I did observe Maha Shivratri last year, but I did it alone and there’s no way I can stay up all night when I’m by myself! This year I was able to have a more complete experience by participating in the event with my brothers and sisters at the Sathya Sai Baba bhajan singing group.

That was Friday evening, but first was Friday during the day. Perhaps I should have taken the day as a holiday from work, but I was sick recently and missed a couple of days so I wanted to be at the office.

At Work

Refraining from food is tough at the office. We have a table full of snacks (luckily it is no longer right next to my desk!) and I also feel sad and bored while there, so I tend to want something to munch on.

I really had to break from my regular routine. I got into the office before anyone else. Ordinarily I would go to the back to turn on the lights and then grab something to eat on my way back to my desk. It was very difficult to pull myself against the tide of habit. But I remembered Shiva and the reason for this day and stopped myself.

Hunger continued to come over me in waves. I just had to get through it and the desire for food would pass.

It was definitely challenging. I think the real value in fasting is that it forces you to pay attention and be aware. Each time you are distracted by hunger, you are immediately reminded of God, so you end up thinking about God perhaps more often then usual. It also breaks up the habitual routine that can be letting you drift through life without engaging.

It also highlighted how much I depend on food for comfort. It was challenging finding other ways to keep myself feeling stable throughout the day.

I have fasted before and I always find the same thing, yet I’m not ready to give up the comfort that food gives me and stop eating emotionally!

Late Afternoon

Super nervous about this vigil. I love my bhajan singing group, but I don’t know anyone there well. I’ve never tried to stay up all night (not even studying in college). I take naps nearly every day and go to bed by 10:00. I have no idea how I’m going to manage to stay up until 6:00 am. I think the energy of singing and being with others keeping vigil will keep my going. I hope.

I didn’t sign up for any of the food to bring, but I don’t want to be empty handed either. I think I better stop at the grocery store and get some fruit even though it’s going to be a bit of torture to be in the grocery store!

I got Brad to pick up fruit for me so I wouldn’t have to be around food.

Usually I would take a nap and in retrospect I think next time I will! But I did not. I spent time with Brad, read a book, and checked on plans with our neighbors for the next evening.  Then I headed out to the house where the vigil was happening.

Evening

I wore a salwar suit instead of my usual sari, since I didn’t really know what to expect and thought a suit would be easier in all eventualities. The basement at the house was set up just like at the Interfaith Center where we usually meet. The picture of Sathya Sai Baba was up and the room was divided between women and men.

Brad didn’t come with me. He would have if I really wanted him to, but he doesn’t like having to sit apart from me at these things and says it doesn’t feel like doing it together when he’s on the other side of the room.

I settled in cross legged on the floor and singing began at 8:00 pm. At first there was a schedule of songs like there is at the center and then the children took over and lots of kids under 10 led songs. Then it became open and the microphones were passed around and people sang their favorites. There were a lot of familiar ones and some repeats, which was great for me since I’m still learning the songs.

I couldn’t tell what time it was. I stepped on my glasses a couple weeks ago and haven’t gotten them replaced yet so I couldn’t read the clock on the wall at all. I had left my cell phone in my purse in a corner. I was trying to be all spiritual! Well, other people kept their phones with them.

People would get up and sit down, usually tending to children. I didn’t have any need to get up and so I sat and sat and sat and sang. Time lost meaning. There was only the present in a lot of ways.

The music around me and in me felt like meditation. It was like a mantra that I didn’t have to sustain all on my own. It was all through and around me.

Eventually I started to lose energy, though. I got to a point where my head was bobbing and images were swimming in front of my eyes. It was then that the woman sitting next to me leaned over and asked if I had gotten food. I didn’t realize it was ready! So that was a reason for me to get up. I wandered upstairs and found a feast laid out. I filled a plate with potato curry and rice and there was even jalebi, which I love!

The Center president was up there and he asked how things were going, asked after Brad, and introduced me to some of the ladies. This was great because at the Center we haven’t really found a way to get to know anyone. We come in, we sing together, we leave. I had hoped that at Mahashivratri observance I would actually meet people and I did.

The ladies I met recognized me and told me that I was always inspiring them to wear saris! They told me I looked great in Indian clothes and admired my ability to sit cross legged for long periods. I told them it was still a work in progress!

I’m so excited to go back to the Center next week and actually say hello to people. I know I need to be the one to take initiative and introduce myself, but it’s hard on an introvert like me and I always feel like they have these solid relationships built over years and I don’t quite know how to include myself in that. But this was a first step.

Food revived me and I went back to the basement completely refreshed and ready for more singing. I carried on for another two hours before I began to droop again.

The number of people had dropped by then. At its peak, probably around 9:00 the basement had been packed knee to knee. Now there was a sparse contingent continuing on. Since others had left, I didn’t feel too guilty as I gathered my things at 1:45 a.m.

Home

I was nervous about driving home so I picked a bhajan and sang it over and over again in my car all the way back (yes, by the way, I really should not be driving without glasses).

I slipped into bed with Brad still in my clothes and without brushing my teeth.

I have great admiration for those who made it all the way until 6:00 am. I want to think about how I can modify what I did to make that possible for myself next year. I’m still pleased that I experienced five and half hours of continuous bhajan singing.

Saturday was a day for relaxing and recovery!

I hope that next year I will be able to focus more on Shiva and feeling his presence and less on myself and how I’m doing.

I wanted to get a picture of myself at 2 in the morning before falling asleep, but I forgot and so here is a picture from Hyderabad of a Mahashivratri celebration: