Should You Feel Romantic Love in Marriage?

Should You Feel Romantic Love in Marriage? October 10, 2019
Screen cap from YouTube, Meme made at

Several days ago in a Facebook group people started talking about an old post Lori Alexander of The Transformed Wife did on her old blog. At Always Learning in a piece titled “A Twisted and Perverted Love” Lori states that she did not feel romantic all consuming love towards Ken when she married him. She goes on to claim that romantic love, that crazy feelings that colors the world happy colors, is very unnecessary in marriage. Should you feel romantic love in marriage?

Notice that Lori put ‘works hard’ right behind ‘loves Jesus’ are qualifications in what she wanted as a spouse. Did that factor into anyone else’s decision to marry? I don’t remember thinking about that at the time. Oh, Lori and her transactional sex thinking!

Whatever happened to the Biblical conception of marriage and love as illustrated in the Song of Songs? That was not some “I’ll marry him because he’ll be a good provider!” mentality that Lori is espousing here. It’s crazy stupid love mixed with desire, and it supposed to be an illustration of love between those married.

Those 23 years of miserable marriage might have been a lot less miserable if Lori had actual human emotions of romantic love for her husband.  It would have sustained and carried her through the rough times, made the fights less intense, bonded them together in a way that nothing else would. It would have likely resulted in a happier sex life, with pleasure for both of them.

I like to think of the many small kindnesses I’ve been done and done for my husband that spring out of my romantic love for him. The laughs, the in jokes, the understanding and the deepening of our commitment. I cannot imagine marriage without feeling that type of love, instead of this hideous duty love Lori is promoting here.

This is so incredibly sad for both of them. They’ve missed so much of what is good in marriage. They are still locked in a partnership that holds no joy, no closeness, no physical and emotional intimacy. Duty. Duty sex. Drudgery. This is tragic!

Lori Alexander is not The Transformed Wife, she is The Transactional Wife, trading sex for being supported.

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About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 33 years. You can read more about the author here.

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