Do you ever wonder if you’ll get out from under the shadow of your parents’ divorce? Do you worry about repeating the patterns of the past? The challenge of creating and maintaining a healthy, long-lasting relationship is where your parents fell short. But you have an opportunity to learn from their mistakes and build the kind of relationship that eluded your parents. There are many reasons why adults raised in divorced homes get stuck in the past and have difficulty... Read more
On of the most common complaints that I hear from couples in my office, especially women, is that their partner doesn’t listen to them. For instance, Karen, age 40, has been married to Derek, age 42, for a decade and they bicker often due to poor communication skills and defensiveness on both of their parts. Karen put it like this, “I don’t know what to do to get Derek to listen to me. We’re considering moving, and he keeps searching... Read more
While all parents have faced the challenge of raising children, many single parents have had to adapt to working from home without a spouse to share responsibilities, not having enough resources, feeling overwhelmed, and adopting new routines amidst inadequate support. For instance, Paula, 42, a single parent for three years and raising two grade school kids while working full-time, put it like this: “I get up at 5am to make breakfast and get ready for the day and feel... Read more
As a marriage counselor, I’ve witnessed firsthand the benefits of my clients learning to manage conflict, developing new skills for enhancing their relationship, and restoring broken trust. This is what can happen with the support of a skilled therapist. However, not all couples have a positive outcome when they seek marriage counseling. Some couples seek help for their marriage problems too late, and others are not willing to put much effort into improving communication between sessions. For instance, Jen, 42,... Read more
During a recent counseling session, Karen and Joshua, in their late thirties, spoke about their finances, and explained how their debt was causing stress in their relationship. Since they are both self-employed and were paid sporadically, it was easy for debt to build up and most of their discussions about money turned into arguments over the past few years. Married for over a decade and raising two children, they had drifted apart and the last thing they wanted to talk... Read more
During a recent counseling session, Monica, 40, complained about her two-year daughter Abigail, crying too much and being unsure about how to handle her. This is a common concern of parents with young children whom I meet with for counseling. Monica put it like this, “My husband Kyle and I disagree about what to do when Abbey cries. He thinks we should let her cry it out and I don’t agree. When we do, she just seems more agitated and... Read more
While it is natural to feel hurt when a loved one has done something wrong or said something offensive, taking their actions personally can prolong the process of healing and cause people undue misery. My first experience with taking things too personally in my second marriage was when my husband Craig gave me feedback about my parenting skills. For a few years, I took his comments personally and reacted defensively to his comments. That said, Craig felt I was too... Read more
Eileen, 53, and Jason, 58, have been married fifteen years and came to counseling to improve their communication and to stop bickering. Like many couples who I counsel, I asked them both what was working in their marriage and what areas need to be “worked on.” Eileen put it like this, “I know Jason works hard and is a good provider but he doesn’t pay enough attention to me. I think he takes me for granted and I feel lonely.”... Read more
Sitting on the couch in my office, Jessica, 32, shares her struggle with opening up to her fiancé Stephen, 36. She says, “It’s like I freeze when we are talking about sensitive topics. Since we are engaged, I worry that my difficulty sharing my true feelings with backfire later on.” If we have been let down in the past, the prospect of needing someone can be frightening. Opening up to our partner can make us feel vulnerable and exposed... Read more
Think about it: when you’re in a good mood, you might cut your partner some slack. It’s easy to show generosity when they make a mistake, even granting them forgiveness more readily. Let’s face it, our moods greatly affect our communication. If you’re in a bad mood, you’re more likely to perceive what our partner says negatively. This point is illustrated by Rachel’s bad day and her negative interaction with Tom when she comes home feeling hungry and aggravated. Rachel,... Read more
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