Toxic Marriages Seem to be the Default Setting?

Toxic Marriages Seem to be the Default Setting? May 28, 2020

One of the things we keep running across in the Quiverfull subculture is the fact that they seem to have the most toxic marriages you can imagine. Everyone suffers under that very unequal power dynamic. Yes, men can also suffer under toxic ideas about masculinity, particularly when it’s a bad fit for them personally. Nobody likes cognitive dissonance.

Last night I had the weirdest dream. Which isn’t too unusual. Since the pandemic started I’ve been having some rather strange ones, and keep reading that this is normal right now while our subconscious works out our anxiety levels.

I dreamed that my husband was unable to talk, to communicate normally. All of his words came out in the form of yelled out obscenities. Like this:

Me: Want another slice of bacon?

Him: $^@*&$(@*&#(!

Me: Okay, how about some toast?

Him: %*#(&%)(@!!

Awkward and weird. Clearly the dream is about communication and being out of sync. We usually communicate well after almost 34 years of marriage. But it could have just as easily been because he came home from playing poker with the guys and having a losing night. Coming home spouting rude words to complain he lost twenty bucks. Right at bedtime. Likely carried his angst into my dreams. He’s already reading a book on winning at poker and plotting his comeback. Who knows.

So this morning one of my friends posts this complaint/question from the super secret chat room of Always Learning from you know who, and this lady is upset she didn’t get the advice on her marriage she wants to hear.

She’s shared very little about her marriage, so it’s difficult at best to determine was is going on here. But parents urging abortion, and friends pushing separation seem to indicate a very large Quiverfull family, like oodles of kids to the point where no one thinks she can effectively handle another one.

I don’t know much, I’m not genius material or an expert, but I do know one thing. Marriages in Quiverfull seem to lack that most basic thing that makes marriages work – good communication skills. Communication that does not come at the boiling crisis point, that makes quick short work of potential problems by nipping them in the bud.

Since in Quiverfull women are not allowed to gainsay a man ever, point out a potential problem, or offer a solution lest they be seen as controlling or unsubmissive these easy to solve little problems merely morph into gigantic monstrous problems down the road.

Feel pretty sure that the only answers this lady will get will subtlety rebuke her. Or they will be calls to smile more, say yes more, submit more and pray harder. Die to self as you die inside.

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About Suzanne Titkemeyer
Suzanne Titkemeyer went from a childhood in Louisiana to a life lived in the shadow of Washington D.C. For many years she worked in the field of social work, from national licensure to working hands on in a children's residential treatment center. Suzanne has been involved with helping the plights of women and children' in religious bondage. She is a ordained Stephen's Minister with many years of counseling experience. Now she's retired to be a full time beach bum in Tamarindo, Costa Rica with the monkeys and iguanas. She is also a thalassophile. She also left behind years in a Quiverfull church and loves to chronicle the worst abuses of that particular theology. She has been happily married to her best friend for the last 33 years. You can read more about the author here.
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