them feel ch3ap and degrad3d. They were raised, in sheltered Christian homes, to respect their bodies by wearing modest garments. For many, clothing is a small area where they have control and feel both whole and comfortable. They need to feel whole and comfortable in order to accept their husbands’ physical affection. So she will put on the teddy to please him, pretend to enjoy, and then cry by herself afterward. He may or may not figure out what’s going on.

    You mention male customers, husbands who have a problem with use of p 0 nr. Do you think their wives are unaware? I would be positively alarmed if I were married to a man with that problem and he wanted me to dress up like the women in those movies.

  • Friend

    You mean my husband isn’t allowed in Walmart anymore? Married Christian men live in the real world. You are so worried about causing men to stumble, but you don’t seem at all worried about women being goaded into b3dr00m cosplay. It’s good that you offer modest options, but again: Walmart. Target. Sears if you can find one.

  • Friend

    Gotcha.

  • Friend

    Thanks. I appreciate the discussion.

  • Suzanne Harper Titkemeyer

    LOL now T’arget is a restricted word. Why?

  • Jenn H

    There is a serious Madonna/Whore complex in this culture, with women having to take on both roles. They’re supposed to go from being totally ignorant about sex before marriage to being an expert at it afterwards.

  • Jenn H

    I think it is because hubby expects to have it both ways. He wants a modest respectable woman to accompany him to church and raise good godly children. But he also wants a woman like the ones he watched online.

  • Friend

    Hard to be both of those women on demand.

    I am sure some women are secretly pa33ionate, but that would go against patriarchal family training. And without dating, how would two such people find each other?

  • frrolfe

    As a hetero-sexualist, thank you for putting me off sex for the rest of my life.

  • The Jack of Sandwich

    When I’m anticipating sex, I make it a point to wear my underwear without holed

  • I mean, I’m the sort of person who’d be happy with that amount? But my husband can’t handle that much, so we don’t go having All Of The Sex.

  • Ye gods, I was making 6-gore skirts with little to no prior clothes-sewing experience! It’s the easiest skirt in the world to make! You don’t even need an actual pattern for it, even if you’re an absolute beginner!

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Be open with your spouse about your desires and change things up to keep it exciting!

    I am genuinely curious as to what this even means to Jill. This culture is so obsessed with the idea that sex in marriage needs to happen all the time, yet also incredibly constraining about which types of sexual expression are acceptable* and very discouraging of people learning anything about sex that doesn’t come from the Song of Songs (which you can really only think is so hot and graphic if you’ve never actually read anything that is) or coy Christian sex advice sources. Plus, female sexuality as something that exists separately from a desire to keep and please your man is not exactly acknowledged. So…change things up to what? Be open about what desires? Does she mean talk about your fantasies? Does she know she gets to have fantasies? Surely a great many fantasies are unacceptable and this culture is not exactly kink-positive. How would these two even know how to experiment when they were kept so incredibly sheltered about how sexuality actually works? Maybe they’ve found ways and good for them I guess. But I really don’t know how.

    *Goofy lingerie seems to be the one widely acceptable form of “mixing it up” in Christian culture and Christians seem completely obsessed with it. They seem to have decided that all men like it even though, in my experience, that is not true at all. And the ones who do appreciate some sexy underwear once in a while are hardly into silly “sexy cop” outfits. There are plenty of people into power exchange fantasies but a) that’s a level or kink that I don’t think goes ever well in this community and b) I don’t think those kinksters shop at websites like that one. Lol. Yeah, that stuff does seem puerile. It’s like the ideas that middle-schoolers who are old enough to be interested in sex but not old enough to know anything about it (hopefully) have about how they will be “sexy” when they are older *12-year-old giggles.*

    It’s like these people never matured beyond that point.

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    What would they even communicate about? They don’t know anything! They are discouraged from having any awareness of sexuality outside of “this part goes into that part, do it as often as possible.” How much is there to really say about a formula that already mandates what you’re supposed to do, when and how often you’re supposed to do it, and discourages pretty much all creativity outside of goofy cop outfits?

  • Petticoat Philosopher

    Yeah, fundies are obsessed with the idea that All Men Like Lingerie.

  • Raging Bee

    Playing hard to get?

  • Raging Bee

    …without being expert enough to make their husbands feel suspicious or inadequate, mind you…