Most of the stepparents who contact me for support tell me they had no idea what they were getting into. One stepdad, Steve, put it this way, “I was never a father before, and at the ripe “young” age of 42, I was thinking that I was somehow going to “get by” and become accepted by my stepchildren, primarily because I had married their mother. I was getting by trying to be “nice” to my new stepkids but comments like... Read more
It’s very normal for parents to worry about whether their child’s anger is age appropriate and typical or whether they need to be concerned and perhaps seek professional help. In my clinical practice, parents ask me on a regular basis for suggestions to help them deal with their child’s angry outbursts because parenthood doesn’t come with a manual to deal with this issue. For instance, Holly, 45, and Dave, 48, came to counseling because Devon, their nine year old son... Read more
During a couples counseling session, Jenny, 42, and Sam, 43, sit on the couch in my office and discuss their disputes about their two young children, chores, and finances. Sam says, “it seems like I can never do enough to please Jenny. She wants me to do more chores, make more money, and buy her a bigger house. Meanwhile, she took five years off from teaching to have our kids and our income was cut in half. I am glad... Read more
The most common complaint of couples that I work with today is that they have fallen out of love and the passion has dwindled between them. However, falling out of love usually does not occur overnight. Likewise, relationship repair takes time and effort on the part of both partners and includes rekindling sexual intimacy and emotional attunement. There are many ways for couples to fall back in love and ending a habit of criticizing each other is a good first... Read more
A healthy, intimate relationship is built on trust and vulnerability which involves sharing your innermost feelings, thoughts, and wishes. It’s important to remember that all couples have perpetual problems. In a healthy relationship, you can develop tools to deal with them, but not necessarily solve all of them. However, sweeping issues under the rug only works for so long. Because when couples have deep-seated resentment, it’s one of the signs your relationship is over and can be a challenge to forgive and... Read more
Sydney, 39, and Tim, 40, have been attending counseling sessions for over three months and when I asked them what they were doing to celebrate their anniversary this year, they both paused and said they didn’t have plans. Tim reflects, “It doesn’t matter what we do for our anniversary, we never really get along anyway.” Sydney responds, “This is true, it seems hypocritical for us to go out for a pricy dinner when we argue and never really listen to... Read more
When couples fall in love, infatuation and something called limerence can cause them to overlook each other’s imperfections and to wear “rose colored glasses.” Limerence can be defined as an involuntary state of intense desire. This tendency can make it difficult to face their flaws, such as avoiding conflict, spending too much money, or being unmotivated with household chores. In fact, many of our personality traits are passed down from our parents and go unchanged because of lack of awareness... Read more
Co-parenting has been shown to be in the best interests for children after parental divorce. That said, attempting to do so with an ex who has a high conflict personality or a personality disorder is usually difficult. In most cases, an amicable relationship can’t be achieved between parents and parallel parenting is a good strategy that can be attempted. Co-parenting, at its best, is a wonderful opportunity for children of divorce to have close to equal access to both parents... Read more
If you find yourself attracted to a partner who is emotionally unavailable or distant, or someone who is a taker, you may be inclined to have one-sided relationships and love too much. Perhaps you grew up in a family where you were a caretaker or focused more on making others happy rather than yourself. Maybe you even felt that you had to be in a good mood regardless of your true feelings so you became a people pleaser. There are... Read more
Karen, 38, and Kevin, 39, have been married for eight years and have fallen into the habit of bickering about small things and arguing often. On a daily basis, they no longer show appreciation for each other. As a result, their interactions have become more negative than positive and they both reported in a couples counseling session, that they would like to experience more happiness in their marriage. Perhaps the first step in overcoming this tendency to be negative and... Read more
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